Hello dear one,
Last week 2019-Rebecca left Steamboat Springs, after the phone interview at Red Rocks. (Here is part 1 and part 2 of these journals, if you're newly joining).
This week she continues towards Hurricane, UT. If you only have space for one entry, read Oct. 22.
Oct. 10, 2019 Thursday
Turns out I had service, 4G and some LTE where I slept last night, so I composed a thank you email to Jim at NPS, taking more time than necessary. I read and read "Small Fry." Slept from ~9:30pm to 7/8am.
This morning I went to the bathroom in shorts, not too chilly even though air is crisp and sun was just coming out. Then I continued to read in bed until 11. I cut toenails, and left for an hour's walk, following "Trail 2" until I arrived at this other campsite, where I am using picnic table to write.
Reading Lisa's memoir makes me wonder what stories I'd retell from childhood. How does she have all those details? For me it's way thinner and sparse – seeing some train somewhere with relatives. Wetting underwear and hiding them under Simba's shirt on the train to Denver. Writing about Violet the Cat on the computer. Writing stories. When did I stop writing fiction? Which events/details are worth retelling? What spoken words do I remember? "It's not okay. But you can accept her apology." "Hey you kids, knock it off!"
I found myself looking at the couple camped across from me with envy. How wonderful it must be to share moments with someone. I know things aren't "fixed" nor easier in a couple, I just want companionship. Universe, help me enjoy the time with myself, and lead me to kindred spirits. Please and thank you.
I'm not zooming through space with no strings. I have some strings, they're just loose and wailing in the wind too. Some days I can feel them, but others, no. Just heard voices of two bikers going by. Lots of BMX out here. Who would I meet if I sejourned in France today, without Dee? I have placed eggs in the Red Rocks basket! It's quiet and peaceful here. Yellow flowers, crisp fall grasses, green junipers.
I had a thought while hiking back to camp about when we moved when I was between 6th and 7th grade. How when I was in elementary school, to move or be "the new kid" felt so foreign, exotic. And that it wasn't until many years after I experienced it myself, did I realize I HAD BEEN the new kid, I had been the one who moved. But I hadn't made the connection b/c the experience of the thing was so different from the idea of the experience I'd had as a child – outsider's perspective. I was just regular old me. Perhaps that's my earliest, clearest example of where the actual experience is nothing like the imagined/perceived experience.
Oct. 12 Saturday 8:50am
Yesterday was a total "town day" in Moab. I didn't eat breakfast or brush my teeth, just peed and started driving. An hour and a half later – I was in Moab. Took a $5 shower at the Rec Center and felt new. Then I put in laundry at the laundromat. While it was drying I went into City Market and got bananas, 2 kiwi, and a green pepper. After laundry I filled gas at City and then headed downtown and parked at the thrift shop.
I got some books there:
Course in Miracles Workbook ($1),
Grieving: The Pain and the Promise (50 cents),
two Natalie Goldberg books – Memoir and Wild Mind (50 cents each),
another writing book (Writing Begins with the Breath by Laraine Herring), and
Hope, Human, and Wild by Bill McKibben (who I just heard speak at Prairie Fest).
Then I ate at Moab Kitchen, the vegan food cart place I ate at last year. Curry w/ eggplant sauce – so good! I drove to the library, where I added a few podcasts to the iPod mini and looked up maps/camping spots for the route to Hurricane.
At camp I felt a little nauseous, so I ate vegan chikn noodle soup and tea for dinner. Started Owen Meany. Slept so great – from 9 or so until 7, delicious sleep, no pee wake-ups, in a dream all night (this happened the night before too - really great sleep). I'm so thankful for it. Last night I also started to read the grief book I got. Turns out she's Mormon, of course, so there are LDS parts I skim, but I'll see what I can gain from the rest.
I wonder if the job still starts on the 21st if he's not making selections until next week…
Oh, and at the library I got MORE books from their booksale: Mind Over Medicine, a Marianne Williamson book of prayers, Twilight, and this non-fiction book translated from French – looked possibly interesting and not what I normally read.
Oct. 13 2019 Sunday
This morning I woke up at 7, again having slept a full (10-hr?) night! Today on the drive I put on You Made it Weird and have really enjoyed the conversation. They talked about "earthgazing"-- how when astronauts see Earth from space it changes them, how language (ie "prayer," "god" etc.) means different things for different people – lots that I've had on my mind too.
Now it's 2pm and I've just pulled into my beautiful spot for the night, in Fishlake National Forest outside of Salina, on FR 281. Lots of Juniper around, with canyon rock around us in the distance.
Mom had asked if you can see the fall colors here, so I explained how the landscape was much different from WI and sent some pics. I used to get mad and frustrated at those types of questions – does she really not know, can't she google the weather/pics, etc – but now I have patience and understanding that she really doesn't know, and I'm her connection to other places. And her asking means she cares about my life, it's a sign of love.
This Tuesday will mark three weeks now that I've been on the road. I'm feeling like a scrim has been lifted – more energy, more myself, that lonely/isolated feeling is not present/as overbearing as it was. I'm feeling like I'm building creative energy – got lots of writing books lately and it's like soon I'll have the energy to write stuff, to play, to set aside my desire to make a finished "thing" and just write. They also talked on the podcast about how humans waste SO MUCH ENERGY beating themselves up. I still feel aligned w/ my focus from the start of the year: to cheer myself on for everything and not expect any creations/productions – to put productivity on hold for a year. No pressure. Also: Full moon last night. I just put a kiwi in the sun to try and ripen it for today (does it even work like that?) and I want to cook/eat the green pepper today. Okay, reading time!
@5:30 - Black cows are eating around me and it's comforting. Took off my shoes and saw I'd sunburned my feet yesterday in flip flops - no wonder they hurt today. So I put on aloe and am lying here listening to a Decemberists album. Haven't sat and just listened to music in… a decade? Hopes for future me, esp. If I spend 6 months in Hurricane: 1) therapy 2) live music 1x/mo. 3) community! 4) Get better at adding harmony (3rds and 4ths) while singing
I feel a little nauseous again, like yesterday. Maybe that's why I slept so much last night.
Oct. 14 Monday 2019 @9:18am
That last song on the album, Sons and Daughters, is in my head: We'll build our homes on the water. We'll make our house aluminum, we'll fill our mouths with cinnamon…
I want to write rhyming poems about being kind and gratitude and nature…
It's taking a decent chunk of the morning to come back to "reality" after those dreams, wow.
~~~
Dear Cathleen,
Tonight I had a green pepper in my "pepper garlic" ramen for dinner, PB+J and kiwi + triscuits for lunch and snack. I just ripped into the Trader Joe's choc chips and have had enough. I'm reading A Prayer for Owen Meany - have you ever read it? What books are your favorites? What do you think I would like?
It's still sad and hard to face that you're gone. I like to picture you back at the farm in Blue Mounds, but I know you're not there, just Glenn. I should send him a postcard - I wonder how he's doing. And your younger brother too. I'll try and help look after them, but can you look after me please? I need to know you're still rooting me on, proud of me, and supporting me. Oh, how you showered me with love, Cathleen – thank you for that gift. You know how much I love you, right? If you thought my silence/absence last year was because I didn't care, that's far from true.
I was too shy/scared to call your brother back that day, when he answered your phone and said you were sleeping. If he was at your house, it couldn't be good, right? I love you. I miss you. I want to keep sharing my life with you – someone who was excited to hear my thoughts. Maybe you'll lead me to a new friend with whom I can share openly? I'll keep writing to you though, I must. I want to ask you about the grieving from all your family losses - your father, all those relatives, and your mother. Did it change you? Did you feel capable of loving deeper? How I would love to read your memoir. I know, I know, and you mine, I'm sure. It's hard to filter events and details – what to include, what to leave out.
After reading Small Fry, I've been thinking about what events I'd include from my childhood. And what would tie it all together, what's an overarching theme in my life? Transformation? But in childhood – there was no theme, I just played and wrote and tried not to get in trouble – boom, there it is, my fear of being yelled at. What was your childhood theme? Did you ever go to therapy? How have we not discussed all of this? Or did we? Have you explored "spirituality"? I'll read our emails – that could give clues.
October 15, 2019 @17h30
outside of Parowan's petroglyphs in a beautiful golden grassy field surrounded by hills spotted w/ Juniper. Beautiful sun, clear skies.
I went to library for internet and briefly searched camping. Quickly searched apartments in Hurricane. Initial search did not look good… 4 results, 3 of 4 are unfurnished, not people I'd want to live with. I can always live out of the SUV and splurge on AirBnb for coldest months, or team up with other crew members… but internet peek was not encouraging. Touristy!
Then I left for petroglyphs. When I got stressed thinking about housing, I tried to remind myself: Dinosaurs used to walk here! They lived here on this earth, too. It's a silly human-game "problem," I'll work the system. Nate texted thanks for the food package - his didn't show! Damn.
Oct. 16, 2019 @9:40am mercredi
I slept from like 8pm-8am. I'm having worry thoughts of - are you sure your body is up to rising early for 10-hr work days? I also had dream after dream – one was about finding housing I think. If I'd asked more about it, maybe I wouldn't have pursued this Red Rocks position so strongly – if I'd realized it's a commute. The $400/week GIS gig would have net me more. I sat here thinking for like an hour after I woke up.
The moon is in front of me, sun behind, big blue skies. I'm wishy washy between spending another night here or going on to Hurricane. I need help from all the goddesses this week, as I transition into wherever the path leads. Just be patient, Rebecca, the pieces will fall into place slowly.
"Relax, observe, relinquish expectation. Flow into the rhythm dictated by the situation." -Martha Beck
@19h45 Well, I stayed here today. No email. I read in bed and listened to Terrible Thanks for Asking and ate the second bag of chips w/ lunch and afternoon snack, finished the Ginger Ale too and DANCED to Kesha and Bâtard while kimchi soup simmered. Homemade bread tastes so Real. Started "Mind Over Medicine" and am seeing again how important our thoughts are. I also listened to a SuperSoul ep. With the guy (dr.) who showed prayer heals.
I see that spirituality "works" if you believe it, because our beliefs change how we experience everyday experiences. Last night I worked on Boxes for a little, felt good, deleted a lot to simplify my history. I can have a first draft in November, yeah!
Katya texted today, and Derrick emailed. What does it mean when these energies keep returning? Is it best to respond or ignore? I think I'll respond this time. Briefly tell Derrick about grief, brief text to Katya.
Oh! Today these bugs kept falling on the car top and tailgate – I'd watch them thru the skylight. It's as if one foot didn't work on all of them: they crash land, find footing again, and then launch off. So that was the click, click tap, tap on the roof this afternoon.
I really like this field. Didn't hear coyotes or anything last night as I'd hoped – left a side window open just for that until it was too cold.
Keep on journaling and reading and following your intuition. Miracles are happening! And if I wake up early, call Brad!
Oct. 17, 2019
Had VM from Brad in morning, he got my letter and wants to talk. Woke up from like 1:30-4:30. Safe drive today. Mailed two letters and spent $30 at grocery store (on what? $10/10 Cliff bars). Broccoli. Had rice + lentils tonight… took a long time to cook even though I soaked rice all day. Downloaded 3 episodes of Mad Men on phone at library and watched them all tonight.
I left Brad a VM before leaving library for camp. Took last spot #48 in first string of camping spots. Am thinking about leaving a tent here during the day, to save a spot… if it's full on a Thursday at the end of October, a weekend would be busier. No email yet from Red Rocks… no way the job starts Monday. Right? Hope for a good night's restful sleep. I love you!
Oct. 18, 2019 vendredi
Woke up feeling crappy + sad, probably mostly due to wind last night keeping me up. So I stayed in bed a long time, doing nothing. Finally got up, peed, ate a banana, put out tent (on tarp w/ rocks) and green bag w/ recyclable (w/ rock in) to "save" my spot and left around noon for Springfield. Library time: downloaded 3 more episodes of Mad Men, read a few articles. Received no email about the internship.
Drove back to camp. Walked for an hour. Made ½ mac+cheese with broccoli. Watched 2 episodes Mad Men. I'm planning to wake to an alarm tomorrow (omg) and attend a park clearing of tumbleweed in Springdale (?). It goes 9-1. I hope parking's not an issue! Lots of paid parking and parking regulations in town because of Red Rocks. My back-up plan is to park at library and walk, if there's time. I don't know exactly where this park is. I think I need a friend to talk to… I'm having trouble embracing the joy of living/limbo…
October 19, 2019 samedi
I did get up and go to the Tumbleweed cleanup at the park in town this morning. It was good to get my hands busy and work – even if I didn't do much socializing. Tumbleweed is prickly and EVERYwhere, it's from Asia. We filled one of the two dumpsters. They had snacks afterwards: apples, orange slices.
Then I went bathing in the river! It was really cold water, so I dipped my head down and over, without putting my waist/upper half in. I don't feel as clean as my Moab shower, but I got all that aloe residue (and dirt) off my feet, and don't feel totally gross.
The 6pm evening dog walking couple (young) just passed, to head back up the hill. I want to feel joy for them instead of a longing for company myself. I received a text from mom today: "What's plan B?" I know she means well, but that kind of questioning makes me feel urgh! And I realize that's a me-change; I'm not going to ask her not to ask. She's worried b/c she loves me. It doesn't help me lean into abundance though.
Last night I had a writing idea: the difference in how I felt camping at BLM at petroglyphs vs. BLM with neighbors. Also: after one night here vs. the first time I drove in (and felt like an outsider). I want to feel as though I belong and am welcome everywhere. I want to lose that initial fear of – will someone notice I'm not from here? And just act like I've done it a million times. Like washing in the river – idk if there's some weird no swimming rule or anything, so I went further down where I'd be more out of sight. Also: privacy. But, if I washed there week after week, or was with someone else who swam there boldly, I wouldn't think twice. And onlookers would think you belonged. (But fuck what onlookers think!) Tomorrow I will type-write (hehe). Tonight: Mad Men and popcorn – what a treat!
October 20, 2019 dimanche
It's 2pm. I'm crying so I thought I'd write it out. I started my moon today too, as suspected. I slept from 8 to 8 again, with loud wind blowing, so idk how much deep sleep I got. At 7am the sky was still black and the moon was bright and high in the sky. It's waning. I read in bed in the morning and it was nice.
Matt texted back and said he's depressed and doesn't think he wants to be a nurse anymore. He also reassured me I'm welcome anytime and that he'll probably call this month to talk it out with me. So grateful I can always fall back on Matt, given the relationship in our teens and early 20s, even though he lives far away and we hardly talk.
I just saw that Alex Franzen is hiring a 10hr/week intern for Jan 2020, $20/hr. I got excited, then felt sad. I'm still grieving Cathleen, I feel lonely without regular friends. I want a community and a task in the world. I'm terrified of the possible housing search. I doubt if I can write cohesive essays like Nicole. Matt corrected my language in our text exchange: I'd said "grieving is my verb" and he said to just say "I'm grieving the loss of Cathleen," don't hide the plain message.
I feel like I'm Waiting for Email. I will get some response tomorrow, but I should reframe the living: I am Free and Healthy! I'm surrounded by Natural Beauty! Stocked with books I want to read! Owner of a fabulous Honda Element! I am a Badass Who Learned to Drive Manual While Grieving Best Friend's Death and Driving West. I am okay and I am crying. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I don't feel great. I want a hug. I worked a little on Boxes today, I think it needs more showing, less telling.
~~~
Thoughts while walking: That my wordiness and need to include The Whole Story because I want context. I want the situation seen through my eyes. But in all other art, the artist has no control over how the art is received. Each individual can interpret it for their own situation. It's trusted that the creation doesn't allow you to assume or know anything about the artist, but rather it's something you can interpret to your own liking. I don't want to give up that control when the "art/creation" is my life. I want people to see the breadcrumbs and circumstances and thinking and emotions that led me from one moment to the next. I don't want to be judged because I didn't include enough context. But I must let go of this fear, this control. Maybe once I free my writing from the details that bog it down, maybe then it can fly.
Oct. 22 2019 mardi
Today I read Owen Meany in bed until 11 or so, then drove to the next road of camp sites to poop at the pit toilet at the trailhead. While parked there, I made a sandwich and opened a La Croix and put my chair in the shade of Elereen for lunch. I finished the sandwich much sooner than the La Croix, so I pulled out a book and read for a bit.
There had been a black SUV parked at the trailhead also. While I was reading, two women returned from a trail, went to the toilet, and then got in that black SUV. I peeked up to see if I should wave, but they were talking to each other. When they started the car, I thought about when to wave as they drove by. As soon as I peeked up, they were already waving at me, so I smiled and waved back. Then I tried to get into this book. The fantasy from 6th grade that I Think Ellen gifted me.
I was starting to understand the main characters, and then I heard another car pull in. Looked like the same black SUV. Had they forgotten something? They pulled around and stopped at my car, rolling down the windows.
"This is gonna seem weird," one woman began, "but we just wanted to tell you how awesome it is what you're doing – reading a book with a gorgeous view. It's great!" They said.
I lamely made a comment that the only shade was my car, so that's why I was seated there. Then they wished me a great day and drove on.
It took me a moment to register what had just happened:
They'd turned around and driven back to tell me! They must have been discussing it!
I love to read and I love being outside… and I have been joyfully doing both together on this journey west. So the fact that I can be reading alone during a gentle spacious day, during a low season of grief—and that grabs someone's attention as it did, was incredible!
~~~
Then, 12:30, I decide to walk a trail for an hour. I happen upon a "Canal Trail" that goes down the cliff, to the canal. I wished I'd brought my hiking poles, but used a stick from the bottom on the way back up. It felt good to descend and climb, to be on a trail. It's like all of a sudden I was AZT-me. Short of breath, but strong. It was a much quicker hike up than down, and I was already planning that I could hike down and up each day – to get stronger and be alive, and that I could "bathe" again down in that canal.
In the afternoon I got email from Dan at ACE, (project coordinator?) and we will have a follow-up call tomorrow at 10am. Is this a third phone interview? It's unclear. But, I have 5 bars and LTE over here (what?!) so I should be able to just talk from Elereen.
Oct. 24, 2019 jeudi
I got offered the job yesterday! After a 3rd interview with Dan. He asked what situational awareness means to me, what I'm hoping to gain from the experience, what I'm most looking forward to and most nervous about (I said housing), he clarified ACE's role and NPS's role, and asked if I had more questions. I asked about the hiring timeline, and then he offered the spot! So I texted lots of people yesterday to let them know.
I wrote on Boxes for a while yesterday and read…good day at camp. I felt great. Three episodes of Mad Men last night, I think.
Oct. 27, 2019 dimanche
Dear Cathleen,
What were your favorite books? I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry I didn't call more or talk to your younger brother last December – I could have driven out to visit you when I was in WI. Are you showing me love? This journey of Oneness and Connectedness? What do you think about spirituality? Will you help guide my journey? Did you know Marianne Williamson? Would you vote for her? I just started Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth," and it's great. It's that step-back, broad view I see in M. Williamson. I talked with Brad briefly on Friday. Maybe our friendship will evolve and last, maybe its chapter is closing.
October 28, 2019 lundi
This morning I walked to the toilets at 8:30. The plan: make water for tea + oatmeal, leave by 9:15 to hit grocery store (instant rice, PB, bread, bananas) before library opens at 10. (PS - Last night (and day) it was windy AF - I stayed in the car all day reading b/c it was insane.) An older man passed by in pickup and I told him about the trailhead turnaround. By the time he passed me on his way out, I was seconds from leaving myself. Got in the car, turned the key… and nothing.
Click, click, click.
Nooo.
I tried it again. It's really not starting.
Dread and panic overcome me. I popped the hood, not sure what to look for, and then tried it again. Nothing. Car?? What's wrong? My phone was dead of course, so I grabbed my tea and wallet (w/ AAA card) and started walking down the empty dirt road. Sent up some prayers.
The first vehicle I finally came across was a pickup with a huge RV attached. I saw someone moving up in the RV, but I was considering if I wanted to approach them or not, when a woman peeked out "Hello! How are you?"
I told her my car didn't start that morning, and we determined it probably was the battery and needed a jump. They were just starting to pack up to move anyway, so they said they could drive down to my site when they were ready to leave (they have jumper cables!). And guess where they were from? Wausau, WI. My whole body settled during this interaction—kind, helpful people with a familiar accent! Thank you, thank you.
They drove down, and I had my manual out and open, and Susan had theirs, and she corrected her husband when he did the wrong order. The jump worked!
I drove behind them and into town and straight to the mechanic's on the corner. They put in a new battery – $110 – and just like that, crisis averted. Chilly today – but it'll go back up to 70s this weekend. Bought jumper cables. Noticed my radio said "enter code" and I didn't have the code… so went back to car place and another guy got the number from my dealer – very nice and quick!
I'm proud of you for staying calm and strongly fixing Elereen today. I'm grateful I was so close to another car with jumpers, and that the fix was ~$100.
Oct. 31, 2019 jeudi
I d/l-ed more Mad Men and a few podcasts. I booked a massage for tomorrow in Cedar City! And I looked up a few ideas for rituals for Sow-win. I'll do a small ritual this evening. I came back ~4 to site and started on dinner right away: pasta, the rest of the red sauce, and veggies. I read and then watched two episodes of Mad Men. I was probably out by 9pm. Not a windy night, thank you! And not a windy day today either.
Frost on windows and frozen tea/PB last night again. I read aloud from my Celtic Devotional this morning, and will use it again today for ceremony. After finishing Secret Life of Bees, I went on a little stroll down the "trail" that goes into the Canyon. I sat on a rock for 10 min, hand on heart, sitting with my spirit – I shall need to come up with a new name. It was great, I need to do that daily. 5 or 10 min, I can do it.
Using the day to reflect back on the year… a year ago I was in Halloweentown on this day with Derrick and Ryan, making our way to Flagstaff in Ryan's car. Now I have my own vehicle – with bed – and travel in my own way. I learned not to spend that much time in close quarters with people whose energy you don't love to be around. In France Jan/Feb I experienced timidity and that exposed-feeling of being Different. Foreign. It took more strength to do regular things again, and I cared so much what others thought – how to be a polite lunch guest with Dee's colleague, how to be nice to Alexandre. I was in my head a lot, had one Skype with Meg, but otherwise Dee was my only communication. And then the news of Cathleen's death while I'm an ocean away. Doing the things I didn't want to do for the AZT, getting myself to the trail head (or w/i 3 miles…) and walking those 800 miles. I experienced a new body, leaner, stronger, confident. I reveled (ego) in the identity of that story: thru-hiker, easily identified in town by my pack and outfit.
Then there was the confusion of dropping back into Waunville. Where am I? What am I doing here? I went through and got excited about teaching English online at VIP, bravely put up Spanish-tutoring flyers. And then, the celebration of life, which left my body and mind reeling. The deck building, the SUV hunt. The new library. The AZT posts. Organizing, Not being in contact with Brad.
And leaving, Kansas, Steamboat, Utah, this Hurricane sejourn. I've gained perspective on how wide human emotions span, how grief affects the body physically, how love and the earth connect us all, Marianne Williamson, I'm moving in a direction I want to be moving towards, I want to leave behind feelings of scarcity, fear, worry, loneliness, the stories that don't serve me (and transform them). I want to allow and feel and BE. I want to surround myself in a loving community. I want to keep learning, experiencing, growing, and sharing. Playing. Keep it light. I love you! I'm proud of you! You learned to drive stick, too – that's huge! You're becoming every day. Opening your heart, following intuition, doing the best you can in the moment.
Weaving her past into your present, here's a writing prompt you might like to play with:
Write yourself (or tell yourself) a letter from the eyes of someone who is so proud of you, who encourages, who loves you deeply and fully. They have endless compassion for you; no judgement. Set a timer for 4 minutes. “Dear [Your Name],” Just keep the pen moving. See what happens.
Notice what sensations arise in your body as you're writing. Bonus: When the timer goes off, read your letter aloud to yourself. Soak it in. (What do you feel in your body?)
Rooting for you,
Rebecca
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