Q: How did angry Garfunkel fans describe Paul Simon's first solo album?
A: Ap-paul-lingly Art-less

It's Paul Simon week here at Seth Says, mainly because my column this week is a Paul Simon parody. I always hope people appreciate my column, but I'll admit the rhyming ones are often my favorites, in no small part because I first got into this business 30 years ago writing rhyming columns about politics and current events like the OJ trial (I mean, it was current back then)(could have been writing about raisin impersonators, but that's currant events) for the Providence Journal.

When Paul Simon's album Graceland came out 40 years ago (last week)(by which I mean it came out 40 years ago last week, not that it's been 40 years since last week)(it has been 40 years since 2024 though), my father was a fan and I became a fan as well -- to the point where one of the first non-classical-music concerts I ever attended was when he brought me to see Ladysmith Black Mambazo (the African choral group who backed him up)(Paul Simon, not my dad; my dad very rarely had backup singers)(although at one point my mom did own two sewing machines). It was pretty great, and I appreciated that the volume was not ear-splittingly loud, unlike most concerts. (Yes, I was already an old man as a child.)

A PARODY FOR YOU

As you may have noticed if you are someone who eats food, there have been a lot of recalls lately. I decided I wanted to enumerate some of them in a list song, and since I'd already done a "My Favorite Things" parody in the past few years, I settled on a Paul Simon classic:

50 Bad Foods To Discover

(to the tune of "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover", with apologies to Paul Simon)

"The problem is only getting worse," she said to me
"Food that should be healthy now may cause some malady
I'd like to help you to stay foodborne illness-free
There must be fifty bad foods to discover"

She said, "It's obvious that things would go this way
When Trump fired thousands of food safety workers from the FDA
And now it seems like there is a new recall every day
There must be fifty bad foods to discover"
Fifty bad foods to discover

[Chorus]
You don't want a fruit snack, Jack
That popsicle's sus, Gus
Think that lettuce is bad, Tad
Cyclospora's no fun

Skip that deli meat, Pete
Don't want to excrete heat
Those blueberries are grim, Jim
E.Coli in each one

[...]

Peanut butter's a prank, Frank
That granola brings pain, Jane
Cheese puffs you should eschew, Sue
Running out of good treats

Cookies will make you sick, Vic
Salmonella's no picnic
Even dog food's recalled, Paul
There's not much safe to eat

She said, "Every single one of these were recalls I could cite
But even worse would be if issues like this weren't brought to light
It's cheaper not to, which is why we need the federal oversight
We don't want fifty bad foods undiscovered"

There's twice as many lyrics in the link but I still could have written more. Hell, just in the few days between when I wrote it and now, I could have added, "Tofu's got ink inside, Clyde" and "Avoid chocolate dairy, Larry", since it seems like a ceaseless cavalcade of contaminated food is the inevitable result of removing federal regulators. But rather than dwell on that, you might appreciate this short anecdote of how Paul Simon found inspiration for one of his songs:

A BRIEF CELEBRITY STORY

Some decades ago, Paul Simon was sitting at home trying to think of a catchy title hook for a new song, but wasn't getting anywhere, and all of his attempts to sing random things to test them out was just making him thirsty. He went to grab himself a cold bottle of seltzer from the refrigerator, but as he was opening the cap he lost his grip on the bottle and it tumbled from his hands. As seltzer spilled out under the refrigerator, Paul Simon suddenly thought of the perfect lyric to capture the essence of rough times: "Like a fridge over bubbled water"

A LESS FUNNY BUT MORE TRUE CELEBRITY STORY

We lost some beloved Hollywood legends over the past few weeks, and one whose name you may not know but whose work you definitely do was Marty Nadler, who wrote for sitcoms like Happy Days and Laverne&Shirley. When his son shared a post reflecting on a storied life, rather than listing all the amazing shows he worked on, the focus was on how supportive and kind he was, how he always cared about others.

Of course you all know the name Dolly Parton, but likewise in spite of her numerous accomplishments as one of the best-selling musicians of all time -- dozens of Grammy nominations and double-digit wins -- when the Internet was filled with remembrance of her last week the focus was mainly on her kindness and how much she cared about others, rather than her impressive resume.

And I suspect there's a lesson there. While I am neither famous nor dead (yet), I've certainly noticed even in my own life that very few people care what awards I might have won or what books I might have written, but (insofar as they interact with me at all) do care if I'm a kind person who cares about other people. In spite of all the negative propaganda against it over the past couple years, empathy still matters.

ENJOY SOME CHEAP THRILLS

If you'd like the heady rush of doing something possibly even more important than working on a sitcom, winning a Grammy, or writing a book, kindness is always pay-what-you-want. My favored charity is the Berkshire Food Project, which provides food to the local community here. If you prefer, you could donate to your own local food bank, or Dolly Parton's Imagination Library, or the Myasthenia Gravis Foundation in Marty Nadler's name. (for that matter, you could donate to your local food bank in his name, or in Dolly Parton's name, and no one will stop you)(this is not legal advice for tax purposes)

HOMEWARD BOUND

That about wraps up this week's newsletter. Enough words, time for the Sound of Silence! As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and just be grateful I didn't write a whole Napolean in Graceland parody: "Losing love’s like Russian winter in your heart // Everybody sees you're Bonaparte..."

You Can Call Me Pal,
Seth