The Meal That Makes You Cum
You know in When Harry Met Sally when Sally (I think that's her name) pretends to have an orgasm in a café (british english for diner) and a bystander (a café patron, an eater) says "I'll have what she's having?". It's famous. Well, do you think she (the bystander, I mean. Sally (I think that's her name) isn't going to come up again) actually wanted to eat a meal that makes you cum? Like, she actually wanted to order a meal that makes you (involuntarily?) cum when surrounded by other diners? Sally (I think that's her name (sorry, she has come up again)) wasn't really cumming, she was just putting on a show. She was just making a point, a correct point: we cannot truly inspect the mind of another - behaviour is all there is. But this other woman (the bystander (I'll check if she has a name (ok I'm back, she doesn't, she's called "Women In Diner" but she is played by Rob Reiner's mother which is some interesting movie trivia I think))) - does WID really want to cum in the cafe? Would anyone?
This is beside the point, but I think it's quite a leap to think the meal caused the orgasm. Sally (that's definitely her name, it's in the title of the film) is sat a table, there's a lot that could be going on. Tables are like a big lake, there's all kind of mysteries below the surface and none of them are our business. My motto is: let the fish swim. Personally, I'd be so many theories deep before I'd start on "what if the food made her cum" and I'd likely spend a lot of time on "what was happening under the table", I'd probably never move on from it. It's hardly a locked room mystery. She was cumming really loudly and she was obscured from the waist down. How do you go from that to "maybe a sandwich made her spaff everywhere". And even then, even if you believe you'd deduced the existence of TMTMYC - what could possibly motivate you to order it?
I know some of you are going to think I sound prudish and unfun - "maybe we can have cafés where people cum". Have you considered that TMTMYC (the meal that makes you cum) is a choking hazard? I imagine there's lots of reasons a sit down meal and having sex are separate events, but surely one of them is that you might choke on the food. Imagine TMTMYC starts kicking in but you haven't finished yet, you're still chewing, you're mid-swallow. What then? Spit it out? Retch it up? Sit in the cafe suffering the big death (thats what the french call it (the ones who cum really hard at least)) spitting half chewed chunks of beige putty onto the table, grunting, sweating, writhing?
There's a chapter in Paddy McGuinness' autobiography "My Lifey" (which I read for important reasons) where he recounts a time as a young man he wallpapered his work canteen with softcore pornography. After a couple of days, one of the old fellas took him to one side and asked him to take it down because it made him uncomfortable to eat the sandwiches his wife prepared surrounded by tits and ass. It's the only food hall I've heard of where it felt appropriate to cum, and yet no one wanted to. They were at work.
Andy Burnham: The Shimmering Man
I recently wrote for Now Then about King in/of the North Andrew Burnham. There's been a lot of talk about whether or not things are about to get marginally better, marginally worse, or marginally the same. It's like playing top trumps with a microscope. To summarise the enclosed take I think the answers can't be found anywhere in Andy Burnham's mind, personal history or DNA. Westminster, The Labour Party and the political landscape is a big (very) & (red) hot machine and Andy Burnham is just another charcoal briquette.
This article has one of my telltale signature styles where all the factual content is balled up as dense as possible in the middle so I can maximise the amount of unneeded florid deviations.
Fringe & Reccs
Suddenly, The Fringe is feeling like a real thing that'll actually happen into whose gravity I'm sunken and sinking.
If anyone of youse are going up here are is a random subsection of shows I'm looking forward to in no particular order. There'll be more to follow as I continue to pore over the programme.
Nate Kitsch's Replica
Mary Flanigan's Scream If You Want To Go Slower
Twonkey's Soft December Night In Tallahassee
Michael Brunstrom's William Tell vs The Algorithm
Andy Barr's A Comet Appears (WIP)
Benjamime Alborough's Absolute Monopoly
And Mark Silcox's two presumably interrelated shows.
A Milestone!
We've hit 200 readers. I don't know if that's a lot. I just looked up "Sandpaper Review" on youtube and even the small ones have 40,000 views so it feels like the meaning of function of metrics are slipping through our collective fingers. However, I'm pleased as punch that 200 of you gave this a chance and I'm sorry that I spent so much of the wordcount talking about the meal that makes you cum.
Upcoming Shows
18th July - Sheffield - Sean Morley and Eric Rushton Edinburgh Fringe Previews - use discount code RUSHMORL for 33% off
23rd July - Sheffield - Plughole New Material Night
25th July - London - Backchannel at Stanley Arts Comedy Weekend
