Other Kinds of Intimacy is a newsletter about love and relationships at their most expansive by Juliana Feliciano Reyes.

Debuting a new feature today, the Other Kinds of Intimacy Questionnaire. She cute. First up is Elizabeth Kubey, who also goes by QB.

I met QB through our friend Beth, who called her “the mayor of friendship.”

Some of her mayoral duties: When Beth was pregnant and eager to meet other moms, QB went searching for mom friends for her. She texts friends on other friends’ birthdays to remind them, Beth tells me. And just recently, QB cleaned up a kid-size car she found on the sidewalk, put stickers on it, and brought it over for Beth’s toddler. The mayor of friendship provides!

QB’s getting her MFA in design at UC Davis. Some of her intimacy practices include: organizing elaborate parties designed around esoteric food items, drawing friend trees to explain how she knows everyone (like the L Word but platonic), and touching guys’ arms.

Last party you attended or threw?

To celebrate whenever I make a meal that requires washing more than one dish, I call it “Cafe QB.” I am by no means an influencer, but somehow a company slid into my DMs and sent me 48 ginger turmeric wellness shots with no strings attached.

I wanted to see friends and celebrate the first weekend of spring, so I hosted “Cafe QB: Yellow”. To really play into the theme, I made a yellow spread with a breakfast taco bar and sweet treats. I also tested and prepped sunprint anthotype paper with turmeric ahead of time. Everyone was brave and tried a shot, except the two-year-old in attendance.

A lot of my parties center on food, especially because I don't care much for alcohol – latke party, sauerkraut party, cats & crepes party, passing out Fun Dip packets, even to the band, at 'The Dip' concert.

Last time you made a new friend? How?

The first Saturday in April, I was at the park with a couple of friends. We were fourth in line waiting for a tennis court to open up. In that time, a young woman with a tennis bag walked up to us and asked us a question. We started talking, she seemed nice and I mentioned a friend’s tennis tournament coming up.

I texted the tournament organizer, and she asked if the new person passed the vibe check. She did. A few weeks later, Yadi had become my newest friend and then I won our singles at the tournament. So she wants a rematch.

Are you a flirt? What’s one of your moves?

I am outgoing and nice to anyone I meet. The times that I’m brave enough to flirt intentionally, the guy turns out to be taken. I do have a pretty good texting game.

However, a relative gave me advice from the 1800s — “be sure to touch his arm.” I do try to touch guys’ arms.

When things are going too slow for me, weeks into “dating,” I use a line my friend Kat taught me, “Can I have a goodnight kiss?” It has worked every time.

Do you voice memo? Who and how?

Occasionally. They can be fun, but I much prefer a phone call if we can both be free soon to talk. If a friend I don't talk to often asks “how are you?” a voice memo makes it easier to give an actual answer without sending paragraphs of text. I am, however, a big fan of voice-to-text.

My dear friend Kelsey absolutely loves voice notes. She thinks of them like little podcast episodes. If she sends one that is over a minute long, I listen at 1.5x speed.

You really have to learn your friends' communication styles and adjust where you can. Voice memos are also good when something might get lost in translation over text. I always point to the Key & Peele - Text Message Confusion."

Do you let anyone have your location? How do you feel about location sharing?

I only share my location temporarily to give an accurate ETA when traveling more than an hour, or when someone is trying to meet up with me on the go.

Four years ago, a coworker who lives in a different city shared her location with me when we met up for a hike one time. She never turned it off. I haven't told her because I think it's so funny whenever she pops up on my maps.

I have, however, shared my Google Calendar with friends before. In both cases, a quick call or text gets you the same and better information.

Do you stay in touch? How?

Yes. I'll even text someone, months or years after we last talked, if I see something that reminds me of them.

I'll also randomly call close friends when I'm out for a walk. If they don't pick up, I text “just calling for fun!” My mom, sister, and I end up on three-way calls often from randomly calling each other.

It can be hard to make friends, took me a few years in Sacramento. But once you meet someone you vibe with, it can open up a whole world of friendships.

I plan a lot of hangs with friends, but unplanned ones are extra fun. My friend Eliud is a big fan of “Kramering” from Seinfeld. One time he showed up at my door completely unannounced needing to charge his phone and water after a basketball game. Every time it somehow works out.

When I run errands, I often text nearby friends to see if they're up for a quick hello.

My friends Kat and Ryan are in their first year of parenting, so planned hangs can be hard — but microhangs are nice, even if it's a 50/50 chance they are free.

Are dating apps good for anything?

For stories? Yes. Learning about yourself? Yes. Relationships? No.

But now I'm less in it for the plot. I've already had enough to stories to tell. Know any nice, single guys in NorCal? Send them my way. 

Are you part of any groups?

Was in Sac Pop Choir for nearly two years, but had to pause with grad school. Enjoy popping into things more than weekly commitments.

[Ed. note: I was like wait what about that book club you mentioned?]

hahaah....JULIANAAA I DO TOO MANY THINGS to write about them all.

I did hesitantly join a friend's small book club. I had not read a full book in a year.

Once I realized my brain could overcome Tik Tok brain, I then thought it would be fun to do an "A La Carte" book club. A term I made up to name the action of rallying your friends to read a book you are interested in. Partiful for the first one. [Ed. note: They read Melissa Broder's Milk Fed.]

Used IG chats and Google Docs for discussion Qs. Some were group phone calls. All ended with an in-person meal.

The final book I read before grad school was requested by my friend Tooka, The Persians.

Do you use the term “best friend”?

Sparingly. I say “childhood bestie” for Kimia and Bryce, and “college besties” for Sabrina and Camila. I more often use “close friend” for people I feel I can call anytime or would make great efforts to see if we're in the same city.

I am lucky to have many gal pals in Sacramento who are close friends. My longest road trip was 18 days, with my summer camp bestie Kesley. We’re basically sisters.

Apologies to all feeling left out of my MySpace-like Top 8 list. I love you all.

Think about a place you know very well. What was one of the signs/moments that you had reached a level of closeness with it?

Probz took 2 years to like Sacramento. I think I only had one sort of friend when I moved here. I joined a cornhole team with her. I also tried to stop comparing it to the Bay.

November 2019 was when I helped host an epic high school themed house crawl. Five stops, people mostly biked but could walk house to house. Soooo realizing that by that point, I probably liked Sac pretty well.

What’s something in your intimacy toolbox? Like, what do you do/say/act if you want to get closer to someone—whether as a friend, date, or anything else?

I actually invite people to do things. If I only know someone through an activity — tennis, run club, pop choir — I suggest getting dinner or going for a walk to become friends outside of it.

I make an effort to respond to texts and follow up. It can be hard to make friends, took me a few years in Sacramento. But once you meet someone you vibe with, it can open up a whole world of friendships.

It also helps that everyone mostly lives within a ten-minute walk or bike ride. I had to draw out my friend tree for my sister one time because it was too hard to track everyone. 

When things are going too slow for me, weeks into “dating,” I use a line my friend Kat taught me, “Can I have a goodnight kiss?” It has worked every time.

I write notes about friends I want to remember in their contact on my phone. Food allergies, names of their parents, their wifi password, their favorite snack, just any random little thing about their life. I always save their bday there too and give them a funny up-close contact photo of them to see when they call me.

Also, I celebrate my friendship anniversaries! Once I become good friends with someone, I try to recall when we first met. I mark it on my calendar. My gCalendar entry for our friend Beth reads: “Have a milkshake (preferably free). Met October 1, 2021.”

How do you feel about death to the primacy of romantic/sexual relationships?

It's all I've known, having been “single” for most of my life.

As Esther Perel talks about, it's a lot to put so many needs and expectations onto one person. Having several close friends and family is just as valuable, if not more so, than one primary partnership. In Sacramento, out of all my friends…all but one or two are in a relationship. Many are married and have babies.

I think it's vital that we make room for the different lifestyles and moments in life we're all living.

Want your friend who's now a mom to come to your parties? Set an early start time sometimes so parents can stay for a bit. Love your partner but want to spend quality time with your friend too? Come solo sometimes. Is your friend caring for elderly parents? Make time to talk about it or lend a helping hand.

Do anything to commune with the ancestors?

My sister gathered immigration and public records on our family members, tracing back to our great-great grandparents. I often refer to this archive to remember family history, like which ancestor got married on a ship, hours after falling in love at first sight.

I am the youngest of my generation of siblings and cousins. My mom's parents passed before I was born, and my paternal grandfather died when I was two. I only knew my grandma Joan, until she passed at 93 in 2018. She made me scrambled eggs, taught me solitaire, and shared a love of jazz music from her youth.

In recent years, I've felt drawn to understand these family members, near and far back. I spent hours using my library's access to newspaper archives and found that Grandpa Nate Kuper once coordinated a Berkeley City Club event with Louis Armstrong. My mom is a flutist and her mom was a pianist — there were many talented musicians on that side.

Beth's husband Jeff dubbed me “Mayor of Friendship” years ago. While revisiting family history, I connected the dots that two relatives were actual mayors – Herman Wise of Astoria, Oregon, and William Lippitt of Colfax, Washington. Both were immigrants: Herman from Germany, and William from Posen, Prussia (now Poland).

I have no interest in running a city, but I hope they'd appreciate my mayoral qualities. It's wild to think about all that had to happen – who had to meet, what they had to face – for me to end up here.

Record stories now with those who are on this earth! Public records can only capture so much.

A favorite pair (romantic/artistic/platonic/etc) of mine:

Broad City’s Ilana and Abbi and…

fellow UC Berkeley alum artist Shirin Towfiq and her husband Bryan Truitt. Their relationship seems so loving and fun. She met him through Instagram and he helped bake bread for her bread project. They went from “friends to collaborators to lovers” in her words when I asked about how they met.

Thanks QB for being our first! You can follow her on Instagram.

And thanks as always for reading.

Beso! (The Filipino kind.)

Juliana