When I start a task I always do the hardest bit first. I follow the dinner-pudding mentality. Suffer first, then rejoice. If I was Jesus I'd ask if I could get crucified at the beginning, after that I could come back to life and relax. Can you imagine the imagery? Or the reputational damage to the roman empire? Or how hard nativity displays would go - a donkey staring up at a child-god receiving capital punishment?

Do Animals Get Sunburn

These days I've mostly been talked out of worrying about animals when it rains. Sometimes during a downpour I'll see a wood pigeon sheltering on a miserable bough and I'll just be floored - it'll hit me like the buddha's palm: animals are homeless. Most of them anyway. I know some of them have a sort-of-hole to tumble into when the weather picks up. But a tunnel's not a house nor is a bulbous hollow at the end of a tunnel either. Anyway, I've been told they're fine, they've adapted to it the weather. They love, it even. Whatever white lies get me to stop frowning out of the window.

But what about sunburn(!/?) - I saw a rat yesterday and it looked piping hot. The tip of its tail was sizzling - it looked like a bomb. I've been reading this interview with a zookeeper from the Smithsonian Zoo who basically says yeah, "most any animal that has exposed skin is susceptible to sunburn" - I guess that makes sense. And it's kind of underresearched, generally. It wasn't much of a question at all until in 2010 they kept discovering blisters on whales which is kind of upsetting. Also, did you know Hippos sweat a red liquid that absorbs UV that looks a lot like blood??? That's mad, how do we get that? and why don't we have (more) hair? OK I looked that up too and it turns out that we lost it when we started hunting animals and thick hair made us overheat so our hair follicles evolved into sweat glands (possibly)! I've got a spray bottle now though so I don't really need unprompted brine pouring out of me, I want thick hair like a bonobo. I just don't like the oily texture of sun tan lotion on my skin and I think it's not fair that, for example, a dog are somehow exempt from yet another chore.

When I was in The Netherlands there was a lot of public health comms about skin cancer. They're a very sunburnt country. About 1 in 6 dutch people get skin cancer in their life, which feels excessive. Everyone's outdoors all the time, and being so tall there's a lot of surface area to scorch. In 2023 they repurposed all the squirty disinfectant containers leftover from peak covid-19 hygiene theatre and filled them all with sun tan lotion. They were everywhere. Slime on demand. You could casually reach out your arm, get a big glob of factor 50 courtesy of the state and apply white smears to your face mid-walk.

Not sure if it's been continued, feels like a really good public health initiative although I guess it's possibly too expensive to maintain. Doesn't affect me though, I'm giving serious thought to subterranean living.

Bulletin Board

Before we move onto the bulletin board let me just say sorry for writing about The Meal That Makes You Cum last time. People made it very clear they didn't appreciate reading an email with that title and I'm glad to say we've managed to get the subscriber numbers back to what they were before everyone unsubscribed last week - so I'm once again celebrating 200 subscribers. Thanks to everyone who helped get us there.

I say this because this week's bulletin board question lives in the shadow of that egregious topic. The mime Matthew Healy asks: "if you had to eat a meal that made you cum what would it be? As in: what form would the food take? Probably a really nice cake for me."

Please respond with your answer or with a new question to be featured in future bulletin boards. Now I'm not convinced a meal can make you cum - I just don't think it's possible. I found the wording of this question being "if you had to eat a meal that made you cum" rather than "what meal would make you cum" quite suspicious. So it's up to you how you interpret it.

Shows

I had a wonderful time at Regather Comedy on Saturday with my penultimate preview for Backchannel. Here are some wonderful pictures taken by Matt Tate

I'm more or less happy with the show in its current state. I've tampered with the whole thing slightly and I think it's for the better - but most of the second half is still a mystery to me. My remaining questions to resolve before August are: Why is it like that? Why have I made it like that? Why have I done this? etc

This week I'll be doing some new bits at Plughole in Sheffield on Thursday, then on Saturday is the last preview before Edinburgh at Stanley Arts in South London as part of their Stand Up At Stanley work in progress weekend after which I've been invited to stay in a squat which I hope is a lot like staying in a house.

Also! Newly announced: Sean Morley's Normal Game is doing a WIP show at The Fringe! On the night of the 8th (but after midnight so it's technically the 9th (which is crucial to know and understand if you want to buy the right ticket)) I'll be at Bedlam Theatre using their big projector to host the quiz of a lifetime as part of Liebenspiel's Bedlam Lates programme (which is wall-to-wall good stuff, all experimental one-offs). Tickets here.

ok that's it goodbye!

Upcoming Shows

23rd July - Sheffield - Plughole New Material Night

25th July - London - Backchannel at Stanley Arts Comedy Weekend

3 - 30th August - Edinburgh - Backchannel at The Fringe

9th August - Edinburgh - Sean Morley's Normal Game WIP

18th August - Edinburgh - Alternative Comedy Memorial Society

8th November - Nottingham - Nicely