Q: Where do you buy used watch parts?
A: A second-hand store.

People say "time is on our side," but more accurately it used to be on people's wrists. In the form of a watch. (or in French, a show -- montre is the French verb for show, as well as the noun for watch)(although I guess even in English you can show your watch while you watch your show)(or show watch show watch show watch show want, if you're the Beastie Boys)(and whomst among us that grew up in the 80s didn't at least briefly pretend to be the Beastie Boys at some point?)

These days wristwatches are less common because everyone has the time on their phone in their pocket. But we still don't have time on our side. A fickle ally, time. In spite of the fact that we have an abundance of time-saving devices and technologies, time slips through our fingers like Nickelodeon slime someone has tipped out of a large bucket: It seems endless, it washes over us and some sticks to us, and everyone has a general sense what it is but couldn't fully explain the details if asked.

Now that I've belabored the slipping time/tipping slime metaphor (technically a simile)(slime simile!), I'd like to talk about time whales.

A WHALE OF A TIME

In the world of online video games, big spenders in a game are often referred to as "whales". I'm not a whale (although gaming is Ahab-it of mine), since although I'm happy to spend some money for digital entertainment, I'm not generally interested in spending a lot of money on amassing extensive imaginary wealth in a system someone else controls that could shut down tomorrow. (insert your own crypto joke here.)

But you don't always need to spend like a whale in these games to amass a pod of resources that some people would krill for. Just by starting a game at the right time and playing for years, you could end up with comparable holdings to a whale who found it later and spent big money. And so a new term was created for this sort of player, which is "time whale", referring to someone who didn't spend $$$$$, but happened to start the game serendipitously early.

Being a time whale is usually a fluke. But having the money to be a spendy whale is also usually a fluke. Because all whales have flukes. And also because time is money. Which brings us to this week's column.

SCRAPING BY ON SIX FIGURES

If you’ve ever seen those articles about families with six-figure salaries “just scraping by”, you’ll appreciate this week’s column:

A Minute Six-Figure Salary

I have a six-figure time salary, with 100,000+ free minutes per year. And in spite of this, I am so overworked this month that I feel like I'm barely scraping by time-wise.

[…]

Earlier this year a friend convinced me to get a hedge, because it only had to be watered once a day. In spite of this, I regret to say that the hedge is not doing at all well. I told another friend that this was a reason I shouldn't have kids, since I've heard that's even more work. She replied, "Yeah, kids have to be watered at least TWICE a day," but she was laughing when she said it, so possibly she was underselling it and kids actually need to be watered 3 times a day? Unclear.

The point is, I definitely do not have the time and energy to take care of children. I recently visited my family and had to briefly serve as uncle. I was exhausted after two hours spent entertaining my niece (who is a lovely child, and I'm not just saying that because I'm worried she might read this. I'm saying it because her dad might read this.)

My niece is delightful. But she also has enough energy to power a nuclear reactor, and so naturally expects the same from anyone playing with her. I can be a mildly fun uncle for approximately two hours, after which I am exhausted because my fun reserves only stock enough for two hours of mild fun. (Which also explains my social life.)

(last week's Banner column:
In praise of doing things poorly)

SURPRISE, WHITE PRIVILEGE!

(maybe not that much of a surprise.) The big non-secret about struggling six-figure salary earners is that it's the same thing as white privilege. By which I mean, even if you ignore any connection between income and race (which some folks absolutely love to do, one of their top ten things to ignore)(but not Usain Bolt!), the core issue is the same.

For someone who feels like they're barely scraping by, the good fortune of having a six-figure salary doesn't erase their problem, and so it feels hurtful to get maligned online for appearing in those articles. But the fact is that many other people face similar struggles and have the additional burden of a much smaller salary.

Likewise, poor white folks who are barely scraping by to anyone's definition often resent hearing the phrase "white privilege" because they are impoverished and struggling to survive and do not feel privileged in any way. But the fact remains that many other people face similar struggles and have the additional burden of being a different race in a country whose already non-trivial racism has only seemed to ramp up in the past couple years.

Either way, a lot of our circumstances are just a fluke.

ALL'S WHALE THAT ENDS WHALE

Do I have a point with all this? I don't know. (third base!)(or cue Nickelodeon slime, depending what era your comedy is from.) But I know that while I have been feeling a bit stressed and overworked this month, it's probably important for me to remember that many people spend every month this busy or busier. Even in a busy month, a little empathy is always worth the time.

That it for this week's newsletter. As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and if you've likewise been blessed with some time to spend, I hope you buy yourself something nice. Unless you're a geology teacher, in which case I hope you buy yourself something gneiss. In other words, add rock.

Puns Can't, They Won't, And They Don't Stop,
Seth