the format of these monthly updates are directly inspired by how my family and I stay connected with each other. you can expect some main points, some tangential stories, some vulnerable reflections on things that feel uncertain, and an invitation to share what’s up with you too.

here’s some snapshots of what may looked like:

💳 I pay for my first business related meal using my business card

🫠 I have a meltdown on our way to a friend hang due to sensory issues and anxiety around being late

🥐 We have a cute breakfast catch-up with some friends visiting from the U.S.

🎲 Another mirth-filled, coffee-fueled game night with cherished CC friends — complete with my first experience of a tim-tam slam

😷 As part of communicating our needs amongst groups with mixed practices, I post about our current pandemic safety protocols for gathering with friends

🌐 I self-host a website for the first time! If you haven’t already, you’re invited to visit my new website at ritualas.me

👩‍🦱 I get complimented on my hair in Dutch! (and knew enough Dutch to understand when it was being given 😆)

🗺️ I go somewhere by myself for the first time since my surgery!

🥹 I get called “so strong” by a supportive friend after dealing with an unexpected mention of an abuser.🌧️ The rain shows up again right around the end of this conversation, and for the rest of the day to support

🪡 I mend a purple hand towel (my favorite one)

🧣 I start some much-needed mending on a keepsake bandana

🌑♉ We do a gentle ritual for the new moon in Taurus — calling in a cozy new home and more income stability

🧹 I help my partner start putting together a side gig offering covid-cautious assistance with odd jobs, errands, pet-sitting, and chores — reach out if you’re interested!

☯️ I begin slowly reconnecting with a qi gong practice

👾 I beat a video game level that I’d been working on for weeks. It feels fantastic

⭕ I hula hoop for the first time in a long time

❤️‍🩹 I make a vulnerable ask from our friends for help with finding housing

😮‍💨 We receive our healthcare toeslag…in time to start thinking about filing taxes

✍️ I journal for the first time in a long time

😽 We cat-sit the sweetest kitty friend for some of our good human friends

🤧 Allergies target me personally, for a pointed attack against me specifically as a person with nostrils

🧦 I put some stinky socks on our pet altar to ask our pup ancestors to bring some comfort, protection, and good news to one of our senior pup friends

🎵 I recall the full name and origin of a song from my childhood that I tend to hum to myself during hard times

🫶 I get to give support to another new friend by sharing about my own experience of being admitted to a Dutch hospital for the first time

🌳 My friends continue telling me about their conversations with their neighborhood trees that they’ve been petitioning on my behalf for a new home. It works wonders at lifting my spirits

💸 With still no place to land, we pay our last month of rent at our first Dutch apartment

⚖️ I finally transfer my sliding scale tool to my new website. It needs adjustment for euros, but it’s a start

💨 One morning, I fart loud enough to hear a pigeon be spooked off of our balcony

🖤🫘 I start a lil black jellybean jar. My maternal grandmother used to keep a jar of black jelly beans in her china cabinet. I’ve always loved black jellybeans and that jar was such a core memory of my childhood.

card pulls and personal reflections

🦎 Lizard - 36 - Dreaming

What fears have been following behind me? “Are you the dreamer? or are you the dreamed?”

I’ve been scared of my dreams. Scared that I’m behind. Scared that I am drowning in surviving, and my dreams move further away from me. I’m scared that I want too many things. My dreams get tugged immediately into “how can this make me a living?” A fear of pursuing my dreams. Fears of visibility.

🐦‍⬛ Crow - 24 - Law

an omen of change; “speak in a powerful voice when addressing issues that feel out of harmony, out of balance, out of whack or unjust.” “Allow your personal integrity to be your guide, your sense of feeling alone will vanish.” Have backup if you are stepping on toes. “In seeing what is true, you may need to weed out past beliefs or ideas to bring yourself into the present moment“

To whom or what have I given my authority? Getting the words ‘perfect’ will not matter if someone has committed to misunderstanding me or silencing me. Speak what you need as you need because its your own body that has to hold it alone if you don’t.

🪈 Kokopelli - 14 - Fertility

“When we approach our lives with trust rather than skepticism, we are allowing our minds to be the fertile ground for enrichment.” “You are being asked to use your talents to create fertility in some area of your life.” “If you have a project to begin or an idea to develop, now is the time to use your skill and resources to make use of the magic…the timing couldn’t be better!”

This is very clear.

👣 Rites of Passage - 21 - Change

This was one of two cards that fell out in the beginning; it felt more like a “not for you” or “not yet. In reflecting on them at the end of the month, it definitely felt more like “not yet.” I’ve drawn this card before back in march, and it feels like an ongoing nod to that.

🪘 Drum - 32 - Rhythm/Internal Timing

This was the other of two cards that fell out. This cuts to the bone, to the heart. In the same way that it’s felt like dance is missing from me over the past couple years, the connection to that internal rhythm, of dancing with life, of being in that pocket—I’ve been missing that. The grief around it is painful. The call to get back to that—and the healing I know it brings, feels daunting and heavy.

threads from this month that I didn’t get to

• the powerful practice of naming exactly what it was that I’ve survived. Write out what your ancestors helped you with, protected you from, how they showed up for you. Write about how they see shit, and divert you when you listen. and sometimes even when you don’t.

• You can give dance as an offering. For the new moon, dance.

• Get visible.

• On Villaging (from a post by someone else) - invite people to ordinary life. check in with no reason needed. become a regular somewheres. let peole help in small ways. introduce people to each other. gather just cuz.

• constant question I’m asking myself in the face of people’s bullshit: am I wrong for even asking? or are you just uncomfortable saying no and expecting me to circumnavigate that by contorting my questions in such a way that you never have to say no?

• The trees have always been there for me. The loquat tree. The lemon tree. The cacti (not trees but relatives). Hula hooping as honoring the rings of a tree.

• How part of my magic is time magic.

• On entering my tita era.

• I think I need things to untangle. I think following the thread is something that is reliable in keeping me tethered. When I tidy, everything has a place, and therefore things that I need to see stick out—things that need a place.

• Altarwork as play, as chose-your-own-adventure, as world-building, as slow storytelling, as adding your own seasoning to life—here marks something significant

moments of mischief and magic

My partner and I spend a good 20 minutes looking for the USB chip for my wireless mouse. We look everywhere. As I look under the table, I am distracted by noticing that the extender piece in the center has clips on the underside that can lock it in place securely. I ask my partner to do the same on his side. As he squats down to look under the table, it puts him at the perfect angle to see that the USB chip had slipped beneath a sticky note on the table and had been under our noses the whole time.

conversations with community

CW: mentions of abuse, enabling, and gaslighting

Through Black History month in February, to Women’s History month in March, to Sexual Assault Awareness month in April, to Mental Health Awareness month in May, to Pride in June and Disability Pride in July, and into Domestic Violence awareness month in the fall — I think about these things and wonder “What are people doing with all their newfound ‘awareness’ accumulating over the years?”

Admittedly, a large part of this rhetorical wondering and literal tiredness come from the fact that I’m still actively navigating circumstances around my housing, my livelihood, and my food stability that have been directly impacted by abusers and their enablers. From trauma over 10 years ago to navigating the same exhausting dynamics in new groups here in a new country, it’s still tiring. It was tiring when my mom was my age navigating it in her work places. It was tiring when her mother was navigating it in her everyday life and workplaces. Toni Morrison said,

“The function, the very serious function of racism is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.”

Its one thing to expect it from the usual right-wing suspects, but it’s another tired thing completely to have it flung at you by people who claim to be in the same ‘values-aligned’ communities. Which is absolutely still nothing new, but damn if it isn’t still exhausting as fuck.

To date, in my 15 months in the Netherlands, I’ve already been kicked out of 3 self-proclaimed disability justice signal chat groups by white folks, 2 of which name themselves as covid-cautious—with no notice, no conversation, and no explanation beyond unnamed people feeling ‘unsafe’ for undisclosed reasons.

Same shit, different country. Same whiteness, different chat. Same enabling, different abusers. Abusers have entire systems with the very serious function of distraction.

I sent one thorough response to those who kicked me out, wasting my breath telling them how weird it was that they’d been looped in so quickly and thoroughly as agents into the months-long distractions of this abuser and their enablers, how that was the one thing linking this interaction between two strangers, them and myself. After 2 weeks of no response, I blocked them and called it a day. I will reclaim my time for elsewhere, and they can have each other.

As I age and think about the history of things my lineage has survived on top of everyday bullshit like this, it becomes more and more important to me to name the things I’ve survived—not even to make people more aware of things that happen, but for myself and affirming that I get to take up space in this world in the face of so many systems telling me I can’t, for ensuring that my body is not the only place that this story is housed, to have this story living somewhere else outside of me so that it doesn’t fester and eat away at me alone while I try to survive Everything Else. Because removing the distraction doesn’t full heal the wound. And while wounds are not distractions, they are impacts that still take time to heal. How much time is stolen by constantly having to heal from the neverending stream of impacts?

And through all the history months and awareness months this year, it’s hard not to feel like so much of what passes as ‘awareness’ is more akin to performative, self-absolving pats on the back for daring to acknowledge that Black people/women/survivors/disabled/queer people exist—and then call it ‘community’ when you do it in a group chat. And don’t get me wrong, nothing against group chats, but if a queer Black chronically ill immigrant woman can be kicked out of a majority white group on unnamed grounds for some anonymous person/s feeling unsafe, that’s not community, that’s just a social club indulging in mean girls tactics—which is classic whiteness.

For the backlog of awareness months and history months I have yet to write on, I’m gonna list some things that have actually been said to me when speaking up about abusive patterns of behavior, just in the past year, by people who claimed to be values-aligned, or even ‘friends.’

actual responses I’ve received after disclosing abuse happening to myself or another:

me: hey someone in our community is experiencing abuse from this abuser.

the white ‘friend’ who claimed they'd do something if they ever heard about someone being abused:
When i said i'd do something about abuse, I meant about human trafficking and stuff, not this.

me: hey someone in our community is experiencing abuse from this abuser.

the ‘friend’ who supposedly wants to 'build' 'community':
"[the abuser is] my family and i don't want to hear anything about my family that would change how i feel about my family."

me: hey someone in our community is experiencing abuse from this abuser.

white ‘friend’: [the survivor is] not actually my community or my friend so I don't know what you want me to do about it. Leave me out of that drama.

me: hey someone in our community is experiencing abuse from this abuser.

white ‘friend’: Well i haven't heard the other side of the story so i can't be unbiased, so i have to side with other people who i used to fuck and who also happen to be defending this enabler.

me: hey someone who is abusing one of our friends is now surveilling them AND me for supporting them.

so-called 'community builder':
"it sounds like you need to set better boundaries."

me: when i told you what this abuser was doing, I was asking for help.

self-proclaimed white ‘radical’:
"it didn't sound like you were asking for help."

so-called 'community-builder':
"it didn't sound like you were asking for help to me either."

me: *discloses 3 months worth of documented abusive behavior amidst a community* “Were you aware of any of this happening?”

self-proclaimed white ‘radical’:
I don't know anything about this but how dare you call me a rat by thinking i'd ever be involved in this.

so-called 'community-builder':
so i did know about this and that abuser said you seemed more concerned with how they received screenshots of your private messages than with the harm they claim you’ve done by supporting the person they’re abusing.

me: *discloses 3 months worth of documented abusive behavior amidst a community* “Were you aware of any of this happening?”

white ‘friend’:
After everything we’ve done for you, I can’t believe you’d even think to ask me if I knew any of this. It’s so hurtful that you’re accusing me of surveilling you.

me: that’s not what I said.

white ‘friend’:
It feels like you're gaslighting me.

so-called 'community-builder':
Yeah, everyone gets to have their own experience of what happened.

me: *discloses 3 months worth of documented abusive behavior amidst a community* “Were you aware of any of this happening?”

so-called 'community-builder':
I’m so tired of my character being called into question like this. You’re not accommodating my disability. I don’t have capacity to deal with this right now.

me: that’s not what I said, and that’s not what I’m asking.

so-called 'community-builder':
I’m trying to protect what we’re building here. Don’t bring that stuff from over there in here.

me: *details multiple actions against multiple friends over 3 months and suggests we should all talk together to see how we can navigate this with support*

so-called 'community-builder':
“so a person messes up once and we're gonna judge them for that?”

me: *takes time away from enablers to grieve the fact that they've doubled down on being enablers while also adjusting to life in a new country and an influx of the work that is sustaining me and my partner as a sole income earner while also coordinating support for those continuing to experience the abuse*

enablers: why are you being weird? I know we asked you not to say anything anymore to us about this abuser, but by also not spending time with us in the same exact ways you used to, you're creating a lot of tension and it's uncomfortable.

me: *continues surviving*

enablers: wow so it's actually so inappropriate for you to bear us ill will like this right now. We're gonna enact double standards around the house rules that we made, and cross boundaries around your space and belongings about it.

white ‘friend’:
"I thought we were friends. We had movie nights together."

me: *moves out*

at a public event after weeks of moving out and no contact:

enablers: *in attendance*

me: *also in attendance, unaware enablers would be there, minding my own fucking business the whole time, looking fucking great doing it, and thoroughly enjoying myself*

the very next day:
white, so-called community organizers: hey we've never met you or interacted with you, nor have we ever expressed any problem with your presence or messages in the group chat over the past 6 months, but an unnamed long-time member has just now expressed concerns about their safety with you in the group so you're no longer allowed here.

MONTHS after moving out and no contact:

new actual friend: *adds me to a resource-sharing group*

me: *unaware that the abuser and their enablers are in this group*

the abuser AND their enablers to this new friend: hey hi how are you?? sorry I never followed up with you to hang out months ago. anyway, this person you just added isn’t a safe person for me or my family or my kids.

new actual friend: what do you mean?

the abuser AND their enablers to this new friend: *refuse to explain, continue to parrot each other vaguely about me being an ‘unsafe person.’*

This isn’t even all of it. And this is what many survivors mean when we say “y’all hate survivors.”

One of the biggest wishes I have for white people is for you to go get your people. I’ve written about it time after time.

And if there’s something I’ve seen time and time again is that whiteness and proximity to whiteness will protect itself and that proximity first and foremost. Yes amongst queers, yes amongst other Black and Brown folk, yes amongst disabled people, yes amongst covid-cautious people.

Part of me can already hear people asking “Well how can we go get them if you don’t name them?” Because frankly, its not for them, its for me. I’m past thinking that anyone else will be willing to do anything about it. Plenty of people had plenty of opportunity to do something and I saw what happened anyway. Now I give myself the agency to choose when and where I potentially reinvite those impacts back into my life. I don’t need flying monkeys to renew their bullshit at any time, let alone while I’m still trying to figure out permanent housing and livable income. And as I’m sure they intended, most of the people in those groups probably have no clue that a small subset of them acted this way. I will do what I can when and how I can, according to the capacity I have, and right now, this is what that looks like.

Over these past months, we’ve seen the onslaught of the Epstein files and nothing being done about those perpetrators; we’ve heard Dolores Huerta’s story and more when it came to Cesar Chavez, we’ve seen the acquittal of Diddy and so many other perpetrators of violent abuse. I’ve seen what awareness months do and don’t do. I will not be waiting for any history month to bring me any justice, and I will not allow my body to be the sole holder of the toll these experiences extract from us over years and years and years.

During a time of hardship, struggle, mourning, and adjustment to a new country, I will never forget that these people saw that and chose to double down on making a hard time even harder, weaponizing tears of privilege by naming a Black woman asking for help as dangerous to whole groups of mostly white people.

To be clear, I don’t ever want to be back in those groups either—with practices like they’ve demonstrated, that would be an act of deep self-abandonment, self-betrayal, and self-harm.
I consider it a success to be perceived as such a threat to a system of abuse. That doesn’t make it any less shitty and it definitely doesn’t erase the impact of the actions people take when they feel threatened, but this exercise of self-trust and integrity of character was so affirming. I thank my body for holding me through scary things so that we may so clearly filter out spaces that we don’t need to be in. And as much as that community turned out to be just a weird fan club, I was literally and immediately connected with new folks who turned into actual community, good friends, and meaningful mutual support. Thank goodness everywhere is not for me, and that I’m not for everywhere.

a spell for survivors and those who love them

May I never, ever be a safe space for abusers and their enablers. I hope your abuser dies survivor, and may any enablers that don’t go with them never know peace as long as they are committed to being grease in the wheels of abusive machines.
May the ancestors continue to enact justice when systems and the people that uphold them obscure it. May any attention from your abuser and their flying monkeys continue to bind them, and may all they stole bring ruin to all they stand to receive. May they be entangled and suffocated in the web of all the distractions they weave.
In all their relationships, may they be forced to reckon with who they've chosen to be, and may it break them for as long as they choose to be a tool of white supremacy.

May any violence formed against you, survivor, instead be turned to cash, healing, safety, and vitality. May all truths remain unburied.

And so I ask in the name of my ancestors who survived, my ancestors who succumbed, and any ancestors ready to atone for colonizer behavior by going and getting their people.

Thanks for reading, wishing you moments of ritual, rest, and restoration.

misha | ritual as:

p.s.
Going forward, I’ll be splitting up this newsletter into two parts— with the snapshots happening at the full moon, tarot reflections at the new moon, and the rest of the segments distributed between the two. See the June new moon reflections here!