Hello dear ones,

Welcome back. May this greeting be an opportunity to invite 1% more presence into your being, here and now.

Taking a deep breath, there is time.

Imagine there are eyes on each of your fingertips.

Sense into these sacred, bending wands for a moment. Gently close your eyes if it helps.

In placing your attention on your fingertips-as-eyes, does your body become 1% more present? How do you know?

Now that you’re 1% more fully here, we resume this week with the journals of 2021-Rebecca, a day after the too-much/too-soon/too-fast experience at Josie’s.

We see glimpses of her through the end of the summer season and into a transitional month volunteering at headquarters.

As always, may you receive what you’re meant to receive, and may you go well and rooted into your week.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca

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[If you're newly joining, this is part 9 of an ongoing journey. Here are part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, and part 8.]

July 7, 2021
I'm terrified that Bill is going to ask where we were the morning of yesterday (when he's back from vacation), or some detail won't add up, or he'll ask another question that puts me on the spot. 

I was so freaked out that when he asked over the phone what time we'd left Crater, I just stared at my watch and froze.

“You left an hour ago!?” 

“Where are you?” 

I think I said in service on the way to Pinyon. I hate that I froze and couldn't play cool, and that I made myself so sick yesterday w/ fear and reaction.

I think Ricky feels inferior to Kai, and was thinking of me as “his seasonal” and Scout as Kai's seasonal, and felt betrayed when I drove Kai. Punishing me is not helping!

Witnessing Voice:
Oh honey, I'm so sorry, that sounds so upsetting. It sounds terrifying to have been put on the spot on the phone, and it sounds like Ricky doesn't feel safe anymore either. It must be extra frustrating to have had such a huge reaction when Kai was so calm. I know you recognize your big reactions, deep feelings. I can assure you you're on the path to learning how to thrive with that superpower. 

July 13, 2021
I am now clear that I will no longer live with loud people, work with judgmental/unkind people, watch violent films. I won't go back to alcohol now that it’s been over two years without – I like feeling the full depth clearly. I will no longer brush things under the rug. I will show up as my true self, however that looks each day and have hard conversations with people. Like how I closed a loop with Kai today even though it was abrupt. I will strive for open communication. 

July 15, 2021
Me and technology…before the pandemic I still had a throwaway IG account to occasionally read peoples’ stuff. Now I do not. I'm also back to a house without internet, so I keep a running list and tend to internet things on Fridays at the library. This feels good, even if it makes live zooms harder. 

When I'm at the library, it doesn't feel pleasant to be indoors on the internet, so I make the trip brief. Last week I wrote three email responses from home w/ Text Edit, then copy/pasted into email when I got to the library. That felt great.

July 17, 2021
I felt more energetic today. Was it five days of Rhodiola? The oolong tea? 

After driving downtown (bought Kam birthday tea and honey, and mailed that and Elle's book) I had energy to type some ukulele lyrics and chords on the typewriter, and play/sing for a while. I worked on my Life Stats project today, too. It feels good to have more energy!

Also, I'd like to document here that Thursday night ~7:30pm, all of a sudden I received two texts from the terrible Josie’s Day: a text from Kai (that I hadn’t received that day) and a repeat text from Bill.

Kai had texted after work that day, and said something like sorry for all the “dram” today, it was unnecessary. And he'd remarked on my timing with that power question, hitting the nail on the head. 

All this time, I'd thought no one had thought of me that night – and now, two weeks later, here was proof of the opposite. How many other Kai texts had been lost in the ether? How many other people's texts had been lost in the ether?

I feel hopeful again in trusting the process: Read, walk, write, pray, repeat. Trust all is unfolding beautifully. If you feel like resting, rest. If you feel like singing, sing. Do ceremony and learn what you want to learn. Keep taking the next step in front of you. 

July 25, 2021
I am in my Great Reassessment.

It is turquoise.

It's a desert with flash floods.

It moves like a laundry line full of flapping clothes.

It feels like scraping raw skin.

It is partially born from “treat others the way you want to be treated””

It is also fed by “I'm a spirit in a body”

It tastes like kimchi

It sounds like ukulele and looks like feather earrings.

It smells like ponderosa pines.

As I live it, I am a gentle deer.

I think I don't have time for stretching, meditation, and music.

If I did make space for it, then maybe I'd be less attached to my thoughts, less stiff, and brighter mood.

Sometimes I don't hear the goddesses and wise women inside me.

Sometimes I do hear love from the trees.

My creative self reaches up, towards the sun.

This moment in my life is as heavy as a coffee table / antique trunk.

This moment in my life is as light as the wind.

I hold it as if holding were possible, palm open and flat, so the moment can land and flow continuously, softly.

July 26, 2021
I had a realization over the weekend that in addition to (or a part of) the deep sensing, it's like part of me dies if I don't tell the Truth. 

So in more surfacy conversations, I feel like I'm dying when what I share isn't the full, nuanced truth… or something like that? So for now I give lots of context and disclaimers, though I'm sure that ultimately takes energy and is draining. 

I also believe it's possible to have those conversations and not feel like I'm dying, although I think more will have to change than just the thoughts. Thoughts are powerful and so is the body (somatics).

July 28, 2021

Prompt: Describe yourself in titles:

The Woman in Blue

Deep-Sensing Woman

Sees the Good in Others

Sunshine Glasses

Spiritual Woman Feels Lonely

Punny Tea Girl

Encouraging Learning

Adult Beginner

Nuance-Seer

Love Creator / Amplifier

Home All Day

Read, Bake Write All Day

July 31, 2021
Prompt:  How do I align to the life I desire? (Using first object you see: blue plate in sink)

Keep going round and round, in circles, cycles, continuous wholeness. Where there is sticky syrup, soak it gently in water. It will loosen on its own in time. The body heals naturally – its magnificent superpower. 

Fill your plate only with what you want to ingest. It's okay for the plate to be spacious. 

Rest sturdily on the ground, all sides evenly grounded. A clean, fresh surface is only ever one wash away. 

You can have all sorts of flavors and meals all served on the same beautiful sturdy plate. 

Remember, you're a single plate. There's a whole world out there. Allow time and space for the zooming out beyond your meals and dining table.

One Story Four Ways
1. I am a hermit and a grandma - according to coworkers' views and Kai's “Did you leave the house this weekend?” with that tone.

2. Being home is often the best for my body, mind, and spirit. I feel safe, I love my backyard, and it's filled with tools to do all the things I love: kitchen, typewriter, books, envelopes, ukulele.

3. I don't have capacity right now to be out “doing things.”  I use my 3-day weekends to process the workweek and regain my balance.

4. I'm birthing a new being. I am healing my nervous system, processing grief, the full human thing and it's taking everything.

August 29, 2021
Last night after my massage, I put together a pizza and later peach pies. But my hands were BURNING up. I'd noticed they were especially dry earlier. Had the lotion at massage upset them?

Finally, when I couldn't ignore the burning any longer, I put my fingers into cold oatmeal water I still had in the fridge.

No relief. Wtf. 

I tried focusing on the sensation, asking it what it was trying to tell me. 

Holy fuck it was strong! 

I tried touching my skin elsewhere, to see if my fingers were as hot as they felt, and I couldn't tell.

The inner feeling of my fingers BURNED. 

Finally, I had the thought of the jalapeños from Kai’s garden I'd cut for the pizza. 

I searched “jalapeños on dry hands” on my phone, and bingo – jalapeño skin burn is a real thing. 

I tried it all. Washing with soap, rubbing in olive oil, washing again, rubbing on baking soda paste, cool water with ice. 

Finally I went into bed with an ice pack and turned on Seinfeld as a distraction. I went through 2 ice packs before I could fall asleep.

Seconds stretched into painful minutes aflame. It was a late night (past 10pm) but today I'm so grateful for not having as strong of a burning sensation. I couldn't even write in my gratitude journal! 

September 1, 2021
My lesson today was in my conversation with John, the trail crew seasonal, to release low-vibration grudges and judgements against ego. 

You see, ever since they’ve been without a trails crew lead, and the two-person “trail crew” were on their own, John would leave Crater by 4:30 every day to drive back to Pinyon in the work truck. I have to stay at Crater until 5:00pm, then drive back off the clock (an hour of unpaid driving every day). So I was feeling resentful.

Today John was assigned to help Scout and I clean culverts out by Pueblo. So we all should have left at the same time, but John drove a separate work truck all the way out there. As we were putting road signs out that morning, John told us he had to leave at 4 to drive back to Pinyon by 5. 

Scout and I make eyes at one another, me having shared my frustration with him the weeks prior. 

But instead of immediately saying “Why are you leaving work early?” or attacking–which a strong part of me wanted to do, to point the finger–I paused.

I continued mixing my electrolyte drink and put on my high-vis vest. 

With space, I decided to approach him with a question.

When we were 1-on-1, I walked over and posed the open-ended question. I saw a look come across his face that I was not expecting. A softening.

“Actually, I wasn’t going to tell anyone,” he began, “but today is my second-to-last day of work.”

John had decided to leave the season early. Turns out, he’s been majorly struggling with his wellbeing, and the work environment (aka having only one other trail crew member to interact with) has been making it worse. He’s going to tell our supervisor that another opportunity has arisen, but the truth is he’s in a really tough personal season.

Wow. I’d had no idea. Here I was, getting angry every day when I saw John driving by, heading towards Pinyon sometime after 4, while I had to stay working at Crater until 5. 

Underneath that fog of my righteousness, there was suffering. It was an important moment/learning for me.

October 1, 2021
I'm sensing how the end of Scout's season is fast approaching, how much I'll miss him – the safety, the knowledge, his work ethic, his chill mood. I’m glad I get to stay on another year – even with the month of volunteering at Headquarters I need to do before my new appointment can start – but it will be different without Scout. 

Prompt: How are things between you and [The Fear of Supervisors]

Today, things between me and The Fear of Supervisors is shifting. Namely because I rode with Bill for 2 hours yesterday on the way to Rock Ridge. I learned he was in a strict military high school and came out west on a whim at 18 (from Massachusetts). I learned his mom has dementia. His wife is from New Zealand. His oldest daughter’s mother is Native. There's so much juice in there, which thickened his story/humanity, and I got to share parts of me too. 

October 3, 2021
When I wrote the attached letter draft for Kai’s birthday card, I started tearing up and I wasn't breathing (and there was tightness in my chest/shoulders. I haven't cried in weeks and weeks! (It seems) I think I was feeling gratitude for all the gifts he's given, and also all the healing I've experienced. 

I felt SO GOOD all day! With energy too. No afternoon rest in bed. I created, I gleamed (and moved furniture, a seasonal deep-clean and the new space feels cozy and fresh). I feel capable and I believe in myself. And I went away on Friday (to Sedona/Prescott for a Saturday AM Trader Joe’s trip)! So all these rested, re-energized feelings with only ~2 days home. 

This is a change, a positive change from before. Part of me doesn't want to get too excited, wait and see how the coming weeks feel, but today while writing Kai’s letter I felt deeply grateful and in awe. 

A lot of my healing happened because I take care of myself and listen to my inner needs. And also people around me affect me. And his safety/calm/kind/nonjudgment consistent friendly presence has helped. Thank you for blessing me with this friend/coworker. Thank you for blessing me with this wonderful house to myself. For the fulfillment I feel in a day sharing kindness with others.

Freewrite:
I'm missing out on beautiful moments when I'm safe and held lovingly by the earth - but I miss them because my body is on alert: Is Bill in the office? Does he see us outside? Does he think we're goofing off, not doing anything? 

He thinks Scout 's lazy – but Scout is such a hard worker! – so I'm looking out for Scout too. Bill is coming, stand up, please be working…

Am I picking the right sized rocks for crush? Does he think I'm weak when he sees how I carry and dump the bucket of rocks? Is he watching me crush? Am I doing it right? This one won't break, is he watching and wondering why I'm crushing there? Ugh. It's exhausting. Those were my thoughts when Bill came out to work with us on Thursday. Yes, I loosened the story by VOLUNTEERING to ride with him 1-on-1 in the truck, the thought of which had terrified me the day before. But I know the thought is always scarier than the lived, and it was a stretch within my window of tolerance so I had to do it. 

So what I'm saying is: I lose peace and lightness and relaxation by not thickening my story. I'm on alert, wandering in fear. 

October 10, 2021
She received pictures of her cousin's wedding – of people she hasn't seen in over two years. Tightness came to her throat and tears began to fall. She doesn't miss them. She doesn't know them. Nor did she feel safe to show her true self when she was last around them. Perhaps this is where the tears are stemming from. That deep longing to be loved and accepted and to belong with family – just as one is. 

October 18, 2021
I spent the day in bed, sleeping off and on, listening to Hay House and Shamanism podcasts, only able to read a bit. But I planned to go to Threshold choir tonight, especially because I could get there on time, having had the day off. 

I prepped for the work day and for going into society – had tea along with me, I go to my car and it doesn't unlock when I hit the unlock button. 

Maybe the remote battery is dying, I think. 

Then I get in. Nothing happens when I put the key in the ignition. 

I say “shoot,” but there isn't panic in my body. (This is new!) 

It's okay if I'm late to or miss choir, and I know how to jump a car. (Did it ~3 weeks ago at Pinyon VC during the work day). I’m not in the middle of BLM in Utah where I know no one. 

So I got my work keys, brought over a work truck and hooked up the jumper cables. Then a man made me jump. My new RV neighbor Rocky came over to see if I needed help. He had a battery charger, he said. 

In the end I couldn't get my car to start, so I knocked on Rocky's door to ask about his charger. He'd be over in 10, he said. While waiting, I tried again. 

This time, my car started! He lent me the charger anyway. 

And then I drove around for a half hour. To town and back, then I took the FS road opposite the AZT parking, to finally check it out. I could see the moon, nearly full. I could see the purple galaxy clouds. I could feel the winds that had been heavily heaving all day. I noticed the inside light was on when I first got the car running, and that brought me back to Friday night after the BBQ. I probably turned that on to gather my stuff… and forgot to turn it off? I hadn't driven anywhere Saturday, Sunday, or Monday – stayed home and read. 

And of course, I want to make  a story… staying out past my bed time on Friday cost me choir tonight? Thicken: The week’s prior jump had prepared me for this. Universe showed me all the angels I have around. (Not only did Rocky come over, but James stopped by to see if I needed a hand as well.) I was shown my strength, angels, the moon, and the clumsiness that can happen when I'm not fully slept/charged/rested. 

October 25, 2021
I realized upon waking at 5 that I didn't have trouble falling asleep last night. It's become usual that Sunday nights are trickier because I know I must be up early for the work week, and sometimes I'll have work tasks floating in my head. 

The fact that I'm so relaxed about volunteering this month can be attributed to the energies of the office women. What a gift! I'd like to feel this relaxed on maintenance work days in November. 

Last Thursday I don’t know if it was just low sleep, but I felt nauseous most of the day, and very thin/raw when we went to pizza. I asked Scout to drive. I felt like I could cry, but didn't have space to do so. 

The TVs and sounds/people felt intense. Bobby falling at the end made me feel worried and sad. I thought of his daughter and wondered if she ever felt scared of her dad's drinking/blackouts. 

I suppose I had a hard time sleeping all weekend. I'm trying to remain aware that the veil is thinning. I hope Thursday goes well with messages from love. And then I'll have the weekend to integrate and celebrate the end of the season.

I cut pages for my zine yesterday, feeling the text is ready enough to start writing. I want to share this message with the world! 

October 29, 2021
I'm feeling quite raw and fragile this week – I took two supplements at breakfast. Yesterday when I got back from town I saw many additional work trucks over at Pinyon – Alec and/or Kai, for example. 

I parked in the driveway and brought things in and… felt left out? Uncared for? No one drove over and said hello (of course). It was 4:30, nearing the end of their work day. Yet all of a sudden I felt this deep sadness and loneliness. Sometimes it's like I need to be receiving from a friend in front of my face in order to feel belonging/love. I don't know what this is about. 

The other experience from the week at HQ was when Shawna gave me the oil receipt I had asked Kai for. I felt sad, disappointed. How had I missed him? Why wouldn't he say hello if he’d dropped off the receipt at HQ? Feeling the teeter totter is drastically unbalanced, that it's much more important for me to see him. 

Then the shock and surprise to see him in the afternoon, and to learn he hadn't dropped off the receipt, Scout had given it to Mary on Monday. Reminded me my perception is always incomplete. I don't know the whole story. My conclusions are not Truth. I need this reminder constantly. I need to pause and rewrite/narrate the most beautiful stories from Universe.

October 29, 2021
What lives inside me is joy and fear and wonder.

The one that wants my attention during this season of my life is the deep-sensing.

It comes quickly and sometimes morphs into a spill or circle.

When it gets too big, too much, too fast, it can feel like a bike speeding downhill, feet lost from the pedals.

My impulse has often been to cry and feel small and overwhelmed.

I find my width, the container of me when I breathe, pray, and ground.

My body then wants to inhabit a hug.

I notice I am resourced by blue, familiar friendly faces, and walking.

I move between light and dark like deer who are gentle and wise about the process.

I cry out like a tea kettle.

I laugh like a flowing skirt.

I want to say “I belong! My gifts are valuable!” to every man that laughs.

I want to sing and smile so everyone knows I am here.

When I feel for the generations behind me, I hear “Return to the Earth.”

When I look forward, I see mountains.

For now, right now, I am safe.

November 2, 2021
Today was the Pinyon Snow Safety meeting, which they let me attend as my “volunteer” hours, and it was so great to be outside with familiar friendly faces all day. I laughed. I learned. I was safe. I spoke up when I had questions or comments. We went until 12:30 (!) when Kai suggested lunch.

Then I gave Kai baked goods and listened about his weekend and the divorce. Kai mentioned Bobby has a drinking problem and that he needs friends and support. I noticed how good it felt to be talking with friends. I also felt surprised at how open Kai was when Alec (new trails lead) came over – and that my ego wants some sort of intimacy, to have a friendship deeper than just a coworker. 

I've also been noticing: the degree at which I'm affected by the presence/energy of others (ie working w/ Scout vs. working at HQ last week; talking w/ Kai vs. being home alone on weekends)

November 8, 2021
Need to document an asking your guides moment. Last week Wednesday I called a dentist and left a voicemail, they never called back. Country Club was next on my list, but I didn't call them. I felt low energy on Saturday and stayed home around the house. Sick on Sunday, slept in bed. But I set an intention, and asked for a beautiful dentist and therapist. 

Today I'm organizing in the copy room and Darryl comes in to tell me he's going to the dentist in the afternoon. 

Which dentist are you going to? I ask. 

He recommends this place, his ex-wife is a hygienist there. 

He leaves, and Mary happened to have overheard and tells me she would recommend Country Club. It's nearby, they've gone for 10+ years and love it. 

I call them at my lunch break. They answer and have an opening tomorrow at 9:30! I called Klamath and a woman said she'd email them my records. Thank you angels! 

November 16, 2021
Today I sent a vocal message response to Vicky’s recent text, after months of fear at her next text/correspondence, uncertainty of what to do. I wrote out a page of sentiments, and then hit record and let the message unfold as it did from my voice.

The essence: “I feel our friendship bloomed beautifully and now I cannot put nutrients into that soil, my spirit is telling me it's a natural end of a cycle, which will become new beginnings for each of us in time.”

More concretely: It would be joyful to run into you in town – the change here is that I cannot plan hangouts or text you updates. I need to let this circle reach completion

A boundary, an ending, a change, a season.

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