Hello dear one,

This second section of entries begins with a brief vocal message from me (« Click link and tap play.), sharing what arose as I compiled this journaling which I hadn't looked at in nearly 7 years.

After you've listened, here's some context for this season, the drive out west to Colorado:

- If you haven't read Part 1, start there. 

- Elereen is my SUV, purchased that August. 

- I'd applied for an AmeriCorps position at a park which I'm calling “Red Rocks,” which was slated to start October 21. I didn't know if I would be offered a spot, but I decided to gradually get myself out west, at a pace more my speed. If the internship didn't pan out, I could pivot.

- My rough plan when I left Wisconsin was to attend The Land Institute's “Prairie Festival” that upcoming weekend (my friend Eric from the conservation corps ACE was an intern there), then slowly head to Utah.

- Steamboat Springs, CO is the headquarters of a conservation corps (RMYC) I had assistant-crew-led for the summer and fall of 2018. We were a nomadic crew that summer, needing to find camping on BLM or National Forest land, so some of the places I car-camped at during this drive west were places I'd stayed the year prior with my crew. All the people I visited in Steamboat had been on my crew the summer prior. Familiar people, but not anyone I'd seen/talked with in the last year.

Sept. 26, 2019

I know, I know, is it really that bad? Do you really not want to remember these days? I left home on Tuesday, after postponing a day. I slept at a beautiful country park in Iowa, then yesterday slept at a lake in Kansas somewhere. I'm currently writing from Elereen in Eric's backyard.

Dear Cathleen,
I've been meaning to write you, but usually I keep it in my head–all my thoughts of you. I cried driving past Blue Mounds on my way out of town. I haven't written to your brother either, haven't spoken to Brad. I asked for his address over a month ago and he never responded. I haven't cared enough to ask for clarification as to if the text was forgotten or if he doesn't want me writing to him. And you, I'm sorry I wasn't there for your hardest days. I'm sorry I didn't drop by in December. Were you lonely? Was family the same or different? And Glenn? I'm not reaching out to him either, he's a stranger to me. Your partner. Are you with Hope? I hope you're with me too. I could use a companion. I want to tell you about my spirituality exploration and ask what you think about Marianne Williamson and love and miracles and self-identity and who you've been over the years. I'm in Salina KS this weekend to attend The Land Institute's Prairie Festival. Do you know about them? Probably. My first time in Kansas. I'm excited to learn but I feel a bit raw/exhausted emotionally. I don't know what's what anymore – is this b/c of leaving home? Not feeling grounded to a community? All the isolation I've felt? My grief? Not feeling close to any other people? Feeling alone? Here I am, going on about me, but you always listened so well and made me feel special. Did I make you feel special? 20-y-o me is not me today. I did the best I could at the time. I want to know all your thoughts on life and death and advice and what changed and how you felt and if it was too much to make a call. I have a beautiful voicemail from you from a year or so ago, and it's wonderful. Thank you. You are you and you tell me you love me. I want to meet/know more of your family. Sending you much love, always.

Love,
Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,
Thank you for writing. It's always a treat to hear from you. Write to my brother, he's very lonely now that mom and I have both left the earth. I miss Glenn, but you didn't choose to live with him. Brad should reach out after all the hunting. I'm sorry to hear you're not talking anymore–what happened? You probably outgrew him. Oh Salida! Soak up the land and the people and the tastes. Dance at the barn dance. Enjoy your healthy body and have fun! Seriously, not worth the sadness and worry – find joy and delight – I know you will. Oh honey, I thought of you but with all the chemo and family visits I just couldn't. And you were off exploring the west, I didn't want to drag you away or worry you or get you down. I wanted to suffer alone. And as you know, not being at work I wasn't emailing. I have to go to sleep for the night, but all the love I gave you is still there, hold it close, I gave it to you. You're so special. Keep learning and growing and loving fiercely. Write again soon

Love,
Cathleen, your friend always.

Monday, Sept. 30 2019

All right, I will try to start writing daily as my grieving process and for better health in general. Lots to process. I got to Salina on Thursday afternoon and hung out at the library until I heard from Eric. Drove to a park where I "made" pad thai dinner, got bananas from Dillons, then got to Eric's around 6:30 maybe. He was doing yoga with housemates Abbi and Megan. I jumped in and sweat and stretched. At the end I started tearing up (lots of crying this week – extra raw and lonely/alone). We had a cup of tea and then I went to bed, parking in the backyard via the alley – it was a great spot for car camping. I didn't sleep the best, and surprise felt like crying – and broke into tears often – that morning. 

I made breakfast and took a shower inside – there was a girl on the couch who was quiet and whose name I didn't hear right. Then around 11:30 I took off, getting to The Land Institute at noon, lunchtime. Eric showed me where to park, where the persimmon tree is, the labs, the greenhouse. I met lots of people at lunch, notably Sydney, Alex (4th roomie of Eric's), after lunch I helped interns Blaze and Konilo transplant silphium into new pots with Angela. Blaze spent 3 years living in Korea as a kid, and Konilo is from France. Just like that, shared threads between us.

There were chunks with little talking, but when we chatted I did enjoy getting to know new people. Then I hung around to help set up for their staff dinner, and it was during this time that I felt very in the way, sticking out like a sore thumb. So when that ended at 4, I made myself sparse, went to Elereen. But now there were clear signs for Prairie Fest attendees to park out in a field, and where I was parked had a sign that said “Staff/Speaker Parking.” 

After some time I asked the parking attendant guy if he wanted me to move and he was like – did someone ask you to move? He was a volunteer from a church, not TLI staff. I made my dinner around 7 and got to the barn at 8 for dancing. The lady announcing had to be very patient b/c those contra dances were tricky to many groups! I said it reminded me of card games where the rules are so confusing you don't want to play. There was a woman w/ ½ of her head shaved, ½ long hair, who got all the moves quickly and was often teaching everyone else. The last dance was fun – it was in a circle. You go left, right, center, back, then turn to your left and shake with your right hand whoever you're facing, then you go past that person and reach out your left hand to shake the next person, real fast, L, R, L, R, until you get to person #7. Then you dosie doe, etc. and repeat. 

So the dancing was fun, a nice mixer to meet some of the faces for the weekend, but it didn't end until 11 or something I think. I had trouble sleeping because I really had to pee so I got up and walked to porter potties around 1am. Then at 6 something staff started arriving and parking. It was cold and rainy. 

During the first break I went back to make sure I'd closed the sun roof–I hadn't. I also moved my car at that point down to the way bottom of the field by camping – b/c the staff lot had filled up and I felt unsettled being parked there – and then was late to next speaker too. 

Had vegan tacos for lunch with a Krenza crispie (vegan) and met four artists – two couples – from Kansas. One woman was from Europe, Mary K. Pink(y?)(er?) and teaches at a college 20 miles south of Salina. I think. They were lovely and interesting. The kind of people I want to be friends with. It also made me feel lonely – I saw many longterm couples over the weekend. I long for someone to share my thoughts with, a partner in life. 

Then were the plot tours after the research presentations. Konilo led our bus, blue tickets, 3:55. I sat next to a woman from New York – Naomi or something like it – who had made her district's science curriculum with her husband. They made it a story about a tree. Each grade explores a different element: water, air, etc. To incorporate the magnet unit, for example, they introduce magnetism in a bird's beak - for air. It was so inspiring to hear what she's created! 

It was great to see these actual crops –sylphium – in the plots. One stop was a pit where you could see the layers of soil and the length of roots. Speaking of, so that woman in NY had needed an image of roots for their soil unit, so she google image searched and found this 6-ft poster from The Land Institute of long roots. That's how she learned of TLI! And she said one year she'd go to Prairie Festival. This is that year. 

On the plot tour I met this guy who's some kind of ag grad student at UW Madison. He's from California and has been at Madison for 2 years. He started talking to me in Spanish and we ate dinner together w/ his friend Wally (just moved to Omaha, has same Decathlon bag as me). When I said I was grieving, Wally put his hand on my shoulder and I sensed some unnameable understanding. He said he was in a rollover accident 2 years ago and has done all sorts of therapy – physical and otherwise– since. Then he went to his car as I went to gallery/bathroom in the 15 min before 7:30 music. 

I fell asleep probably at 10 and didn't wake up until 8:10. I missed most of that morning's musical guest–which was a shame, the final day–but I'd needed the sleep. That night too, like many lately, took me into a heavy dream with a pinch of darkness, such that it feels like a lot to come out of/process when I wake up. I don't recall having this texture of dream before, and I wouldn't call it pleasant. Unpleasant, weighs you down when I wake up. 

I bought a sticker from the gift shop from Sydney. Then I drove to that nature area ½ mile down the road and walked the 3-mile trail. The movement and solitude were good for me. Then I went to the library and stayed until close at 6. I looked up free camping for my drive into Colorado. Then I went to Eric's. No one was home (I thought), so I ate inside and took a shower. Then Abbi got home, Megan emerged from an unsuccessful nap and played guitar (Rodrigo y Gabriela) while I wrote notes to Blaze, Sydney, and Konilo. Eric and Ann got back after I'd brushed my teeth. I chatted w/ Eric briefly (his sister had been in town over the weekend too) and then said goodnight and went out back to Elereen. I slept with the back open again. Bugs weren't bad, maybe b/c wind, but I was up and asleep and up. So I got moving at 8, wrote notes to Eric and the house, ate breakfast, left by 9, found post box to mail letters, got groceries, got gas, and off I went. 

Now I'm at the rest stop with overnight camping. It's 4:30 and I've been here for at least 2 hours. Saw a fleet (?) of monarchs in the pines, and dragonflies in the cornfield, which a kind man from New York w/ 2 dogs told me to check out. I texted Brad and we are talking. 1.5 months later. I have an address to write a letter. I could still cry at any moment. It's hard to interact with people and exhausting. 

I will continue to write here and sleep and rest and feed myself praise and encouragement. While driving to Kansas I'd often tell Elereen she was doing a great job, working so hard to get us there. Then I'd tell myself I'm doing a good job, too, bursting into tears upon stopping to notice how hard this has been and how hard I was trying just to drive some miles by myself. I can even just jot down 3 things I'm grateful for, but this is me committing in writing to write more often.

October 1, 2019 Tuesday

Look at me, two days in a row - great! I stayed at a rest stop last night with 1 night free camping. Super windy, but my bed was cozy. Much colder today, and rainy. I only drove for an hour or so, less than half tank. I've spent the day in Limon, CO. Went to Post Office first to see how big a resupply box is, which I'll be sending to Nate on his Hayduke hike, then went shopping for the box at the town grocery market. Small town! 2,000 population. 

The post office worker was friendly and taped up the box for me – I thought I'd have to buy a whole roll of tape. Then I went to the library which was oh so tiny. The librarian wrote the wifi password on a scrap paper for me. I looked up driving times to Buena Vista, Steamboat, and Vail. Hung out at Railroad Park all afternoon. Read, walked, stretched, little dog in teal sweater barked at me as I did yoga on the grass, I'm tired but it's only like 3pm and I also haven't "done" much today that would tire me out. Is body still recouping from weekend? Perhaps. 

Brad called this morning and left a VM. I'm eating the green beans I got yesterday and can hear the creek creek of the rusty old metal wind mills in this railroad park. It's been very quiet here, but I suppose kids are in school and it's a grey, cool day. I'd be warmer indoors but the library is so tiny I'd feel like a loiterer. High school football team here is the Badgers, and there's pro-football writing on all the shop windows in town. Culture… 

I'm reading "On Looking" and getting more into it. Chapters are just short enough. Any longer and I don't think I could do it. Then I'll try fiction next, I think, Secret Life of Bees. I feel lonely. It's a day I'd love to be at Em's house or watching Netflix with Dee. There is good in my future, ahead of me – I'm trying to remember that.

October 2, 2019 Wednesday

Look at me, writing 3 days in a row – good job! I slept warmly – from 9pm off and on to 6 or so. I wrote a letter to Elizabeth yesterday and mailed it from the rest stop in the morning. It was drizzly and foggy. Denver traffic was as I'd feared, but I did a good job staying in 1st or 2nd gear when we were at a standstill, to avoid breaking. And then, before I knew it, I was driving past Idaho Springs! Mt Evans! 

Elereen did very well – I learned 4th gear on the steep downhills will put me at ~55mph, but 5th goes past 65, so I kept it at 4th. Drove through The Tunnel again… Got gas in Silverthorne - $2.89? ($3.10 at Conoco) and ate lunch (tomatoes and avocado) at a bench overlooking the river. The air smells so lovely - warm sun on pines in crisp cool air. Then I wrote my monthly reflections post at the library, chatted w/ librarian who is going to Spain on Friday and called Dee using library's wifi. 

Now I'm sitting alongside the Blue River, in my RMYC chair. I egress - parked not far from another camper. I hope they're quiet and nice! :) It's cold if I'm not in the sun - I'd forgotten how chilly it gets here in the fall (and no doubt winter). I'm tired again in the afternoon. It's only 3pm or something. It feels too exhausting to paint or write or even read, like yesterday. But why? So I'm sitting here, listening to the rushing water, staring up at the pines, pondering everything.

October 3, 2019 Thursday

I held in a pee most of the night b/c I absolutely didn't want to go out in the cold. Yesterday I watched two dogs run around as I painted. One kept coming back with big bones in his mouth. I got out of my sleeping bag once the sun came over the mountains and let out a huge pee. Then I ate a banana and drove to Kremmling – got hot water from a gas station and poured it into oatmeal: my new trick! 

I stopped at the library when I got into Steamboat, and noticed it's a 2-hr parking zone there. Then I went to RMYC HQ right away, ripped the bandaid off. Rob and Ryan greeted me while I parked. When Ryan asked what I did after the thru-hike, I started crying when I said I was grieving. 

I started watching Grey's Anatomy in the library (it's Thursday!) and then saw I'd missed a call from Pio. He was out front so we chatted at a picnic table and then toured one another's vehicles. He's driving to Florida, driving to Pennsylvania, then likely back to Colorado for the winter season, being a "groomer" at the ski resort in Vail. Interesting that I'd looked at living in Vail for Habitat for Humanity… Who will I meet in Utah? 

Then I took a short walk just to walk (movement!) and finished Grey's in the library. Then I drove to this little pulloff overlooking the lake, which I had my doubts about but Pio said they've overnighted here many times no problem (if I'm even at the right one). Sun is down and I'm situated. I'm making a more intentional effort to look up. I chatted with the man parked next to me – he noticed my plates – but it wouldn't have happened if I'd rushed place to place. These are my tiny connections and socializing each day. I feel tired and not myself. Raw again, emotions on the surface. There's a ukulele event tomorrow afternoon at the library which looked great. This is week two on the road already! Now it's dark dark, 7:30, and I'll read and hit the hay. Mental grocery list: brownie Cliff, bananas, crackers. Handful of veggies? Research: somatic therapy

October 4, 2019 Friday

So I slept in that pullout last night. Never saw Pio, but that's okay. No one bothered me. I was parked quite on an incline, so I slept with my head on the other end. Woke up off and on all night. 

I stopped at the grocery store and then I visited the botanical gardens, cried at the reflection pond. Am I not getting as good of sleep as I thought? I feel untethered to anything and anyone, unknown by family and friends. I really try to look at each person I pass and acknowledge "You're a human, I see you." When I have the space/energy. 

This morning I chatted with the man parked next to me who is fishing today. He's been here 10 days, visiting from Littleton. The thing is logically I know I have it so good: friends here to see, supportive family at home. And it pains me to think about the pains of people feeling alone who truly have no one, or someone losing a spouse, child, etc. parent, sibling. So while feeling my pain, I'm trying to keep on top of mind that others are out in the world with much greater woes. Am I weak? 

The days to fill don't excite me – it's almost like, shoot, what am I going to do when I don't feel like painting / reading / writing projects, etc. Then I feel guilty b/c I know today is a gift and I have a healthy body and strong head and the world to explore, but I haven't been feeling the joy and it's scary. I was reflecting earlier that I think the best I felt this year was while hiking the AZT. So hope is not lost, I'm just in a strange place. I'm a little worried about seeing JC/Katy just b/c I feel like I need to come with a disclaimer: Warning, not in usual state, could cry at any moment. It was hard to come here. Smaller things are taking more effort – maybe that's why I'm feeling so drained? Why, why, why – and can I trust my perceptions? (once again, am I much better off than I feel? Am I worse than I'm letting on?) 

Tori texted today and I have yet to respond to "How are you?" I don't want to get into it, I don't want her to know I'm in “the west,” don't feel like I have the compassion/energy to ask genuinely how she's doing. How do you tread these waters? How to gracefully end a friendship? I want a community. Dear universe, please welcome me into a community of friends. My heart needs friends. (Or do I just need to process this grief? How to do that…)

Oct. 5, 2019 Saturday

I had a great visit with Katy last night. I knew when JC got home, they were going to watch a movie. Katy kept asking if I had what I needed for the night, and then she picked up Lion (cute little dog) and said she was going into the lodge for the movie, she could walk me to my car. Oh, I felt like I was gracefully being kicked out. And I crawled into my warm bed. Ten minutes later I heard a car pull in and two female voices talking: JC. I could have gotten out of bed and said hello, but I stayed. 

The next morning, I went in for a hot shower. Amazing. I started crying as I dressed in the bathroom, so I made it a quick goodbye. Then I bawled on the drive to town. Is this my new normal? Wake up, cry? I snagged an 8-hr parking spot at Tootsie Park, then started walking downtown. Spent a long time in this bookstore/cafe, treated myself to the newest memoir from Steve Jobs's daughter, and two used books: A Prayer for Owen Meanie and this children's fantasy book that I'm sure I had as a kid. Then Natural Grocer's. 

While walking towards the library, crossing a street, I saw none-other than James riding his bike towards me! We had a nice convo - I mostly listened as he shared his recent shroom experience and talked about "the rule of one" and lots of other things. When we were saying goodbye, he commented – “you know I lost my whole family” – he had a childhood and then one family member died. Two years later another died, two years later another, until everyone was gone. “You're not alone,” he said. I cried a lot in our exchange, but it was hopeful to see him so content and free. 

Now I'm at the library. Have I really been ignoring the pain, not facing it? I'm going to search grief activities/what helps grieving.

Oct. 6, 2019 Sunday

Yesterday I read "I Miss You When I Blink" until about 7pm – was waiting for a response from JC, so I brushed my teeth at the park bathroom and then texted her saying I'd park at their place for the night again, since she'd offered. I called when I got there and said hello, confirmed breakfast plans, then crawled into bed ~7:30. I read for at least an hour or two though. Then slept. Got up and peed on the asphalt in the parking lot again, that bright shining light on me, but I felt braver this being my second time doing it. I didn't sleep too well – kept reliving memories from last summer and fall. 

After breakfast with JC, I drove and parked at Little Toots. The library doesn't open until 10 on Sundays, so I read Blink in the back of my vehicle until 11 something, checked out another book from library, watched an episode of Queer Eye. Then finished that new book before closing. 

I only cried today while looking at the beautiful lake during dinner, thinking of Cathleen. I do have this need for closure. I didn't feel so desperately lonely though today, I think it was really good for me to see Steamboat friends these past few days. I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow and either depart or stay one more night – this is a clutch spot to park too, right after you enter Routt Forest and it overlooks Steamboat Lake. I'd forgotten about these mountains, the trees, the rocks, the views.

I wrote Penny a letter at the library yesterday. Mark texted last night to check on me, but I was in a crying state – I said if he called I'd just cry. I have to appreciate that I can be that open with him. Thankful for Mark, JC, Katy, Steamboat Library, Pio, bookshop, Elereen, money, sun, good weather, Queer Eye, RTR, Eric, Elizabeth, Penny. I do have people! Maybe I will call Brad in the am if I wake up early enough. Seb + Vanessa visited Dee in Pornic over the weekend.

Oct. 7, 2019 Monday

Last night the cops pulled in at, oh, idk, 7 or something, after I'd been trying to fall asleep. They went to the other car first w/ the couple. I didn't want them to come shining a light and knocking on my door so I got out of my sleeping bag, unlocked the car, put on flip flops and came out. He asked my name, but turns out they were just looking for two hikers who hadn't returned home yet. Then he wished me a good night and was off! Then I could sleep soundly. 

Today I got groceries, gas, then went to the library and had an email from ALEX FRANZEN telling me I was one of three winners from her Tiny Challenge back in August or whenever that was, and she's going to send me A BOX OF BOOKS! <3 <3 Then I went to ukulele from 11:30-1. There were just 3 of us today. She's such a good teacher/leader – on pitch, patient, great rhythm, etc. great voice. I can practice new strum patterns! I got free hot water from the library cafe, tipped him $1 and put in my own tea pouch, slick. 

I'm starting to feel more optimistic and capable of more, getting excited to work on a writing project and to create a handwritten zine. I chatted w/ Dee on the phone briefly at the library, And tomorrow I have an interview w/ NPS Red Rocks trail crew supervisor at 4:15pm! So I'm staying at least tonight, perhaps I'll drive to Meeker tomorrow just to start moving south (Thursday's HIGH is 31 in Steamboat, whereas today the high was 70.) NIghts are already cold so I have to get to Moab! 

It'll be great to have the second interview behind me. I stretched here tonight, but would like to do actual walking tomorrow. There are cute little chipmunks all around - sun is setting so I'll be inside soon. I'm on the hwy pull off overlooking the lake.

I'm proud of you and I love you, Rebecca! I love you too, Cathleen! <3 I copied that Mary Oliver poem into my art journal today, so I'll try to absorb her words.

Oct. 9, 2019 Wednesday

Yesterday I did yoga and walked at Yahara Park before getting gas and going to the library ~10 or 11. I wrote a thank you to Christel of the uke jam club, and then I wrote a letter to Brad (he left me another VM on Monday). I cried while writing it, so that all must have needed to get expressed too. 

At 4:10 I was in Elereen for the 4:15 interview with Jim. 4:15, no call. 4:16, 4:17. Then it's 4:20. Hmm, how long to wait before I call? I called at 4:26, the office first, then his mobile. The mobile said voicemail box was full. At 4:30 I pulled up my email and was thinking what to write. Then at 4:34 a call came in from UT and it was him – no mention of being late so I didn't bring it up.

He asked about safety – and I failed to mention "PPE" or concrete examples, but do recall saying "stickler for rules" and "something stupid happens…" Then he asked about rock work and rigging experience. I asked him about determining when an area is safe for work post-landslide, and if there'd be a base camp or anything at the park. 

It sounds like I will start browsing apartment prices and availability in a few days. I didn't get to share much about myself - personality and soft-skill wise… and I forgot to mention Grand Canyon work! I can't send a thank-you email today b/c I'm out of service. So we finished talking after 5.

I was tempted to go back to "the spot," but decided to start driving towards Meeker. Missed a gorgeous sunset driving, and didn't get to the Wildlife gate until dark. (After first passing it and turning around twice.) It was closed by a gate that I couldn't open. Then I got the smaller gate open, off-road, rugged – and tried driving in but Elereen stalled. So I reassessed, found out I COULD open the main gate, then drove in that way. Rutted dirt road (1-way) to the first info sign, another gate. The map showed one camping spot next to the info sign. Was that here? I drove back to the main entrance and then back in to first info board to get away from the road. Was parked on a slant and never got up to readjust, so hardly slept. (Didn't cook dinner either - very windy and dark) so I ate triscuits and tomatoes and a Clif bar. 

Groggy when I woke up, but off I went. Got gas in Meeker, gas in Fruita (cute little town with big circle near center, but couldn't find library), and here I am at the free campground near Rabbit's Valley / Trail Thru Time. I made last night's dinner (other half of polenta? No gnocchi with tomato sauce and last 3 cherry tomatoes then tried to nap. Weather is perfect. Sunny, breezy, windy, and laying in the back of Elereen with hood open is lovely. Couldn't sleep though, so I read another chapter of On Looking and now I'm writing. These rocky mountains, overlooks, or whatever you call them are beautiful. There's a tent and 3 vehicles in campsites around here, but I haven't seen any people yet. Hoping for a quiet, peaceful, restful night. 

What a turn of events to possibly rent an apartment now – maybe it's just the stability I need. I haven't had an apartment since 2017's ACE was giving us a housing stipend, which shows the disconnect between organizations in these sorts of things.

I'm proud of you, Rebecca! Enjoy this sun (I'm in shorts and flip flops, but not sweating and not cold, perfect at 3pm) and read! I'll start either Owen Meany or the Jobs memoir.

And we'll pause there for this segment.

Optional wonderings: What temperature and climate feels just right for your body? (And how do you know?) What does it feel like to soak in your favorite weather or scenery? (If it's not currently the season you prefer, you can absolutely embodied-imagine yourself in a place/temperature/environment that's just-right and nourishing. Even for just one minute. Or five intentional breaths. Mmm.)

Go well and rooted into your day.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca