Hello dear ones,

This week we're momentarily zooming out, as today's sprinkle of entries span a full year. From car camping on BLM land in Utah while waiting for the Red Rocks internship to start, through a winter and spring there, then a summer and fall working in the Deep Dome Lake. 

I really paired down these entries, only selecting a few from the year to share—some a single paragraph from three pages of a day's journaling. 

I'm including an audio message at the end—sharing some parts left out, what stood out to me, and weaving connections to the Root Living story—for those interested in a more behind-the-scenes view.

Lastly, reading so many mentions of the writing project “Boxes” this month inspired me to scan and share the finished zine from 2019: This Zine Isn't Me (It's a Zine). 

This is the first time it's been available digitally, and like “Root Living,” it is free. The zine explores topics of self-identity, melting snap-judgements, illuminating nuance, and the relationship between a maker and their creations. If that calls to you, you're warmly welcome to read it and share it.

And now, we resume the journey with 2019-Rebecca, a month and a half into car camping out west:

[If you're newly joining us, here are part 1, part 2, and part 3 of these journals.]

---

Nov. 1, 2019 vendredi

[A massage in Cedar City…]

I added a $5 chakra balance on a whim when I saw the option on the intake form. After the balancing, she said I have blockages in my heart and throat chakras. During the massage, she asked if I did work over my head. No, I said. She was surprised how tight my neck and shoulders are, and my left side. I need to do more stretching and intentional relaxing. 

Back out in the reception I browsed their bookshelf and saw a Chakra Bible. I paged through it briefly and made another whim decision to buy it.

I have buyer's remorse now… lots of pages are of yoga poses (that I can't do) and crystals (which I'm not interested in) for each chakra. $15. I didn't need a new book. I can use it and learn from it and resell it if I don't want to keep it. 

It was colder in Cedar City than it is here now, must be higher elevation. 

Nov. 2, 2019

Sore neck today. Is there a type of healer/dr. who would know why my L side and shoulders compensate so much? I think my physical therapist told me it was my fused spine.

The best thing ever would be Molly Caro May (or someone similar) taking my life and turning it into a memoir (or two, or three). What would they sift out or keep in?

Nov. 3, 2019 dimanche

I read and got into a great writing flow working on Boxes today. Now it's almost 3pm and I just hiked down to the River from my campsite – down that insane "road" that A PICKUP DROVE DOWN last night! I really can't believe it. There are sections of huge rock steps – how could a vehicle ever have the clearance? Or the incredibly steep roads. I guess vehicles can do more than I think they can, but I don't need to experience it myself. 

It's HOT this afternoon, so I put my feet in and dumped handfuls of river water onto my sweating head. Felt good. Sheep Bridge Rd. re-opens at 4pm. Please leave us a site, universe. Writing felt great today, excited to share these ideas. I'm at 5,000+ words now! Don't forget that creative energy, it exists and I want to do more than just write. I want in-person workshops and community. It feels scary now, but I believe it's possible to feel "normal" at a point in the future. I enjoy how "A New Earth" is opening my eyes, shifting my perception. 

Nov. 4, 2019 lundi

It's so easy to look at other people and say what they could do. Why is it so hard to see what I'm capable of doing? Also: It feels like trying on others' lives, these little gigs I do. Red Rocks feels like playing dress-up, it has an unreal quality, like I'm removed, not attached to it. 

Nov. 9, 2019 samedi

I've felt stagnant these days, but it won't stick around. Already I'm feeling excited about the trail tomorrow. I love hiking! I also loved that 5-sec interaction w/ the girl on the sidewalk today: I was walking to the arts center, and three chickens crossed the road (hah! really). Then, I saw a young girl looking into a smartphone, slowly walking backwards on the sidewalk. As I approached, she turned around and slowly went forwards. Then as I passed her, she looked up and said “Ohhh!!!” 

“Did I scare you?” my mouth asked.

“Yeah! You walk so silently, I didn't hear you coming,” she said.

Should I try to get involved w/ children again? Perhaps that's a piece that would bring me joy.

Nov. 11, 2019 lundi

Dear Cathleen,

Happy birthday! I've been reading a book on grief and thinking about you extra today. First I finished Twilight in bed (after Mad Men), the reading at least I think you'd appreciate and encourage the indulgence. I never got to say good-bye. So: thank you for being such a formative, kind, supportive, loving friend during my 20s. I was and am so lucky to call you a friend. I was thinking last night how your voice and Hope's are so similar. I'll miss you. I love you. Rest in peace. Goodbye Cathleen.

I still need to forgive myself for not being there during your cancer, your last 10 months on Earth. For not writing more, calling more, stopping over when I was in WI in December. I know you will forgive me. I must learn to forgive myself.

In a week I'll be starting an internship at Red Rocks. I'm a little scared of doing the 10-hr physical days and getting enough sleep (9 hours doesn't even seem to be enough, and that means bed at 8:30pm). But I'll do my best and my body will adjust. Housing is in the air too, but at least I can sleep in Elereen on BLM land in worst-case scenario. And I won't be alone. I'll have coworkers and hopefully housemates.

I don't want to say goodbye to you. I want to feel close to someone. I could talk to you at least. I'll keep writing to you here. Please help me connect with your family. I love you. Goodbye.

Love,
Rebecca

November 14, 2019

I feel so spacious/empty among people who have all those tasks and commitments. It's been a year – well, 10.5 months – of reading, relaxing, and Netflix! I want to teach others via experiences in-person, and be self-supported. Or live in an intentional community. Or work with people I like while learning useful skills. Also: Seasonal summer work in WI. I can plant seeds. I can learn new skills. I can grow and become. And be here now. The yellow (fall) in the bushes is so delicious, so telling of the season. Air smelled smoky tonight. I need to start seeing the gifts in my life, and not moan.

November 17, 2019 dimanche

Wow, I couldn't have asked for a better morning—-my final day before the internship starts tomorrow.

I knew I needed to poop and empty my cup this morning, then the thought arose that I could drive to Riverside Park in the morning to read, and then to Red Rocks after lunch. 

I had plenty of time alone at Riverside to dump all my recycling into the recycling, use the bathroom and wash up. 

I was making tea/oatmeal at a picnic table when I saw another silver Honda Element pull into the lot. The driver got out and went to the bathrooms. When she later walked past my table, I said "hi" but she didn't hear me, so I just let her walk past. 

On her way back through the picnic tables I was so absorbed in Twilight I didn't notice her, but she came over and asked if she could talk to me.

We were the only two cars in the lot at this point, car twins. Get this: she told me she'd bought her vehicle from Honda Wilde in Madison, WI! So she had been surprised to see “Honda Wilde” on Elereen's plate-holder. (She recently got UT plates, so I wouldn't have known if we hadn't talked.)

Her name is Sophie, and she's lived here for 2 years, but is now headed to Arizona… today!

I asked her about housing in the area, and she said to check the bulletin board outside of the post office and to ask people. I can do that! She said her friend Kyle w/ mustache had seen my car at Sheep Bridge (BLM) and thought it was her. Then she left, to begin her drive. 

Enlivened by the synchronicity of this interaction, and glad to know of one local (her friend Kyle), I settled and continued to read.

Suddenly I saw a figure out of the corner of my eye - Sophie had come back to give me some gifts! She gave me two Cliff bars, Halloween candy (extra from her nieces and nephews), and a crystal: citrine. She said she felt called to give it to me. 

I thanked her, held it in my hands, and breathed in energy from the sun.

Then I got my Chakra Bible out of the car – the new one I'd felt guilty for buying – and searched for citrine. Pg 186: Crystal to balance manipura.

December 1, 2019 dimanche

It's Sunday night and I love that I'm excited to go to work tomorrow. I love where I live and feel so good in the comforts of home.

This past Monday at work all of us went to the Sandloop to brush. Brian and I ended up working near each other, while the rest of the group had gone straight to the loop (w/o telling us). At lunch I suggested we go find them to touch base and communicate a plan for the afternoon. 

We walked the whole loop until we ran into the three girls, and on those 2.5 miles we passed many sections that still needed brushing. When we found them, they said they'd brushed the whole loop. 

“Really?” I said, and didn't elaborate. 

I didn't want to be unliked by the girls by criticizing their work. I felt torn b/c I didn't want to fall into that do-good rule-follow role, but I also felt embarrassed of the work they'd done. 

Not long after, it started raining and they all finished the loop (so fast!) and waited by the corral while I cut overhead branches with the Silky. It was only 3:15. I didn't know why they were waiting for me – it's work time so I'm brushing. We talked to Tim & James for a bit when they left the field. 

Then everyone started walking out on the trail that led back to the parking lot. I followed that direction, but stopped and brushed each time I saw an overhanging branch—which was often.

My back hurt and it was wet and difficult to hold the saw overhead, especially after doing it all day. I decided to hike out at 4:40. 

As soon as I started hiking to the truck, I ran into Ellen. She had come to look for me—everyone else was waiting at the trucks. Had they thought I was following behind them? We never said we were done working. So I felt angry and frustrated that day. 

Then back at the office, at 5:20 Jim told us the good news: We'll be able to rent park housing for the rest of the season! No more car camping! Really needed that game-changer.

I texted Matt this weekend. I mailed him a postcard Saturday too; he got my letter today. Our correspondence made me realize I haven't felt as close to anyone as I felt to him back when we were together. That's over six years ago. That's sad, right? I don't want to be a loner. But without Cathleen, without Brad, I do notice the lack of any daily talking. 

I suppose now I'll be recounting my days to my coworkers, but that's temporary – like most of my gigs. Where's the continuity? … But now is temporary; my situation will change. Maybe this is a peak I can't see yet. I'm proud of you for work and spreading positivity and working on your project and budgeting and making RTR retreat happen. I love you!

December 8, 2019

Here's a story I might be able to use in a future piece: So, Thursday evening I was talking w/ Emma, my housemate who I just met the day prior. (She's been on vacation since I moved into our shared park housing.) 

She said I should try her shortbread sometime, and that the recipe was so good – butter and sugar. As soon as I heard the word “butter,” I shut it down as something I wouldn't eat. It was the perfect time to share that I don't eat butter/dairy, but I was exhausted and didn't say anything. 

The next morning I woke up to a sweet note on the container with some shortbread. I gave it to Ellen when we went to town because I thought it wasn't vegan. Later in the day, I texted Emma so she'd have my number, and decided to just be honest: my friend ate it and loved it. I eat mostly vegan.

“Oooh no, it was vegan!” she texted back.

“Dang!” My bad. I learned to speak up and not assume. In my defense, I was in an exhausted state the evening prior, and it really did feel levels more difficult to say something.

~~~

I just texted Matt my realization from last weekend: that he's the closest friend I've had so far in my life, who I've felt closest to. I teared up. Cathleen felt close but in a different way, and not as intense. No other friendship has compared. So far. It is what it is!

What has deepened is my relationship with myself and with the Earth. I'm reading “The Dance of the Dissident Daughter” right now and love the rituals and connection with Goddesses. I want to keep moving in that direction for sure.

For my timesheet this period, I said my goal is to engage my core more so my shoulders don't tense up as much. My left shoulder is flaring up again, shoulders and neck are super tight. I massage my neck and breathe into my shoulder. But it must be the way I carry myself or something.

December 21, 2019

In general I still feel very “other”/not connected, me living in my fluid world, and those around me looking through boxy eyes. It's such a different experience, but feels hard to relate - to make small talk with Box-viewers when that's not my true experience. When to point out that not all “tourists”/selfie-takers/IGers/vacationers are alike. They're human. The other interns dis vacationers a lot, and so far I mostly just keep quiet, keep my thoughts to myself. Well, I'm getting them out in this zine, which I'll start working on now.

December 29, 2019

What feels too much is being alone, not having anyone to talk to who gets me, grieving Cathleen, not having familial ties to lean on – and knowing in less than 5 months I have to pack up and move again. Start over. So, I need to feed connections. I'm going to RTR for this purpose. I'm connecting with the Earth and with my inner self. Start there, the rest will follow. We are not alone, I will not feel like this forever! And that's my “too much” story, I suppose. It felt too much, and I went through, bought a car, learned stick, taught Spanish, and grieved. And got myself to the Red Rocks. 

I am in the story of the woman who has no deep friendship.

It is dark blue.

It is a misunderstood criminal.

It is the arctic tundra, cold and without joy.

It moves like a toaster - popping up to interact in society, but usually down, out of sight for inner warmth alone.

It is partially born from “one is silver and the other gold”

It tastes like cold potatoes.

It sounds like silence.

It smells like two cups of tea, drunk alone.

If it could talk it would say “I just want to share my day.”

It reaches for the closest human.

It looks like a 90s nightgown, plain and for yourself only.

It is heavy as all the past one carries

It is light as being tethered to no one.

She now sees greater depth in the world and her presence. She feels connected to all. She pushes that connection to the top of her presence. She finds others who love, others who care, others who are presence. She builds a home among friends. She lives your best qualities, amplified: authenticity, joy, bravery, connection with Earth. She's reborn, emerging each day.

March 8, 2020

I'm feeling the ground getting fertile for another creative project; even the ideas in Boxes feel old news/stale. My present understanding of the world/physical/spiritual feel impossible to pin down. The moment you've finally crafted words, everything has changed again. I need to remember words/art are no one's “present.” It's so FLUID. Topic for the book project? Every minute we change. Something that blows and moves and spins.

Anyway, in this moment I see that Lee is not so well aligned with me, and I'm able to let him be who he is and appreciate his uniqueness without molding him to fit my needs/wants. I'll be able to let go and let him grow on his path that feels right for him. 

I've appreciated the present and have seen where I hold grudges/blame and when I look through a lens of fear instead of a lens of love. He's illuminated for me what dedication looks like, transformation, discipline, being oneself, being confident/assertive, being deeply obsessed with something (tea), and that it's okay to be a hermit. 

And inspiring to want to give back and mold young lives. Lee is not here to meet my needs and keep me safe. I can meet my needs and find support in my friends and Earth.

May 15, 2020

I'm scared of the Deep Dome Lake - will I get there okay, will the park entrance be open, will I like my roommate/crew, will it be a good environment. But I've learned to TRUST you, universe, and wise self. Everything is working beautifully. This could be a magical, healing environment, there could be much love to be shared. I will grow and learn and deepen roots. 

Dianne had asked what I was resisting instead of accepting: that I'm a long-winded writer. That I spend “too much” time alone or have to defend my spacious living. I can just “be” like this. For being “too quiet” and not immediately speaking thoughts. This is a gift too, I must realize.

The Red Rocks: in Photos

June 26, 202

I haven't felt very ALIVE and lit up lately. Is it lack of alone time, lack of community? Feeling plopped here on a solo spiritual journey. … I need to be around soulful, spiritual people. 

Sept. 5, 2020

I would put the word “vine” in my pocket because it grows and grows, twisting around any obstacles and using that to ground itself, to push off and reach higher towards the light. They move all around – not a thick trunk in one place – and adapt to the width of whatever it hugs. 

The trick is to keep your inner core - to take the shape of other things but not become them. 

You're a vine, don't forget it. I'm thinking about where I'll go when my job at Deep Dome Lake ends, and I know any choice will lead me to more clues and experiences to just grow another centimeter and more will be revealed, but my mind wants to know where the next leaf will grow. I'm craving a home base and a community I can return to year after year. How to buy land - a simple home? 

Keep growing and twisting and following the light.

Sept. 10, 2020

Dear 21-year-old Rebecca,

Take a deep breath. Relax. Go outside to be with nature. Stop drinking—you'll feel so good when you do this in 8.5 years. Listen to your heart and gut. Join a conservation corps. I'm proud of all you've experienced and observed. You'll live in Korea for a year and it will push you. You'll date Matt again while there, long-distance this time. He'll dump you near the end of the year, a few weeks after he visits in person. Let him go. It's a gift.

Treasure the time with Cathleen, she's no longer here. Write and make whatever you're called to make. Fuck audiences, followers, and SEO. Just make in your little writer's woodshop. Try therapy - we still haven't, but we will. Love yourself. Love others. Every day is an opportunity to share love.

Sept. 19, 2020

I want to be in community with other spiritual seekers and creatives. I want to feel that sense of belonging among others, to relax into myself, whole body is at ease, soul is getting hugged and re-energized. The buzz and energy of meeting new people and learning of new resources that encourage me and push me further along this Shamanic/spiritual journey.

I see smiles and acceptance and I hear chatter and laughter. 

The energy of the space is calm, warm, inviting, and accepting. There is music playing from a live piano, crystal bowls, deep breathing, connection with spirit, and with each other. There are hugs and handshakes, children running about, plant snacks, close circles, holding hands, a massage therapist on-site…

Sept. 25, 2020

How have I taken care of myself over my lifetime? (In titles):

Walk from Mexico to Utah

Just Write

Listen to Inner Knowing

Playfully Create

Woman Eats Plants

Follow Energy Interest

Sweet Self Talk

Make Music for Fun

Letting Go

No More Spanish Uncle

Allow Friends to Change

Goodbye Facebook

Retreat in Phoenix

Return to Love

Deep Dome Lake: in Photos

The writings were scarce here; not much I wanted to remember. So here's a bit of this season in photos.

There was a crew member who made paper signs of short phrases, and she offered to make one for each of us.

In the photo below, the banner I asked for is pictured on top, as seen in my bedroom; the banner on the bottom is what our crew lead chose, as seen in our office at work.

This snap-shot comparison is actually a fitting glimpse into that season.

Saturday, Nov. 7, 2020

I left Deep Dome Lake today, everything packed into Elereen, snow still on the ground, headed towards the retreat center in California. I was only a half hour into the day's drive, on a 65 mph two-lane highway when suddenly an orange exclamation point appeared on my dashboard, along with the orange letters “TMPS.”

My heart beat faster, my whole body consumed in fear. Oh no, oh no. Oh no.

What's wrong, what's wrong.

Everything I own is in the car. I have no home. I don't know anyone. I don't know any trustworthy mechanics. 

Shakily, I pulled over at the next pull-out. I dug into my car manual and learned that TMPS is simply the system that electronically monitors tire pressure. 

Big exhale. I know how to check tire pressure! I don't need a machine/sensor to do this for me!

I got back on the road, but it took a while for relief to return to my body. These are all new roads, new terrain, didn't know what the campground would look like, so I'm not that settled to begin with.

Sunday, Nov. 8, 2020

[At BLM Cowboy Camp, en route to Black Mountain]

There were plenty of rigs – campers, RVs, buses, and horses – when I woke up this morning, but currently I'm the only one here. I hiked for an hour on the nearby trail this morning, and as I passed an RV couple sitting outside for breakfast, they both waved at me and wished me “good morning!”

And I felt safe and welcome and isn't this all we need in the world? That when you see another human, you look up, and smile, and say hello, thereby communicating “I see you and you matter and we're all in this together, if you have a flat or need a jump or matches, we'll help you.” Their simple smile and good morning really did foster a good feeling and energy in me.

Once back from said hike, a man came out of the neighboring RV and I said hello. Then he kept walking towards me. His name is Michael, holes in shirt, drowsy eyes, tubby, introduced himself to me as he and his brother are both from Wisconsin (they saw my plates). They'd bought their RV and left a month and a half ago when his brother Ryan (in 50s) was fired from a job unfairly (a doctor told him he needed to take a health leave from work, but the next day his job was like where the fuck are you and fired him).

Michael has MS. They'd tried a gig in Arizona at a farm in the Superstitions with goats, etc. but that ended poorly. They were “literally counting pennies” today, $46 he said. (Total? How to fill gas? I wondered to myself.)

Michael told me about Ryan getting sick from “heights,” and that when Michael drove through the mountains, on the drive down he only went like 15 mph so his brother wouldn't get sick.

He eagerly shared, “I had a PARADE of cars behind me, people were honking.” He laughed, “I just smiled and waved!”

Both brothers broke out into laughter recalling this drive.

Hearing this story, something rearranged in me.

I want to conjure this image the next (and every) time I hold up another car or cars, which usually feels very uncomfortable, my body completely aware of their discontent with my speed — especially learning what gears are right for a manual when going uphill.

~~~

Dear Cathleen,

In the past year and a half since you died, I've been particularly drawn to the spiritual world. I read Marianne Williamson in the mornings, and use goddess guidance cards regularly. But I'm not connecting with my soul regularly. So in this next life season at the retreat center, I'd like to 1) spend 5 min each morning either in meditation or in prayer. Sitting in silence, connecting with breath.

2) I'd like to pray more often. As in, making petitions to the universe. For things I want to happen, but also for when I feel ungrounded or scared or lonely or unsure. I want to build the practice/habit of turning to prayer for guidance and as a regular tool. Sometimes it would pop up this summer – where would you have me go, what would you have me say, and to whom, but I'd like it to become an everyday thing, woven into my days.

---

It can be fascinating to look back and see patterns, with the hindsight/distance of seven years. Here are some vocal reflections about the year in this collection, as well as an Elereen story I wrote up this week, which wasn't in the journals (vocal is ~12 min).

And to close, inspired by the intention in this final letter, I invite you to pray: for guidance, for support, for peace.

Whatever weight you are carrying, can you entertain the idea that this is not yours to fix/solve/heal?

You can turn it over, simply ask with your heart. Trust. And repeat.

Pray to the Trees. Pray to God/Source/Creator. Pray to Jesus. Pray to your Great—Great-Grandmother. In whatever way feels right to you.

Taking a breath, here and now.

May you be well.
May you be at peace.
May your spirits be strengthened.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca