Hello dear ones,

This week we continue our journey, arriving at Black Mountain for a work exchange — after finishing a grey season at the Deep Dome Lake. [If you're newly joining, here are part 1, part 2, part 3, and part 4.]

Tues. Nov. 10, 2020
I've only been here a full 24 hours now, but time certainly slowed. New experiences (puja), new environment, new people. Because of all the quiet and space, it does feel more sacred. I hesitate to record a Polo. There was no doubt I would cancel Hulu when I saw “no streaming TV/music” in the likely outdated agreement form. Okay, done. This doesn't seem like the place to watch TV. Besides, when would I even do that? So much time to read and walk and write and think and be. 

My car makes me feel like I'm a hoarder. All the Things I won't touch, won't need to live a comfortable life (ie towel, kitchen stuff, clothes). I tried not to bring “much” into the dorms because I'll be moved to the staff house when my quarantine is up, but it feels like lots. Well, that's what happens when I travel by car with “everything.”

It's kind of been a relief to be able to eat in silence/disappear after meals, as I eat at the “quarantine” table and I get to sleep alone in a dorm building). To arrive and not be bombarded w/ Who Are You questions (though there were some), to not be begged (or even tempted) to stay up late, no drinking pressures. It's like my style is the norm! Have never been in this environment before. 

Nov. 12 2020

We caulked 9-1 today. I saw a board that could be screwed in to tighten the gap, but didn't take action because Willy had said to just let him know (and he would screw them in), but I can use a drill (just needed screws) and Kam was on my left. So if I went in confidently and just did it myself, I was afraid of dropping one or looking foolish in some way when I am confident/competent. So anyway I just caulked and realized later I'd been controlled by fear + thoughts of others.

I asked Luke if he would show me “butter lamps” after lunch break, my assigned afternoon hour task today. Around 2:50 I saw Luke at the back of the kitchen. Basically, he showed me the process, commented lots on how things should be cleaner back there, then said there was enough for an hour. He left me on my own ~3:30pm, and then I had doubts. 

Does he think my hour starts now? I was including the training… but I didn't want to ask because I don't want to SEEM stingy with hours, you know? 

Then Luke came in at 4:15 and told me to stop (not so directly though). I was just going to wash one bin and be done. After I did that, David came by and told me not to go over my scheduled hours, basically. (Yeah, I'm wrapping up, I said), and my ego of course didn't like getting “scolded” for doing too much. Don't want to get the over-worker label. Do want to do my fair share and do it well.

Nov. 13 2020

I want to write about how your surroundings affect your feelings so much – How the first 24 hours stretched into a week. The people, twice-daily puja–chanting and incense and Buddhas and cymbals and drumming–and rice and fresh garden meals, so flavorful. How is that the ocean? How easy it was to cancel Hulu, how my desire to watch TV is absolutely zero here. How the stillness further hugs me, the one who is so still. I haven't even listened to a podcast.

Contrast that to the feeling somewhere else – at work on trail, always fearful of Ivon's eyes and words. That daily dose of fear adds up. Now I'm trying to let my shoulders sink and to exhale deeply. I feel so far and distant from everyone at Deep Dome Lake, already in a new world. 

I see myself having to explain this new existence in Structure: They have morning puja from 7-8. We work from 9 to 1. We eat at 1 when the lunch bell rings, then after-lunch break, then the afternoon work hour starts around 3pm. Evening puja is 6-7. Etc. 

But the Structure leaves out all of the content. The redwood trees surrounding the campus, a view to the Ocean is a few minutes walk away. The fear subsiding. Being in a place where I'm Accepted. It's all new. Asking questions as they emerge. Dropping the fear/backpack weight of others’ opinions. To explain the quiet, and how being online or even chatting feels out of place. Not wrong or bad, just it's not the time for it. I want to know these people and ask and uncover and dig and know, and yet I'm trying to go slow, be patient, let it unfold as it does, and if it takes 10 years to learn where someone has lived, that's how long it will take. 

It's crazy to wrap my head around the fact that the whole time I was at Deep Dome Lake, the whole time, these people were here in their Peaceful Institute, wishing peace upon the world and its beings. This is the place and the time to develop/create/grow sacred mornings – an actual connection with Oneness, filling with light and wishing love + compassion for all those I know and don't know.

Nov. 17 2020

I've been intentionally asking things here: Do you have a mouse trap? Can I mail this myself? Are you going to the store – can you get Earth Balance if I give you cash? – because I know these people are so open and nonjudgmental, such a safe space to practice asking. 

A safe space to practice not caring about others’ work ethics / being watched. 

A place to learn to be watched while working and retrain the body to be at ease. Yes, we're still on this one, but oh the possibilities. Fighting fire was Deep Dome Lake, let's see what ease can do.

Nov. 18 2020

I've noticed several instances in the first week where something went wrong – ie the day Ever & Christina didn't light the butterlamps at lunch and this was discovered at dinnertime. It was okay. Luke went and lit them then. 

Or today during puja, Rinpoche snapped his fingers and Luke looked up and went to him, but Luke didn't know what he was forgetting, so Rinpoche said aloud to him during the ceremony, “the consecration,” and then Luke left to get whatever he was supposed to get and brought it to the front. 

I noticed how my body was bracing for repercussions in each instance. Is this okay? He can just break ceremony and say something to another person? So different from my Catholic mass upbringing. 

I will pray to be cleared/released/to let go of these old ways, I will no longer fear repercussions / how others react to my actions. I want to act and speak in alignment with my higher self, not as a defense mechanism out of fear. Is this the turning point for me? Has that been the trauma of my life and biology, because of that incident in 2nd grade? It could be. 

Nov. 21 2020

Ivon messaged yesterday about mini-picks. Was it strictly work? Does he wonder how I'm doing? We never had a 1-on-1 real talk, all season. And why, when I'm trying to shut out and move on (maybe that's the answer right there), does he message me out of the blue?

Anyway, we cleared in the forest today w/ loppers, hand saws, and weed up-er things, and while I was present, a part of me – the curious/builder/ego – wanted to be working on the yurt. With people where I would learn and soak up like a sponge. New and exciting. Building. But I have yet to totally internalize that my circumstances don't affect inner peace – I could find it anywhere if I practice enough. And to release control.

Fear still rules in some scenarios: I haven't yet asked Luke for more breakfast bread because I fear being a burden/hassle / making him do something. Tomorrow I move out of quarantine into the staff house. Has it already been a week since Christina moved there? Since Jemma arrived? Now I stay and change continues around me.

[Something pivotal happened around this time, after moving into the staff house, which didn't make it into my journals. I had a video call with one of my brothers that profoundly affected me. I won't share the conversation itself, as it belongs to someone else's story, but it brought family pain to the surface in a way I wasn't prepared for.

I remember closing the laptop after our call and bursting into tears. Deep, deep pain overwhelmed my body. I was frightened of the immensity that I was feeling–another new experience in my body. (Wtf is happening?) 

It prompted me to finally find a therapist, as I didn't know how to live like this. That video call later became a clear before/after moment for me. Afterward, my body changed in ways that were foreign.]

December 10, 2020
Hey journal, I know, I hardly write now that I'm in the staff house. I've been here a month. I slept better in the dorms, but do enjoy the kitchen and mostly communal living - the impromptu chats, laughs, and activities.

Today I received a 4-min Whatsapp voice message from Rinpoche's wife, Samantha. I saw the notification just before the lunch bell rang, and I felt a flash of fear overcome me: Is it not okay to do therapy on Tuesdays? Have I done something wrong? 

I felt uneasy, and knew that feeling would stay with me through lunch if I darted straight there. 

I noticed that feeling, and decided I will listen now, before going over to lunch. Whatever it is, now or later, it will be okay. I'm not afraid. (My heart was beating faster. My body was afraid.) 

I hit play. It was actually a lovely, supportive message. I could hardly take in the words, my body had been braced with the fear it had presupposed.

I've noticed I don't quite feel energized, that I'm tired by the evening. Have I been tired since post-AZT in 2019? When will my energy regain? How can I be surrounded by this much natural beauty and kindness, and still not feel great? Is it b/c I need to turn up gratitude? Where is the drain? Build in a daily connection w/ Source? Have more frequent deep conversations? Separate from my deep desire to be understood and known at a deeper level? How much is Cathleen grief, how much is family unease? Must I walk all day to feel alive and grateful? Those are ego/micro-looking questions. 

To the universe I will ask, please help me to be more loving. Please help me to turn to love as the first thought, not a flash of fear. I feel guilty that two weeks ago when Kam asked me if I wanted to make kombucha, that I didn't go searching for Jemma and invite her along. I knew she wanted to learn. Selfishly I wanted 1-on-1 time with Kam to have conversations I wanted to have. Ever joined us and we all had a great time. 

Tonight we're making kombucha at the request of Jemma, who doesn't know Ever and I already made it. This is silly, you see? If I'd been loving from the start, maybe I would feel at peace. Teach me to put ego aside and accept what will bring the best outcome for all. Please use me, to be of service in the name of love. Help me to see these situations differently. 

Today is Thursday. I start therapy for the first time on Tuesday. I'll give it three sessions to see if she's a fit for me. 

Kind of incredible that even in this non-judgmental space, I'm still afraid of being called out or not doing a task well enough. I like being around Kam because he praises me and I'm not afraid of him correcting me. I can't picture him yelling at me. 

Is my body simply tuned into the seasons and light, and we're tired when the sun sets? Are we resting from 6 months of intense physical work at Deep Dark Lake? I'm learning from Jemma how to ask questions and ask for my needs. She seems to have no fear of how she comes across / how she might be perceived. I'm still safe in that regard. I will be water and allow how I feel. I don't have energy to create right now, so I will listen to a podcast or read a book. 

I basically went to puja last night because I didn't want to choose what to do and spend the time doing it – a hint of summer ‘19 when I was overwhelmed with anxiety and had to pull strips of paper with 10- to 15-min tasks written on them. I'm having hints of that feeling here. Minutes are excruciating. I knew that if I went to puja, an hour of time would pass.

December 29, 2020
Last night while randomly cleaning my room, out of nowhere I began to sharpen my colored pencils. I hadn't been using them, and had no plans to use them – just got the inkling to do it, to do the begrudging task anyway. 

Then today during therapy, Helen asked if I happened to have any crayons or colored pencils nearby.

Yes, yes I did! I felt tingles on my arms as I pulled out the freshly sharpened colored pencils.

I did an exercise where I took two colors, one in each hand, and drew for a bit. The 50 mins went faster today and didn't get as emotionally deep - she wanted to pull apart what I was feeling during the xmas eve call and it didn't seem distinguishable to me. 

January 9, 2021
I'm tired today, didn't sleep great last night, and just got back from a deep dinner discussion about the state of America, its dividedness, truth, what is in freedom of speech, 9/11, and so on. It makes me cry to hear such fear and people really not knowing what to do, plus all of the “othering” of Trump supporters, non-maskers, anti-covid, etc. They're people too! 

We honestly need strong moral leadership. We need people to spread love and kindness as fiercely and confidently as those spreading fears and hate. We need to have conversations with all sorts of people, instead of writing people off as “conspiracy theorists.” etc. We need to see the energy involved in everything, and realize “facts” are interpretations of actions of parts - not the whole. I want to spread kindness, love, and peace. I want to teach others that we are One - not separate individuals. I will create zines and songs to spread those messages.

January 24, 2021
In watching the grief video today, I felt an aloneness/sadness that I've been grieving alone (Cathleen). I'm also scared for dad's health and don't know how to release control and let him do things that I think are slowly killing and poisoning him. I don't know which outcome will be best for all persons involved. I want what's best for all beings. But my mind has been crafting plans and letters that might spark a change. I'm grateful to have A Course in Miracles and other spiritual resources to turn to, to help me transform my thoughts and create miracles.

February 2, 2021
Today in therapy, Helen congratulated me on talking to mom in a new way, and in sending the letter to dad. (A few lines from letter-draft: “I wanted to walk across the bridge to reach out, but there's no bridge. We haven't built it yet. … I will keep doing work on my end – in therapy and spiritual realms – so that I'll be ready to build a bridge, if you want to.”)  I noticed I still get sad when thinking about my “low energy” – but I'm able to lovingly accept it, and like the idea of going on more hikes in February to build physical strength. 

Just before lunch I saw Nasim heading to the dining hall. He'd told me two nights earlier that he wanted to talk to me – alone – yet I hadn't seen him since, so a loop was now open. 

Had I said something offensive, like the day I made the president joke to him at lunch? 

Did I do something to someone else? 

So I asked, “Hey Nasim, do you want to close that loop?” 

Sure, he said, looking around for a place to sit. 

He seemed nervous. What could it be? He's so hard for me to read. 

He told me that last week had been a hard one for him. He'd been excited to connect with me about writing when he first arrived (and learned of my zine), then he felt a block of some sort, that he'd tried to connect and I wouldn't take it anywhere. I feel my eyes well up – because I'm raw, today was a therapy day, and this is exactly what I'd worried about. 

My new capacities are less than “before.” I must put my healing first, and that means I can't engage as much as I'd like to. I had no idea it had affected Nasim, I had been concerned about the newer Workaway volunteers who I hadn't been able to welcome warmly, but here he was saying I wasn't connecting enough with him. 

But, the Grief! The Pain! The Rawness! I'm dealing with so much! I'm sorry I don't have energy to build this friendship which frankly doesn't feel “safe” or fulfilling as others I'm building here. 

I didn't say these words, but the tears came and I let them. Here I can let people see me cry. I named the “rawness” and limited energetic capabilities I currently have, as well as the frustration I can't show up as I've been able to in the past. And for that I'm proud. 

Now it feels burdensome to look out for his connection needs – I need to fill my own first!

I still remember the sadness I felt that day, when I found out that putting my body's needs first had unknowingly caused someone else to feel hurt.

And, I'm so grateful to my past self for beginning to honor what my body needed. (I had no energy to do otherwise, really. The severity of my physical fatigue / energetic draining is what forced me to listen inwards—— though the pulls to soothe/comfort the energies around me by doing what I intuited they wanted, was very strong/present.)

There are so many people who need things I cannot give them (or so it seems). People who feel more at ease, at peace, if I would just xyz, for them (or so it appears).

And likewise, there are situations that bring uncomfortable sensations to my body, where my first thought may be: if this person would just do xyz, things would be better.

If he would just go for a walk each day, move his body, he would feel better.

If she would just stop watching the news, turn off the TV, she'll stop being programmed.

If they would realize the amount of energy, attention, and anger they direct at efg is actually growing efg!

Then a pause comes in. It comes quicker and quicker these days, redirecting old thoughts. I return to my body.

I can feel my feet on the floor.

I can feel my lungs being breathed.

I remember: I am not the director of this divine orchestra. I am not all-knowing. I do not have the full view. (It's not my duty to tend to all the pain/suffering I perceive in my spheres. In fact, that would surely burn anyone out.)

I remember it's in God's hands. I have faith. I trust the nudges. God is guiding and orchestrating for him. God is guiding and orchestrating for her. God is guiding and orchestrating for me.

I use others as mirrors, and put the focus back on what I am co-director of (with God/Divine/Great Mother): this miraculous human body, in this incarnation. What would feel good in my body? Where am I placing my attention? Where is God guiding my soul to serve?

And so, for anyone who might be deeply attuned or aware of the pain/suffering of others, may you rest in this blessing:

May this situation unfold for the good of all beings.

May you remind me what is mine, and what is in your Divine hands.

Help me remember there is a much larger picture, more complex and beautifully entangled than I can imagine.

Help me trust my joys and delights.

Help me rest in quiet space with you, such that I can hear your guidance more clearly.

Thank you for your orchestration.
Thank you for you guidance.
Thank you for your blessings.

Blessed be.

Go well into your week, sensing for the support and guidance around you.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca