Hello dear ones,

Welcoming you here and now with a deep breath.

Can you make yourself 1% more comfortable? A micro-adjustment in your body, using the restroom, grabbing a sweater or cushion, a stretch.

Go ahead and create 1% more comfort.

This week we return to 2022-Rebecca as the new dynamic deepens on her work crew.

There are now Loam posts to share, written as part of the story/somatics group the Loam. These writings were one of the main reasons I created the Root Living Journals, so I’m glad to finally be sharing them. (They will be marked as such.)

The Loam posts were part of a weekly thread called 10% Tuesdays, where we shared tiny shifts we were noticing in our body’s sensations and in the stories we were choosing to thicken/shift.

The noticing is pivotal (Awareness is #1)! And, sharing with someone else the 1% shift you’re noticing will only strengthen the new way in your body.

As someone writing today from a wildly different body/capacity than the person you’ve been meeting in these journals—–after living the Loam for four years and nervous system education—–it truly works!

So, if there’s a small irritation or old story-loop you find yourself repeating over and over, and you want it to shift: voice this to your people.

Share with a trusted person and celebrate when you use different language, or when you’re able to pause for one second prior to your usual loop.

It will grow to two. To five. To thirty seconds. To one minute. And so forth. If you’d like, if you choose. Tiny drops, tiny steps.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca

[If you're newly joining, this is part 11 of an ongoing journey. Here is part 1, a great place to begin.]

Saturday, February 19 2022
I notice the things I noticed this week:

How I felt shame that day at lunch when Evan scolded Kira for feeding pizza to the ravens – because I had had the same initial reaction (don’t feed the birds that crap!), but I didn’t have the energy to go against Kira/Kai’s grain and risk being unliked/burden/”rule-follower,” so I hadn’t said anything. But Evan voiced it loudly and clearly, and he’s still liked.

I noticed how when I called Kai at the end of the work day to tell him his backpack was in the back seat of my work truck back at Pinyon, he said “I forgot my backpack, didn’t I?” when he answered, I had an instinct to apologize, to say it was the ONE time I didn’t check before driving home – but I didn’t say it. I didn’t apologize. He took responsibility for his things, it’s not my responsibility.

I noticed how I felt in the Thai restaurant yesterday before car-camping when I ordered takeout – at first underdressed and nonbelonging when I saw the interior and menu prices. Then, slow and calm when the waitress from Illinois rushed around. She asked what kind of work I did, if I was a student. I told her I worked in maintenance for the park. Then she asked if there were ruins there.

“Yes, all over,”  I said.

“What’s the coolest ruin? I love Indian stuff.”  she said. 

“I’m envious of your life,”  she said as we closed.

Are you? You don’t know a thing about it. You’re glorifying a maintenance job. I clean pit toilets and fix broken stuff. You say you love to travel around on weekends – I stay home. 

Her energy felt fast and rushed. I wondered how much of the conversation was fueled by her desire for some type of external connection to garner a tip. It didn’t feel sincere or fuel me up. I didn’t feel seen.

March 6, 2022 Sunday
I feel alone – lacking emotional intimacy. I want to be with my family without getting triggered for feeling unseen and misunderstood. I want friendships with depth, where the teeter totter feels balanced – that it’s not just me who deeply admires the other and wants emotional intimacy. It’s reciprocated and we’re equally interested in one another. I want people I can depend on like family. My worst fear is feeling alone and not having anyone know my depths, no one to laugh and enjoy life with at that deeper spiritual level, with emotional depth.

I feel tired. Today I stretched (good job) and partway through just started crying. I have no idea why, but I guess that emotion just had to move through me. I did a journal page, meditated for 10 min in the morning, baked muffins for the work week and made mushroom quesadillas. I need to practice just being with and sitting with. And going outside walking more often. But for March, grounding 2x/day is my priority.

I have things so good. So good. So much to be thankful for. I feel sad and guilty that I feel low so often these days. I’m getting warm and sweaty writing this. 

March 13, 2022 Sunday
It’s felt like a low, hard week.

We went to the quarry. One day, in the Bobcat, I noticed Kai didn’t have his hardhat on, so I pointed to mine while he was looking. He said yeah, he has a soft head, and did not go put one on. And then Kira didn’t have hers on. And I felt soo “uncool,” the whole rule-follower people don’t like me feeling. Separate. And I cried and cried in the Bobcat while Kira and Kai had a great time laughing together. 

Kai drove home and had me sit in the back, where I cried so exhausted.

On Wednesday I vented a little to Alec in the morning. I notice huge irritation when Kira doesn’t help or is on her phone or just laughing when we need to clean up or get work done. 

On Thursday in the Remodel Room with Kai and Kira, I ate lunch alone and in the afternoon I left to cry and breathe with a rock. At the end of the work day, upon seeing it had snowed back at Crater, I offered to plow with Kai. At 5:00 in the office, I asked Kira “Are you heading home?” and she said, “No, I’m gonna keep Kai company while he drives.”

I was so pissed. 

Envious. So you get to ride along as passenger and have a good time with Kai, while I’m exhausted and focused on operating the plow? 

Who will keep me awake and in high spirits? 

I have to drive another half hour to get back to Pinyon after we finish!

But my biggest concern was: Are you claiming overtime for this? 

If Bill asks me what you did, I’m not lying. I’ll have to say: Kira sat in the passenger seat and rode along chatting with Kai while he plowed.

If Bill asks me why, I’ll say I have no idea. I could already feel Bill’s dislike that it took three employees on overtime to drive two plows.

I think I’m envious because it appears Kira gets to be herself – she doesn’t have to be a hard worker – and still gets love/attention/acceptance from Kai and others. And she doesn’t have the weight I carry.

On Friday instead of a weekend morning I had to get up early for snow removal and was exhausted, not in a good mood. Raw for therapy at 11 – I cried so much. Afterwards I thought of all the things I forgot to say and how I don’t think anxiety is my “issue” and hoping she’s okay with a spiritual lens. 

I felt tenser when I woke up Saturday, grateful for a massage. The massage was great, and then I felt sick in the evening, slept for 1-2 hours until 6:30pm, then was asleep ~8pm. Tightness in head, which isn’t usual. I slept 10-11 hours, then stayed in bed. When I finally stood up, I just started crying. 

I slept more, listened to a podcast, finished season 6 of Schitt’s Creek from library, and now it’s 5pm and I have this knowing that I need a full night’s sleep to be ready for tomorrow. And it also feels too much – I’m not re-energized, I’m not ready for more energies and situations. I’m still processing the week and weekend. My body just feels so tired, feeling all this emotion and having to interact with / explain oneself to other people feels too much. Too heavy. Too separating/activating. I am curious to get a blood test to check my levels of things. 

March 14, 2022
I feel so alone and sad, the deep heaves keep coming. I felt like a monster at work, wiring on my own because Kira needs Kai to prompt her. 

When Kira sat and watched Kai and me work, it really struck something deep - especially when she chimes in with ideas: “Do you need a green screw? Do you want my leatherman?” 

It’s like, am I doing this or are you doing this? Do you need a task to do? Don’t just sit there and watch me and peanut gallery! I was fuming on the inside.

Then on the drive back to Crater at the end of the day, Kira up front passenger talking with Kai, I heard them ask each other about Page on April 2 and I cracked. 

They’re doing a fishing trip? 

Why wasn’t I invited? 

Do they not want me to come? 

Do they think I don’t want to come? 

Why talk about it in front of me? I say nothing from the backseat.

Then, when Kai was asking about my birthday next month and if I would do something, or if I would stay up late to do a full moon bike ride, and all I could say was “no.”  

Why do I want to be liked by them so much? Why do I have so much repressed anger towards Kira? Why can’t I get distance and see the truth? 

Maybe they don’t want me to come. Maybe they think I want to and never asked. Maybe Kai doesn’t want to hang out with me on weekends. Maybe they’re going to a rodeo. I don’t like feeling a burden for others. It feels like no one will be there if I’m like this. And that’s sad and lonely. It feels impossible to ask for what I need – please hang out with me on the weekend. It feels pitiful and I don’t want company out of pity. It needs to be true. I don’t know if Kai offers to try and help me feel better because he helps everyone feel better, or because he genuinely cares.

Dear Love,

Please help me transform this pain. How can I get out of this cycle? 

Dear Rebecca,

Oh honey, be gentle and kind to yourself. Speak your truth. Trust, we’ve all got you.

Let go, be you.

March 22, 2022 [Loam Post]
This past month I’ve primarily been working on a project with a 40-year-old man whose presence is calming & pleasant to me (he has worked here 19 years) and a younger gal (10 years younger than me) who activates a lot of my triggers. She has been here 4 months now, but even after just a few weeks, she was expressing very strong opinions assertively about our coworkers, as if it’s Fact, and to me these comments feel box-y, untrue, unkind, and strips these people of their full human-ness and decades of experience. (ie “Ricardo is so lazy, he doesn’t do anything!”; “She fucking sucks, she doesn’t know anything about what she’s training us in, but acts so confident”) 

When she retells interactions we both witness, they’re exaggerated and extreme (and untrue, from my perspective) to make coworkers fit her narratives. As our energies combine naturally, she takes up a lot more space than me, so it’s often her versions / lens / opinions getting voiced and heard.

We have a new (even younger) coworker starting on Monday, and in addition to being energetically worn down each day by her way of judging/seeing/expressing, I’ve been worried she’ll spread her opinions quickly, and this new worker will have a tainted view from the start. At the end of the day today when all three of us were in the work truck, I spoke up in a way that felt true to me, and definitely pushed an edge. (Uncomfortable sensations!)

“We all have opinions about our coworkers.”  I began,  “I’ve been thinking about how Cameron starts on Monday, and I hope he will have the opportunity to make his own opinions about the people here. I’m going to make an effort to watch what I say so he has that chance...” and before I could ask/invite them to join me, they’d both agreed verbally and it felt like my intention was understood.

Expressing my truth 1% more. Speaking up. Being heard. Being seen. Tiny steps, tiny steps

March 26, 2026 Saturday, 7:20pm
I can’t believe March is nearly over – I have been in a depressive fog this month. On Thursday I talked to Kai on the drive to Pinyon about some of my experiences, since Kira wasn’t in the truck. 

He reassured me: “I accept you however you are. If you come to work sad, I accept you. If you’re happy, I accept you.” 

And he said later that he liked my humor, he didn’t think I “wasn’t fun,” and said I didn’t ask for much. I will try to hold onto those words and internalize them. We had all day together, and I forgot to ask what he and Kira are doing on April 2. 

I still believe that if they would have wanted me there, they would have invited me. I wouldn’t have the balls to make plans with Kai in front of Kira (and not invite her), and also wouldn’t be able to say no if she asked “Can I come?” 

After today’s Boundaries for Sensitive Souls class, I did the visualization from the week I was in my bedroom in 2nd grade after mom had come in to scold me about what I said at recess. I felt tension in my body and tears when little Rebecca said “I need you to know I’m good. I’m not bad. I’m not bad. Don’t yell at me. Don’t yell at me!” I left Little Rebecca with my blue glasses. She liked holding them. 

I started making an inner child altar today. I want to add pictures of little me. I went for a walk today, the lower path at cabin down to canyon, and it was fun and relaxing. I worked on my puzzle when I got back, baked brownies and washed my sheets. It felt like a weekend day before those dark TV bedroom weekends I’ve been having. Reading City of Girls has been fun too. The plot thickens! I’m about halfway in.

April 12, 2022 [Loam Post]
On Monday morning at work, finding out my two coworkers had spent the whole weekend fishing and camping together triggered a strong pang of dark emotions. 

I left the office, sat next to a tree and cried. But this time, I welcomed each emotion. Sadness and loneliness, you can be here, I see you. 

Envy and feeling left out, welcome home. 

Isolation and separateness, what do you feel like when I let you take up all the space you need?

It didn’t feel great, -and- I celebrate that it was slightly different than my usual work tree-cries, which often feel like dark spirals down, down.

The rest of the day had strong waves of hard emotions (familiar from the past two months), such that by the end of it, I knew I had to have a conversation with the coworker I admire. Questions I’d had swirling around for weeks and weeks about our work/friend relationship (how do you see me? are you a support? is how things have been enough for you? would you ever want to hang out with me on the weekend?), frustrations and the deep pain I feel from the younger gal who speaks harshly, judgmentally, and takes up so much space—who he now hangs out with. 

I talked with him 1:1 at the end of the work day. I heard things I needed to hear, expressed thoughts and feelings I needed to express. And he strongly encouraged me to talk to the younger gal as soon as possible, so this doesn’t keep building.

***

Tuesday morning, 6:35, I ask her to help me with something outside. I can feel my tears welling, heart pounding. 

We get in the work truck. “I actually just want to talk with you, and I’m so nervous. I’m feeling so many sensations right now in my body.”

(I’ve learned that I usually do not express my needs/thoughts while releasing control of the outcome. Instead I scan the present energies and intuit what they need so I can still have acceptance/belonging = safety = not getting in trouble). But this is a share where I’m releasing control of the outcome—how she interprets or receives or feels about my sharing. I’ve been taking an 8-week class where this is the aim.)

This feels so terrifying in my body.

I tell her how some of her words have made me feel (like I was getting cut from the inside, the day she shouted “this is why I fucking HATE women!”) and that my body doesn’t feel safe around her because of it. I cry. 

I try to explain in words the deep way I can feel words and their energies. She listens. She explains context for the two examples I mention (apparently the women phrase is a thing her friends say as an inside joke??) and that she didn’t intend to hurt me. 

(I know you didn’t intend to hurt me, but the harsh judgments do hurt me in this current-sensitive-iteration of my physical body; I see a bit of myself in everyone around us, and the content of your spoken words is violent and deeply sad to me.) 

She says she’s proud of me for talking to her and sharing my feelings. She says she thinks I’m so cool, and says a few other quick compliments that don’t sink in, and which I can’t genuinely extend to her also, so I don’t. 

And while we see/experience the world so differently, and she will continue to express in her way, a heaviness that’s been gradually dragging me down since she started working here late November started to lift. There was a release. Feelings of care still don’t come easily towards her, but that strong evil resentment dissipated.

A big step into a new way of being. Expressing my needs while releasing control of the outcome! I can learn to do this; my body can learn. Tiny steps, tiny steps.