Hello dear ones,

This week's journal entries begin on the journey from Black Mountain to the Desert, where 2021-Rebecca is soon to begin a summer job in maintenance.

May there be a Right-Timing nugget in here for you today.

Taking a breath, here and now, as the chime rings outside my bedroom window.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca

[If you're newly joining, this is part 7 of an ongoing journey. Here are part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6.]

April 21, 2021
It's 5:15pm and I fear if I don't start moving the pen now, I'll be too exhausted now (feel drained already). It's windy. I'm on a lakeshore (Walker?) in Nevada, just off the highway. There are about 10 campers spread out down here - I was grateful to find a spot. 

This morning at Black Mountain I'd woken up in “go mode” and started packing up without thinking about all the fears and goodbyes, etc. Samantha said goodbye and gave me a gift from Rinpoche. I was finally ready ~8:10, so I thought to wait for the men to leave puja, because I hadn't said goodbye to Luke yet. 

Loading up I saw Luke, said goodbye to him and to David, waved at Samantha across the way… but no Kam. I almost walked into the shrine room, but had high feelings and already had said goodbye to him last night and again before puja early this morning. I badly wanted to see him one last time, tears brimming, but was concerned what onlookers would think. My car is all packed, I've said goodbyes, time to drive away.

I've been reflecting today on how attached, or how deeply I felt care for Alex after just a month of training two years ago, and Kevin after that summer working together, and Lee—again after a month. And Kam. The times when I gave up my time to do whatever with them (ie watching shitty movies w/ Lee) can be a slippery slope. It's like their presence gives me energy (for Kam, very true), and I want as much as I can get. 

Is that just evolution's pull? It's strong! Cait talked about attachment styles in Sunday's podcast – I'm curious to learn about them and what mine might be. 

I've also been trying to wrap a storyline/name to this deep sensing/rawness. I was tearing up and using all my courage this morning just to ask the gas station attendant to help me. The thing is, my body knows that didn't used to be the case. I felt so shaky. 

I also realized on the drive that two years ago, I spent my birthday in the Desert while hiking the AZT – hello symmetry! That will be great reflection.

Sarah and Jeremiah were surely signs that the Desert is right and holds magic. It's just felt hard to zoom out and see the big picture – it takes so much energy being present and feeling all the things that arise in a given day. I think I'm just fearful of another Deep Dome Lake, where I dreaded going to work by the end. 

Maybe I've been deep sensing this whole time but didn't realize. When I was sharing that how I perceive experience has completely changed, Sarah said, “That sounds exciting!” But it doesn't feel exciting. It's scary and makes me fearful. 

Is it the biggest shift yet? Change my country, I'm okay. Change my language, okay. Change my profession, okay. 

But change the way my body perceives reality and responds? That's the ground falling out!

Thank god Havi's writing exists. And Ever, omg, a million gratitudes to Ever, so I know I'm not alone. I will keep going slow and steady, sharing love when I feel safe, and being kind to myself always.

18h Walked to lake and back - another pondering I had today was how much strength does familiarity with a place give someone? Sure, I was raw summer of 2019, but I knew the streets of Waunville. Did the intensity of the trip west have to do with the fact that I didn't know anyone or any place?

April 22, 2021

16h, I just returned from walking down the dirt road where I'm camping, and got followed back (and gently jumped and paw-printed on) by Bonkers, a very cute little dog (choc lab?). 

He came back over to my campsite without his people knowing, so I brought him back. A MILLION SPARKLE POINTS to me for announcing myself to them, when no one came after the first time I said “Here's Bonkers.” So I had to speak up and be loud again. 

And no joke as I'm writing he JUST walked by again but I'm ignoring him. Staying seated, while he wanders around. He just lied down behind me. Now he's walking home, no, he's here. Even this small situation makes me very uneasy: What am I supposed to do? Bring him back each time? Let him stay here? Wear a mask if I take him back? The parents didn't really talk to me. Can't everyone be kids? I want that freedom to say my mind to anyone, without being scared or intimidated. 

I was also wondering on my walk if I perhaps have more stress than I think? Signifiers being the tight jaw and night guard and tight shoulders. Like if even in my calm “lifestyle” I've created (choosing to work outdoors, just half the year), the small things create stress as much as someone who gets angry? Just a theory, I'm not tied to it.

Being next to this family is reminding me of that mother with the kids in Death Valley in 2018, who shouted at them all the time and made them wash their hands all the time. I cried because her words were so harmful, I felt so helpless, afraid to say something to her. I'm hoping and praying that these parents are kind to their son and daughter. 

Also, today is Earth Day so here's some space to thank the Earth and her abundant gifts. The view here makes my heart very happy. I'm remembering those wide skies at the Red Rocks.

April 25, 2021
3rd day in Desert, 1 day til work (Sunday)

Well, it came and went and I didn't even sit down to write (yet) - but a bday reflection can span more than a day, which is why I chose to forego last night and wind down w/ a movie and dinner in bed. Fish fillets & fries (w/ chipotle mayo & ketchup) and a piece of vegan chocolate cake from Whole Foods. 

I only watched half the movie (1 hr) then knew I needed to start winding down without screens ~7:30pm (Good job!) I didn't sleep great, had strange dreams and checked the time @ 2am, 4am, but stayed awake when my 5:25 alarm went off, albeit in bed. 

We'll recap yesterday first. I was unpacking in the morning, feeling okay, was listening to a voice message from Ever when Grandpa called. Mom was with him and I got to talk with her for a bit. It really was okay, the call and content, and I knew to keep it short, watching energy levels (and was folding laundry - last to-do before town). When I hung up, my body started to cry and felt so sad – and it was one of those I really couldn't say why or what was happening. I just suddenly felt raw and sad. 

At 10:40 I left home to gift Elereen an oil change, after she did all that great driving for me. The wait was an hour and 15 minutes, but I stayed and just turned off the car. I had books and my poetry notebook and also called Mark (he'd called when Mom called earlier). 

During the call, like when he asked me about therapy, my throat tightened and I started to cry. Again, I couldn't say exactly why. It changes so much moment to moment.

I earned mega sparklepoints for leaving the car in line to go pee in a neighboring gas station where I hadn't bought anything, for doing the oil change, and for asking Qs. The mechanic, Jack, was so patient and thorough.

I've also been noticing that I'm experiencing hints of the panic/anxiety of spending time – like a little at Black Mountain when I'd just go to puja and a slight version of summer 2019 when I made slips of paper. So yesterday I made notecards with options, such that when it feels strongly again, I can just draw a card and do what it says. 

I keep wanting answers, an explanation (What is this? Still grief, 2+ years on? Grief + becoming a highly sensitive person? Grief + result of my environments over past 2 years, solo or secluded? Depression? Brain things? Just life?) I think dropping this need to contextualize (though words are necessary to talk/write about it, and I want to communicate to my people!) would be helpful and restore energy. I will continue to notice, to feel in the moment, to practice not judging any sensations/feelings, pendulating, making art, exploring spirituality in the ways that feel right to me, validating my experiences, sharing light and love when I have capacity, thanking others, ceremony-ing, writing songs, etc. 

Something else I've learned is: I feel very safe at a place w/ sunlight, desk, kitchen, no roommates. Let this be known for post-summer job. 

And I pray that Marshall (moving in May 15) is a kind soul. Well, all souls are kind. He'll teach me something I need to learn, I'm sure. 

Another thing I want to document is that things have felt SO INTENSE these days. Like, I can flip back a few pages to April 10, read the entry and remember the intensity of it all, the depths of sadness. And again, I wonder: Are there things I can do + supplements to take such that the feelings each day aren't so extreme? Or is this my baseline now, how my body experiences the world, so my priority needs to be learning how to be in society and with others while my body experiences and processes in this deep way. It's probably not as clear-cut either/or, but it's top of mind.

So, to honor 32 years on this earth, I write myself a letter:

“… My hope for you this 33rd year is that you learn to love & accept this deep-sensing self. She is sacred and she belongs in this world. May you continue to heal wounds through making art, ceremony, being with discomfort, breathing, therapy, freewriting, walking, sharing creations, listening to Earth & intuition, drinking tea, seeing through a lens of love, staying safe, and being a snail.

May you see Earth's blessings each day, and feel surrounded by love and connection w/ all. May you release the need to be seen as you want to be seen. May pendulation and Feldenkrais help your body to know our life is rarely in danger. May you see the light and teachings in those around you. And have fun! Enjoy! BE light ~ in both senses of the word. Love and silly! I love you hun’”

April 26, 2021
I woke up at midnight thinking it was morning. Then again, and finally ~4:40 so I just started the day. I did A Course in Miracles (ACIM) and reminded myself the that God's will is that I be at peace, and enjoy his will is true. 

I actually didn't feel nervous – more like these are the steps I need to take, driving, driving, now we're meeting Jane, now we're meeting Bill, etc. Looking back, it was so much more relaxed than Deep Dome Lake. No radios, no Ivon, no med kits. Less responsibility, it seems. Just jumping in to help full-timers w/ grunt work (?) 

So far I'm seeing helpful, good attitudes. I tried to stay present throughout the day. Could feel my patience waning when the guys were talking about comedy movies in the afternoon (Scout–my sole maintenance co-seasonal–kind of reminds me of Cody, that “omg that's hilarious” 25-y-o bro-ish.) I know that's categorizing, I just sometimes feel invisible in these spaces, but I'm kind of like a wonderful secret. They don't know my age, my past. They only wanted to talk about trail work, trail work, trail work. I don't really give a crap about trail work. Maybe I'm just tired. 

April 27, 2021
Today was the 7am safety meeting. Don, our electrician–and #2 on hierarchy after Bill–presented on complacency. He had lots of great real-life examples. 

We (maintenance and trails seasonals) finished raking leaves at Crater, then drove to Pinyon and raked pine needles/leaves here. Dee (energetic trails seasonal) was talking to me in back of the historic cabin and flat-out asked how old I was. 

When I told him, he said he didn't believe me and wanted to see my ID. I said my birthday was days ago. The mood feels different when people know (also learned today, Jane is soon-to-be-33). 

A lot of talking. I tried to stay true. A lot of explaining: why vegan, why sober, why maintenance, etc. John (trails seasonal) is more my energy level, but reminds me of Tim and even though on the surface we like tea, reading, making things, my body is very aware that I'm getting a Tim vibe from him. John showed me his drawings today, and they're INCREDIBLE. People are incredible.

Sunday, May 2
I'm feeling good and didn't cry this week. Part of me wonders how much is the rhodiola boost, part of me wonders how much it's thanks to having this quiet, neat space to myself (my home!). I wonder how much the clutter at Black Mountain affected how I felt, and how much my future housemates’ energy will change the place. 

Grateful for the space in my room. A desk! A desk to write and draw and make things! Floor space to stretch and breathe and Feldenkrais! A bathroom to pee whenever I like! A backyard to sit and observe! Grateful for this space. 

May 3, 2021
It's been harder to write during the work week. On Monday, Scout asked a lot - to converse all day and I said a lot more than I'd planned to. At one point he said he can't be around people who are crying, and I had to say something. 

It wasn't eloquent, but it conveyed the message that it's possible you will see me cry this summer, and it's okay. 

It feels SO STRANGE to be chatting with these mid-20s boys. They have such strong opinions. (How? How are they soo confident? Was I like this at this age?) About forms. Music. TV. Movies. Hanging out with friends. (Do we remember when we used to do that?) I don't miss any of it, it just feels hard to share how I spend my time and what I like to do. Explore the inner workings of our soul? Hah. Maybe that'll be my new answer! I'm a student of Very Interior Design.

I got my Reclaiming CD over the weekend and have been listening to the chants while driving. 

May 5, 2021
Recently I've been noticing that I want so badly to have a story for what's been happening. Was it just a raw winter with therapy & Story Mammaling, and now I'm regaining energy? Am I a Deeply Sensitive person now for the rest of time, and this winter is when it emerged to stay? Will my capacity just keep fluctuating as time goes on? 

I want to know so I can inform people. Say I tell people I meet – like Scout at work this week - that the crying just happens. And then it doesn't? Or have I only had capacity for all the getting-to-know -you Qs these last two weeks because of the Rhodiola supplement I'm taking for the transition? What happens when that stops? I just want to know what I can expect from my body (not even asking for a why here, I've dropped that from my concern) so I can learn how to better be me in this town, job, society, world.

May 7, 2021
I'm freewriting to find some ideas I want to share in zines this summer. … Recording the current transition and how there's no storyline yet, we don't know what it'll mean when zoomed out, so how do we be here and experience moment by moment as is? By not judging any experience, simply trying to notice what it feels like in my body. I could write about end-of-life stats and how what we give importance/attention on a single day shapes our lives. It's all about intention. …

Like yesterday, when Kai (maintenance) told us he only has four facial expressions and his voice doesn't have much range in intonation, but it doesn't mean he's not interested, don't be afraid to ask him anything.

That was gold! He was basically my last block to melt (other than Bill, who still feels so formal… also supervisor), as we hadn't yet spent much time working together and he didn't say much.

I don't know what led him to say that in that particular moment, but my body exhaled so deeply. Oh good, I can be myself. It all feels so intense – like, you would think I'd feel more relaxed and free. My shoulder still flares (this week when someone honked behind me) and I noticed it, which is a celebration in itself.

May 19, 2021
I'm exhausted (5:30am - 5:30pm day) but need to write some of this before I eat dinner. We finished painting and shined the visitor's center (bronze) letters today. After lunch, Kai took us out to petroglyphs outside of the park boundary and told us lots about Hopi culture/perspective, and his personal life and views. He's only 38! 

I envy/admire his masculine confidence - that he talked about heart and spirit and talking to the sun each morning and night, that he hates social media, etc, and he said it with such conviction. Scout seemed interested and took it well. When I picture telling Scout about ACIM, for example, I think I'd have to make it palatable or not share it.

Kai said he wished he could put intuition/inner compass directions into a pill and sell that, but it's not so easy. He's one of the people where I get drawn into the energy and it seems Strong, grounded, safe, unwavering. Protected. A little flavor of Lee in there, plus Kam's wisdom/enlightenment. 

He talked of hunting, that often he takes nothing. Only when the animal tells him to take it, or when he sees a cocked horn / deformed animal, to get those genes out. It makes me wish I'd been born into a spiritual life that I resonate with… because if the religion didn't do it, am I appropriating what I'm drawn to? It's not my culture… Shamanism… Paganism… Celtic… Hopi… Navajo…

Kai's energy helped me zoom out. To see the importance of spiritual work and passing on knowledge, following spirit. Reaffirmed my spiritual devotion. Importance of a routine. I can solidify a morning & pm, and try a Sunday ceremony/meditation.

I will keep reading Lynn Andrews books and look for Hopi & Navajo literature too.

This is my 2nd night eating dinner outside. I like it, being with the wind and sun and trees. I don't have a complete picture. When I only have a little part, spirit will guide the way.

May 21, 2021
A quick story from yesterday: We were at the tar pot, getting instructed by the machine rental company rep, and our whole department was there: Bill (supervisor), Don (#2), Kee (crew lead), Kai, Ricky, me, Scout, plus all the trails folks. Ricky had just asked me to get eye pro, gloves, etc. from his truck, so I rushed there and grabbed them. 

As we were being shown the piece of equipment, I looked around and noticed everyone had on eye pro – supervisor, crew leads, trail crew, everyone…  except for Scout. I walked over discreetly and shook my eye pro with my fingers.

“What?” he said, sounds of the loud machine drowning out our sound.

“You want eye pro?” I asked.

“Ughhh really??” he groaned, “But we're not doing anything!”

I froze, not expecting this response.

“Ughhhhhhhh fiiiiiine,” he groaned, as he turned around reluctantly to his eye pro resting on a nearby truck hood.

I could feel all the familiar feelings – being the enforcer, the rule follower, the mother. If Bill the supervisor would have told him that, he would have hopped to it.

My intention was to protect his eyes, and to help him avoid that embarrassment by telling him before a supervisor/crew lead noticed. But once again, now I'm the by-the-books mother, afraid of getting in trouble, trying to follow the rules. Fuck that. I wasn't telling him what to do, just reminding in case he'd forgotten. Sometimes I forget to switch my glasses and I appreciate it when people tell me so.

After the training, we had a break. There was an opportunity when no one else was around. 

I said to Scout, “Hey, I want to revisit something quick and close a loop. When I said about the eye pro, I wasn't telling you what to do. I just noticed and thought I'd say something.”

“Oh yeah,” he said, “I wasn't grumbly at you, I was just having an internal debate whether or not to get them, that's all… I didn't think you were telling me.” 

Oh! That changes everything.

And yet, they tell us over and over, if you see something, say it, no matter their rank. If you see something unsafe, say something.

Yet my experience is that when I say something, people groan and push back and think I'm uncool and too rules-y. 

Is it because I'm woman? Yes, I think this comes into play.

If Kai had told him to put them on, he'd put them on. Power? Confidence? Too friendly / not wanting to offend? Could be.

And also, I'm proud that I followed up. This is a pattern I've been actively practicing since summer 2018 when I crew led with Kevin. Then I had to build up so much courage each time. Now, it feels more natural. When something doesn't sit right with me, I find/or make the soonest opportunity to close the loop and ask for clarification. 

When you said ~, what did you mean? 

Let them expand, listen, then share and close the loop. This has always widened my perspective, and brought to light things I hadn't known before. It teaches me again and again, reinforcing the truth that my knowing and perception is a sliver of truth.

My body adds familiar stories to situations, like the story of an obnoxious rule enforcer, when in his reality, he was feeling lazy and debating himself putting them on when he'd let out the vocal combat.

Here's another one:
Last week Kai asked Lynn something, and in her context it was a final straw on months and months of a really hard job being an interp ranger at the visitor's center during covid. 

Her voice started to crack as she shared the stresses and pressures she's been holding all these weeks, not seen/understood by superiors and other staff, how hard the public has been. She started crying.

Later that day while we were painting, I heard Kai say to someone else that he'd made Lynn cry - that she takes her job too seriously, too much stress, needs to lighten up.

On the drive to work Wednesday, Ricky expressed similar thoughts: “Lynn was crying, I mean…” he said. It seemed to me like he wasn't accepting, that he saw her as weak/less than for expressing that emotion.

I didn't know how to phrase the question, to dig into that. What came out of my mouth in the moment was “What do you think of crying?”

Ricky said as a child, he'd cry a lot if he got hurt. 

“How did people around you react, did they allow it?”

“The other kids made fun of me,” he said, “and my mom…”

He was taught that boys shouldn't cry, he shared, but he believes it's natural and human. 

I shared that I get frustrated by the single verb for thousands of situations/reasons for crying, and that I had cried often all winter and spring. He said it was okay if I cried and he would be supportive, he didn't think less of me.

May 21, 2021
I just received an email response from Matt. (I'd sent him a birthday card in January, and haven't heard from him since, so emailed a vocal message the other week.) 

He is well and alive. He got married a few weeks ago. He doesn't want me to call or email, his wife would be uncomfortable with that. 

My throat got tight and I began to cry. 

I'd been telling myself the story that at least whatever happened, I had his back and he had mine. I had a deep well of love for him as a human, as the connection we'd shared younger I'd felt with no one else. He's been in my life for over sixteen years. Now suddenly he's married? He doesn't want contact in any form? And all I get is this three-sentence email? 

I'm about to ceremony to release and honor our relationship. 

There is something to learn from releasing Brad and Matt today. (What timing! Brad married Sierra yesterday; our friendship has been shifting for the last 1-2 years). They were the only consistent friends over the last decade (Matt from age 16).

Endings bring beginnings. And releasing my reliance on them for love and support allows me to turn to everlasting/stronger forces: relying on Mother Earth, the elements, the helping spirits, my inner light, web of life, love, Great Spirit. I will watch for clues and ‘signs.’

May 22, 2021
Sixteen years, and I can release. Though it was only a year and a half ago we were texting at Red Rocks. When did you meet your wife? I don't feel actively intimate, I just held you in a tender spot because of our teenage love and early 20s love and cross-continental love. 

I thank you for that love and support. I respect your boundaries to honor you and our shared past, to hold us in high regard. I break our tie and release you. I watch the building crumble, and see its base was built on an insecure teen's desire to belong.

She wanted you to be her chosen family, your family to be hers. She saw your light and wanted you to keep shining brightly. 

The tower was built on lies and contortion. In taking it down, they're now both free to be their true form, vibrate at highest frequency for themselves, rippling out to those around them. 

She can exhale, because he's safe and loved. Her love for him can extend out to the full web of life. And she can build a sturdy base, founded in Truth. No wants or lacks here. 

Sixteen years wasn't nothing, but time is a human illusion. When the light shines on the rubble, she sees a miracle. She can lean on the sturdy earth, build with its fertility, creativity, and love. She's reminded of impermanence. The gift of space, of doors opening. 

She gave away too much power, did what she thought he wanted, just to be held safe in those arms, in that intoxicating energy. His wounds were gardens she could weed and from them grow beautiful things.

Her gardens pushed him further underground. Took years for her to see it. She stopped gardening and let nature do her thing. Nature had her follow the sun, making her a bird who migrates seasonally. And he thrived in the rain. 

Nature wants us to untwine, to cut that last thread of support. Apart we'll be stronger. Separate we'll be more nurtured. Deeply and fully. Sometimes it doesn't make sense in the mind, and the heart wants to hold on, to have a shared history, but the soul can't grow on illusions.

She does what's best for all.

I cannot see the whole picture, I'm too zoomed in. But if I've learned anything, it's to trust this is a stroke in a beautiful painting, even though it feels painful today.

This is a necessary trim, a closing of loops, a pruning so fruit can grow elsewhere, a rebuilding of a stronger base.

Kam says to spread wings and feel the wind. Let go of the branch. Feel that what I perceive as nothing, air – invisible – can hold me up and lift me as I FLY!

Wow. There's a bird metaphor.