Hello dear one,

To begin sharing the Root Living Journals, here are a smattering of entries from my personal journal the summer after my dear friend Cathleen died (in February). They come from the hands of a Rebecca who is 30 years old, and who had spent April and May hiking the Arizona Trail (“the walk/AZT”). [Those months are in separate journals though, perhaps I can dig them out for a later share.]

She is now living with her parents, another Inbetween season — tutoring Spanish to young kids twice a week, otherwise no job, community, etc - and with Grief. She was reading a book about Shadow Work that summer, often playing with the idea of taking on the qualities we deem undesirable in others.

I'll change a few names, but otherwise, you are peeking into actual journals. [I could say so much in response, but will only share: With my current somatic lens, it's fascinating/surprising to see how much I was describing as “Ego.” Love you, younger Rebecca!]

June 17, 2019

It's better than last Monday, but I still have a ways to go. Now I'm nervous about my 30 minutes with Kathy and Cole. I bet she's coming from a busy day and has lot on her mind, but my Ego wants her to like me. My ego wants her to feel excited about classes with me. My ego wants her to be impressed/content. My ego is worried I'll fumble with my words and not be smooth enough. Wisdom comes and says, ego - you're here, we see you, but you're not driving this car. I am.

Rebecca is a beautiful person with so much positivity and love to offer young learners. Plus she knows a ton about language learning/teaching. Do your best and that is enough. Do your best and we will be proud. No matter the mother's reactions or actions. We don't know that story and we can only control our own actions and energy. It's 5pm and I am READY. They won't come for another hour and a half though. I've been noticing it's hard for me to not think about an impending thing when it's in my near future. On the walk I had to be in the present, so here it's been easier for my thoughts to dwell on future. I don't like how it feels in my body. I also haven't revisited Cathleen since her life celebration. I want to share words with her family at some point – a nice reflection with another painting?

I'm sitting next to the noisiest candle ever – from June. It says "Shine bright" on the outside. I think it was such a "productive" day b/c mom tutored and dad's been at work since 10- so the house was quiet. I did some tarot, poetry, yoga, and now journaling. I started making an AZT bingo sheet this morning. It worked well to give myself 25-min on a task. That way I can focus and bounce around. I've felt so jumbled and overwhelmed this month - like nothing can be pending. I want to finish everything now but I can't do everything at once, obviously. And I'd struggle to pick something to start on. A week without poetry, without playing music, before I knew it.

So now I'm writing on strips of paper something I can work on for <25 minutes, ie 10 min poetry or brainstorm for AZT post. Then I can choose one to do, and when I finish, choose another. This still allows flexibility, yet provides a structure so I can focus on one thing. In the morning when I'm more alert, I'll work on a writing project. In the afternoons, I can paint, play, take a walk, etc., following my mood. It feels ungrounding to not have a set goal (ie out by August, van by x) but I need to trust in the process.

Maybe next week I can try Meetups–green witches and hiking. Una hora… I should be able to make good progress on my snail mail course in July. If I'm unavailable for other engagements between 6-noon. I have no classes booked for next week. I feel good about the green witch path, herbalism, exploring that type of spirituality, Paganism, etc. And creating more. I ordered monk's cloth yesterday online. I want to read a daily/nightly spell/poem to get my mindset in the right mood. Also, I know I need to leave Instagram!

How to share my work when it seems no one checks websites anymore? I can't believe I met the father of the founder of Keep Nature Wild in Arizona, crazy.

July 11, 2019

I want to peel back the layers and not be afraid of others' judgments or trying to control what they think. Because I have an idea of how certain acts will be received/viewed in certain contexts. I've gotten so good at adapting to cultures and new rules – but I feel free just hiking alone, without any of that shit to weigh me down. So, making some amends. First, Sam, I saw in you laziness, and felt like I had to help you do homework – it was exhausting to worry about and give that energy. I now know I didn't have to change you; I am lazy. I am a slacker. When I am sloppy with LNT or don't dig my cat holes deep enough. Being a slacker can be good, when effort is a waste on a project – like our work in the Tetons. I'm sorry I ghosted. You were one of the first I shed. I appreciated our friendship during its season – then it was time to create space for others.

July 18, 2019

Cathleen, what are my flaws? I'm doing more digging and really want your feedback. Okay, honey. Hmmm, this is hard. There's so much I like about you! Well, I guess you're hard on yourself, high expectations. But you're thoughtful, creative, a good writer, adventurous, open.

Sometimes I wonder if my flexibility is also a flaw, that I bend too easily to fit in with whatever society I'm living in. What's at my core? Who am I without anyone else? Or is identity only present when there are others to give you an identity? I love you, Cathleen. I miss you. I'm sorry. I'm sad I didn't get to say goodbye. I'm sad I didn't prepare something for your celebration. I'll create something in time – writing, poems, a song – and share it with your family. I haven't talked to Brad in over a month. It's okay, though, after meeting Sierra it changed how I saw him and I'm able to let go now. Everything changes. I'll make more friends, as the person shaped by you.

It doesn't have to amount to anything. The tiny moments amass as an invisible energy – bring love into the world and it grows. It's okay I haven't unearthed any huge new, original thing. I'm playing and exploring. Exploring curiosities is something I really enjoy – so that's how I want to spend my time. No, it's not an organized movement. But it's love and kindness. Encouragement. That's my gift to the world.

August 6? 7? It's Wednesday.

The days pass quickly. I am not writing this summer. Because they're not days/moments/feelings I want to remember? I wonder if my whole friendship with Cathleen was through a tainted lens in my eyes. Was I ever a good friend? Did I give her what she needed? Did my ego simply love the praise? Why do I have a million pressing things to ask her about her life/family/the universe. Brad emailed last night–after weeks of radio silence after the month and a half radio silence between Cathleen's celebration and his "signs of life" text. Okay, all the things I've been holding in my mind. 

I'd mentally cut off Brad after the dinner w/ Sierra and subsequent celebration - when I saw him through different eyes and was no longer afraid of letting go. So, no daily talking friend. No Cathleen. I'd already chosen to create distance from Victoria. Will this "outgrowing" of friends be a constant? Will I ever make friends who grow at the same rate I do?

Dee called today, and our convos don't make me feel connected–I get frustrated at the canyon between us and how hard it is to express my ideas and thoughts in French. But I don't want to have no one! It's not forever, Rebecca. You'll make new friends, you always do. And it'll be the now-you who meets them. You vibrate at a different frequency now, you know who you're seeking, what to look for in a community. I searched Asheville NC last night, could be a cool town to live in, there's a Whole Foods and an ACE. I could write a whole book about breaking up with friends or leaving people behind–but what have I learned? What info to share? Maybe poetry is better?

I'm antsy to find an SUV and fearful of not finding one. It still seems like so much $ (hello, money, I want to start a new loving relationship with you) and energy to put wheels in motion when I'm not at all certain / confident in my mechanical knowledge. Elizabeth's parents are in Iceland. I need to reach out to Leo. 

I realized although I spend lots of time alone in my room, I'm rarely alone in the house. Thus I've rarely actually sat with myself alone this summer. I'm currently lying in the grass in the backyard – mom's working in her workroom. I just want to be me, free. It's hard to be me in my parents' home around their energy. It just is. I've always adapted my manerisms and speech depending on who I'm around (and how much I feel them judging me). In public writing I think about who might read it and what they might think. So who am I without anyone? What words are my own? What does kid Rebecca say without thinking? I hate being equated/tied to written creations. Wondering what Nate thinks of that. A letter of his came in the mail this week. I still have that fear, like if I'm not cool enough and he doesn't want to be friends with me. Probably not the signs of the strongest, on inferiority complex, but I can't cut them all away. Elizabeth, who else is left?

I also realized it's been well over half a year that I haven't worked, just am. Over half a year of solitude, too. Nate's had a very social winter and summer – I couldn't be more opposite. I hate having to explain to people what social media is doing to their brains, wellness, society. I hate having to explain you can absolutely 100% opt-out. I don't have the articulateness of Marianne Williamson – who, by the way, the other week I had the thought I could drive to Iowa and campaign for her there. Feed off the energy. Take action towards something I believe strongly. Walk the walk.

It feels like it's been such a long time since I've worked towards a goal long-term. AZT dream + action happened in less than a year. Joining ACE happened within a week. Learning the trades would be a long-term goal and it feels scary. FOMO. What doors am I closing? Possible futures:

-Whole Foods PT employee
-gardening/farmer
-nursery
-Wicca/Pagan
-zine creator
-furniture maker / repairer
-Habitat for Humanity
-A life in France
-Buddhist 6 mo. retreat center
-Sturdy financial job at university
-Car mechanic
-Plumber
-USFS / State park job
-Maintenance worker
-EPIC internship / Traditional Trades Apprenticeship
-DIY maker
-HelpX traveler
-The Encouraging Times editor

I see how visualization can help achieve a goal, but I don't know what to aim for. So I do my usual see-what-happens and go from there. I'm planting seeds for tarot, intuition, need a manifesto, to feel good about my time spent being, to not feel lazy + compare. To see what I see in others in myself.

I don't know if my judgement/assessment of my current state is accurate/trustable – are things not as bad as I think? Are they much worse than I've realized?

I'm finally at a better place w/ Spanish classes—as in, not spending 2-3 hrs planning each one, but they're almost done. Will have a 30-min class with Mark next week – then perhaps we're done? Or one last one if Susan's available. Owen's dad brought him (w/ lil sister) on Monday, so he was less focused and wanted to tell me all about everything. I let him run the class (5 monkeys) b/c his dad wasn't listening - freedom! The classes have been helpful in pointing out the difference in how un-free I feel teaching in front of Lydia/Amy, super kind non-judgmental people, and alone with Owen. When we can just play and be silly and creative/imaginative. Owen tried to mirror me at the end of class, and it was fun and funny. He was so curious to see a cassette tape and wanted to know how you play it. I love his energy and curiosity!

I want to spread love, compassion, reflection, connecting w/ intuition, connecting with earth, thanking others, allowing space, being, slow, walking, nuance. Need to work on my boxes zine more, I want it to beautifully lay out my point of view that's developed over the past 30 years.

Aug. 15, 2019

WIND AT MY BACK

• Healthy body

• Strong heart

• Strong legs

• Curious mind

• Able to learn + self-educate

• Guitar, ukulele

• Warm shelter

• Full kitchen

• Mom happy to share car

• Plants on my desk

• Elizabeth

• Snail mail friends

• St. Vinny's in town

• Fresh mint in garden

• Trees in front + backyard

• Gorgeous library

• Bike + helmet

• Bookshelf

• Safe neighborhood to walk in

• Conservancy @ top of hill

• Conservancy by creek

• Laura

• Postal address

• Can explore past

Sept. 4, 2019 Wednesday

Last night I had a distressing dream … Then I read in bed–The Map of Enough + Paganism–until almost 11:30. Cut carpet to fit, after vacuuming out saw dust, and hot glue guned the edges while listening to Nicole + Julie's end-of-month reflections. Then I didn't know what to do with myself– could sew curtain or apply to Zion job or write – but decided to walk to library. And here I am, to write. I want some messages out and released, so I may continue on my journey. It's scary to not know anyone into what you want to learn – as in, I know not a single Pagan, but feel that is the community I'd like to be a part of at this point in life. I'm so enjoying Molly Caro May's memoir about self-identity and place. Her descriptions of the mountain make me ache to just be living among nature, outside of this suburb. I have the mobility to do so now, I realize. But I want to tie up all the loose ends, avoid buying things on the road that I have at home. Going to work on boxes zine now, in study room ~15h30. Finally, one thought I've told myself multiple times this summer is that idk if things are better than I think or worse than I think. I honestly don't know. I've lost the gauge of what "normal" feels like.

And that's a taste of where the Root Living journey began.

Next week, I'll share journals from the drive out west, fall of 2019.

For those of you craving a writing prompt, let's borrow from 2019-Rebecca: Write “Winds At My Back:” across the top of a page. Set a timer for five minutes. Move the pen. Make a list, or not. What are the 'winds’ supporting you in this moment? Let it take you wherever it takes you today.

Feeling into the edges of my body, taking a breath, here and now. May you go well and rooted into your day.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca