Hello dear ones,

This week 2021-Rebecca begins a winter with her crew, stepping up into a WG7 position after completing her first 6-month WG5 summer season in maintenance.

Turns out, someone new joins the crew (WG5) at the same time: Kira. She’s a recent-college graduate who had been working for the Forest Service prior.

The zine that is referred to in these entries is now available to read digitally here: This Zine Makes Roots Visible.

Rooting for you,
Rebecca

[If you're newly joining, this is part 10 of an ongoing journey. Here is part 1 to begin.]

November 29, 2021
My ego has told my body I'm weak and unathletic. Inflexible. What I notice more these days is how often my ego tells me I'm not knowledgeable enough in the maintenance worlds. 

When I heard Kira say “I messed up because I'm stupid!” while drilling the wall for the eye wash at Pinyon, it put it in perspective for me.

It sounded so harsh and unkind.

But I know sometimes I talk to myself that way. So, that was my lesson.

December 1, 2021
I was sleepy when my alarm went off, still in a dream. I was raw and felt I could cry this morning. Went to headquarters and spent the rest of the day working with Kira and Kai. 

On the drive back to Pueblo, we got talking about what life feels like, friends, and going there felt okay – albeit I was driving. Well, when they got to friends and Kai said “You only need like 10 close ones” I was like “TEN?! That's so many!” And I could feel myself getting sad, but I didn't go down the hole of that narrative.

I stayed after work for 30 minutes today and hung out with Kai, while he cleaned his keyboard and put stickers on the new hipster eye pro Alec ordered. It helped boost my mood a lot. I just need some regular interaction with folks. Spirit says keep to the path, beautiful friends will enter your life. Keep asking your guides and angels. Put the intention out loudly. Expect miracles. Smile. 

Prompt: Wintering…
To me, wintering means slowing down and going inwards. Cozy times with loved ones. Though I'm inwards all the time, and slow is my speed. I've been feeling an increased desire to make friends – like a summer. A bit more energy I'm having. Like maybe I can start driving the 20 minutes downtown on the weekend, just to remember there's a whole town out there, other people. Or maybe that energy will go towards healing my raw nervous system and building more capacity.

Prompt: Where is your light?
My light is in the sunrises and sunsets – the beautiful paintings Sky creates for us each day. These huge western skies. My light is in the kitchen I have to myself at the moment, where I make banana chocolate chip pancakes each weekend and bake and cook whatever I feel like making.

My light is in quarry puns and the feeling of having gotten better at the Bobcat: Monday unsure and looking to others. Today: More confidence and figuring out tricks to pick up the rocks I want and get them in the bucket.

My light is in the “It's all related” podcast, laughing with Sonia Choquette and her daughters, feeling less alone about living intuitively and being a deep-senser. The light is all around.

December 11, 2021
What I understand to be happening is this: My parents like to talk about “news,” as in, actions or events that have happened. 5-sense lenses, external things. This space feels boxy and untrue, and not me, which makes me feel unseen and thus triggers my pain cycle. 

My being notices and experiences 6+-sensing, internal sensations, and subtle energies all around. So, phone calls with Mom & Dad currently feel draining, as opposed to energizing (like my call with Ever earlier).

December 14, 2021
I feel stable and able right now. Talked with Alec in the morning about being empaths and his anxiety. On the drive to Pinyon with Kai, at one point we got on to Ricardo, and I told the story of the Josie's Day from my point of view. 

In the afternoon I realized how often I compare myself to Kai, in a way that is unkind to myself – as in, how will I ever have that mechanical knowledge, how could I ever be that relaxed/confident (aka alpha) and know what to say, how to talk to people. I can work on my thoughts to celebrate my deep-sensing and intuition. I'm grateful to work with Alec, and for the lessons/shadows that Ricardo and Kira are teaching me through illumination. I'm trusting my guides and the universe.

December 18, 2021
I'm feeling a lot at once (maybe it's the pu-ehr), so I thought writing it down would help. I'm tingly and excited about The Loam. That's making my website updates feel more pressing – will likely go to library before massage to work on it. Bobby and Gary are coming over for art tomorrow afternoon! Realized I could have people over in a space where I'm comfortable.

I'm feeling optimistic and determined to change my thoughts to see all the light and love around me, my blessings, my gifts, that I'm not alone, I'm lovingly supported by generations and generations of spirits, that continuing to follow my intuition and heart and spirit will take me on the path…

December 23, 2021
I felt my ego get tense/annoyed when Kira told me to turn the diagonals yesterday. She’s so assertive and demanding – if she gave me 5 more seconds I would have realized I needed to turn them on my own. 

Do I say something to her and ask for space, so I don't snap one day? 

Or do I use it as a way to dissolve ego & grow patience?

At lunch with Bry, Kai, Kira, and Bobby yesterday, I noticed that I hardly said anything. They were sharing various going out/drinking stories. I don't know the bars and I don't think it's funny to be a dick while drunk – or to be drunk in the first place. Did that tap into my feeling of non-belonging? Not being seen/heard? Why can't I be so strong and confident in my values and claim with certainty (without judging) that poisoning the body with alcohol does no one any good?

It's hard to see the water you're swimming in – but when you leave and spend time in other waters (ie cultures / countries / languages / groups), I can see better as an observer what the shared beliefs and values are – how they uphold one another. All I need is to be in a community (hello Loam) with people who share my values – to strengthen them and feel stronger/less alone when I'm in the 5-sensing/material/aggressive world.

I've been curious about visualization, believing I'm strong and full of Goddess's light/love, divinely guided/helped, with healing gifts and the ability to sense/communicate with spirits/sacred beings. And that I'm a knowledgeable mechanic/fixer. 

If I encourage those beliefs and thoughts: I have friends. People care for me. I belong. I am not alone. I am whole. See who I become if I choose to believe those thoughts, and imagine/embody and feel these traits. 

My second cousin Jay died Sunday night and it's making me think about family, to reflect on my outdoorsy/maintenance skills and how my identity has changed since 2017. Kai said the other day that I seem to be an “all-in” kind of person, citing moving to France for a guy I'd been seeing for a week as the example. But there’s way more context to the moment he cited. From my experience, it’s more like an inner knowing: if my soul is on board, I can say yes and see where it goes. I also know the best way to learn something is to surround yourself with people doing the thing: drink in that water. Like dipping my toe into maintenance by working a maintenance job 40 hrs/week. I feel so grateful for my job and all the learning and Kai's teaching. Fixing the trailer wiring this week – to get the left blinker to work – was so fun. Made me think of lego logos as a kid.

I'm rereading A Return to Love because I haven't read it yet in 2021.

I want to finish my zine. Library & dentist today. Then zine, zine, zine. 

I want to accept people like Kai does – let them be who they are and not try to change/judge them. I notice that when people aren't hard workers I have resentment and that lens creates separation (with Kira, for example).

December 26, 2021
Just wanted to note that even though Jay died a week ago, and holidays without being with family, and the dental hygienist who kept asking “So, are you ready for Christmas?” on the 23rd, and helping Ever with suicidal ideation… I feel stable and able. I can see the love. I don't feel alone. I'm hopeful. 

When I started a Loam binder today, I remembered the books I made as a child – that one for Meagan one year with sharpie and jokes, the brown notebook with newspaper clippings and writings from Grandma, the binder I made for Grandma S. that Christmas–of different ways people celebrate Christmas, Violet the cat, my ebooks in my 20s, and now…zines. 

December 27, 2021
Prompt: What in you wants to lie down?

The fear in me really wants to lie down forever. The fear of what will come up at work and will I get caught in a lie or be called out or not know how to do something I should know. That fear is exhausting and needs to lie down. The aloneness wants to lie down with others and dissolve into the truth that I'm so connected with all of life, One breath, and never feel that deep pain again. Good night to the fear of “Will I ever feel deep belonging?" and lie down the destructive weight of comparison. 

January 1, 2022 
Prompt: What magic have you always/recently been drawn to?

I have always been drawn to the magic of transformation - from MTV's “Made” to home makeover shows, I find it fascinating how much our environments and thoughts shape/change us, and how much we can learn. To me, this is magical. 

I suppose I'm drawn to it the way flowers are drawn to follow the light of the sun. My life has been a series of Transformations - some complete 180s - and on we go. I love the possibility and freedom of our fluidity, that we are not stuck in any story. I love the transformative power of Mother Earth – fallen leaves to soil to seed to tree to forest, and that is in us all. Breaking down what needs to go and making new life with it. 

January 16, 2021
This week Kira shared how she’d walk through her dad’s auto shop as a little kid, and the people would say “What’s up cool dude?” to her. And hearing that made her feel cool, so now she makes a point to call other little kids “cool dude.” Hearing that story illustrated for me how we're all one and no one truly dies. All the stories and love and presence Jay shared is still here and growing - perhaps it became more potent with his death too.

When I saw Adam’s email to Grandma, and learned after-the-fact about a livestream they’d had of Jay’s memorial service at the high school where he taught, I felt upset and sad. Immediately I had old/thin story-loop thoughts: No one tells me anything, I'm forgotten, I don’t belong. 

The next day, Dad sent out an email telling us there was a recording you could stream. Ah-ha. There is a perfect plan I'm not aware of, bigger than me. I watched it after that uncomfortable dentist appointment, felt moved, and shared a vocal message with Jay’s cousin.

On Thursday, when Kai suggested we go to headquarters to do our timesheets, to Pinyon for live traps, and get breakfast at Josie's, my whole body started to react. 

I could feel tears welling, and old story loops: that I was the “uncool” one who followed rules, unfun, unliked, and that I would lose belonging by having these reactions and not being okay with going to Josie’s on work time. Kira was obviously on board with the plan.

I touched a tree and tried to calm my nervous system. Kai offered to drive us, so I let him. Kira sat in front. I retold the Hopi story from the back seat, which distracted me, but when Kai started sharing something, I noticed my body was drenched in fear. 

We were getting closer and closer to Josie’s on the highway, and I couldn’t speak of this mounting dread and pit in my stomach. It would have come out in tears. I didn’t want them to think less of me (“When we work with Rebecca, we can’t get food in town” I played complaints in my mind). 

I decided I couldn't physically go inside Josie’s, but maybe I'd sit in the truck in the parking lot and cry. 

We got closer and closer, as I felt more and more nauseous.

But the truck didn’t slow down at the Josie’s turn. Kai drove past Josie’s and turned into headquarters. We got timesheets settled. Then we went to Pinyon and loaded up stone. From there, he called Josie’s and placed a to-go order for him and Kira. (Does Kira ever pay for her food? Not my business. Stay out)  

So on our way back to Crater, he ran in to pick it up and I climbed back into the driver's seat. Phew, exhausting day, and that was only the morning.

Over the weekend I googled Matt one night and found his wedding page. For a brief moment I felt this old pain/hurt, then later was like – I don't want to be married to him. I think I want intimacy with someone. I wonder why I feel pain/envy when Kai is kind to Kira/other people, as if by not being the only one, there's less value? I don’t know. 

It reminds me of the pang I'd feel in my teens/early 20s, when Matt would talk about the friends he loved or how cool other people were. Mind said: He's not saying that about me, he likes them more (or something) – even though I was hearing his thoughts because he was spending time with me, talking with me! Choosing to hang out with me in that moment!) I don’t know. I want to explore that feeling. I want to explore why small talk drains me / activates a pain cycle. 

~ ~ ~ 

And I'd said each Sunday in January I'll try Byron Katie's “The Work,” so here we go:

The judgments:
Kira is harsh and ego-centric because she talks about herself a lot. She's violent because she said she hates women. She doesn't take care of herself because she stays out late drinking lots of alcohol.

Is it true?
No.

How do you react when you believe the thought?
I get annoyed and don't feel safe to open up.

Who would you be without the thought?
I would get to enjoy Kira's presence and energy, and not be so upset/defensive.

Turn the belief around:
I should take care of myself and stop the violent/harmful thoughts I have towards myself.

I feel like I'm at a personal season where I'm realizing many of the thoughts I have are harmful to me. I'm curious who I'd become if I stopped having those thoughts, and instead believed wonderful truths about myself – my spirit, my love, my capacity to be, a deep knowing that I am enough, just as I am. Less comparison. It is not helpful and it's untrue.

February 3, 2022 Thursday
On the way to Pueblo in the afternoon, after Kira left early for an impromptu concert with her mom, I asked Kai who the healers are in the Hopi tribe.

“The Badgers,” he said.

Wait, what?! That’s his clan!

And then he told me of things I read about in my books: hearing spirit voices all around, noticing peoples’ energies, healing others by sitting with them and entering their energy, interacting with spirits in dreamland, stimulating peoples’ energies with positive vibes because he can put his consciousness in a place where he enjoys his time and the people around him have a good time too. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year and we’ve never gone here before–that this whole time there was someone in my immediate physical surroundings who also knows the 6+-sensing world is real!

I was captivated. Then he started to talk about my energy, and that because I’m emotional and have thin energetic protection, he had to tone down his “energy stimulation”  so I wouldn’t get attached. And in this moment his phone rang (noo!), Tom called back from this morning when Kai had called to say hi.

The peak moment ended. We were at Pueblo, so after his call we unloaded furniture, yada yada, and it wasn’t until the drive back that I tried revisiting the topic. But we didn’t go back to the same place. Like, I had felt the energy shift earlier when he started talking about relating to my energy directly, and the conversation didn’t go back there. 

So many questions swirling in my mind: At what point did he decide to ‘scale back’? How early on could he sense the thinness of my “energetic protection”? Is that my aura? Can he see energy in color or is it a feeling?

He talked about knowing when me or Kira has bad energy, and that he asks what’s up because that’s what he does. I want to know more about how he experiences the world. I want to know how to protect my energy. I want to become more stable/grounded and patient. I want to sense energy and have a conversation with Mother Earth. I want to not be as responsive to everything.

Kai also said he wears his emotions on his sleeve. (You do??)

He also said if you can learn to accept yourself right now as you are and wherever you are, that’s gold. 

That’s what I’m aiming towards. I feel so far away.

He said people think they need similarities to get along/belong, but that’s not true.

I feel a lot and it’s hard. Then I have thoughts about the depth of feeling, thoughts which judge me or make false/illusion statements of despair: How will I ever connect with others? How will anyone ever be friends with me?

February 6, 2022
Prompt: What are you trying not to feel?

I’m trying not to feel the exhaustion of my nervous system, I’m trying not to feel the loneliness of not having friends in my life who can see and love all my parts. I’m trying not to feel the fear of what Kai might think of me – that it could very well be an unattractive view. I’m trying not to feel the frustration of having to wade through and manage all these feelings and body reactions and programming when others get to just be. 

I should be experiencing many joys and relaxation: I have a safe home, I make enough $ for all my needs – good groceries and whatever books and postage I want, I have time and freedom to explore my interests, my job is fun and outside and relaxed… but how I experience each day takes so much energy and alertness. I expend all my energy doing a good and safe job at work, such that I’m wiped when I get home. I have to try and effort to remember to look for the blue and experience tiny pleasures during the day. I have much mental awareness and knowledge of what’s happening, but my body doesn’t feel safe. And when the mood switches happen, I have no idea the causes. I stay home on the weekends because it’s all my system can handle. I need to rest and reenergize for the next work week. I can’t put myself in situations where I’ll be overstimulated or triggered. The second layer is not having people in my life to whom I can express/share this. They must “get”  it, otherwise pain cycle will get activated if they misunderstand.

February 7, 2022 Monday
I stayed home from work today. Just didn’t feel like I had it in me to face all those energies and to work with Kira 1:1 when I was already so drained. Body felt extra tired too; haven’t been sleeping too well this weekend. And started my moon cycle yesterday. That plus discovering I’m an empath, perhaps identifying my mother wound and piecing more of the puzzle together – a lot to process. 

I did a Catherine Liggett visualization today where you meet your child-self experiencing the activations I feel today, and witness them empathetically. So I was with my second grade self while Mrs. S. was there, frozen by the glass doors where we came in from recess. Little Rebecca was so glad to have me there because she was scared and ashamed and panicked. 

Current-strong me was so glad to be there because loving this girl and protecting her feels so right and natural. I led her outside and we sat by the trees in back of the playground and I told her the trees are always there. Parts of my jaw felt sensation, I cried, and in one part my left lower back twinged just for a moment. My throat felt sensations. And right now, hours after, my neck feels a bit sore. I’m resting in bed with tea for the rest of the evening, and that’s how I spent the day. Feeling really low energy.

February 11, 2022 [Loam Post]

Empaths + Deep-Sensing Nervous Systems

Some backstory: A bit over a year ago, everything changed in how I experience the world. Lights were too bright, an innocent “Where are you from?” drained all my energy for the day and I’d have to retreat, a quick “no” from a trusted friend at dinner felt like a deep rejection which sent my body into flight. So many energy experiences I don’t have words for. It felt like a version of grief from 2019, when everything felt 40x more intense and my usual “tools” felt 40x less effective.

Story Mammal in February 2021 taught me about my nervous system (incredibly useful in What was happening) and the term “Highly Sensitive Person” arose in conversation. I explored it a little, and preferred using “deep-sensing.” Still had no idea Why the sudden change, nor Why some of the triggers. (Wouldn’t have called myself an emotional person as a child or in my 20s, but now in my 30s I cry often because small things move me / activate me.)

Each “regular” day can feel so intense.

I observed that one type of activation happened anytime I felt unseen. So, if someone uses a boxier term or has a more black-and-white view which is not the same as my fluid, nuanced, complex self true experience—bang, pain cycle is triggered. Pain cycle is dark, isolating, lonely, not a place I want to be. Everything felt confusing. On top of every experience were layers of frustration, knowing how each onlooker was likely interpreting my tears. I don’t know Why this is happening, but I learned to expect what might happen. And I adjusted to avoid the pain cycle getting triggered when possible. So instead of trying to share with anyone at work how I experience the world, I keep it to myself. Which feels lonely and unconnected and separate. Catch-22. The few times I tried to share with coworker friends, they thought I meant something else, which triggered my pain cycle.

I’ve been joyfully exploring earth-based spiritualities throughout these past few years, finding hope and healing in these spaces, very drawn to energy healing and Shamanism, among other topics. Have deep belief/trust in spiritual realms and practices. (Also started taking adrenal supplements this past year and found an herbal mix of nightly tea which has been healing.)

Then, last weekend, through an incredibly serendipitous conversation with a coworker who is Hopi, I learn he’s a healer who can hear and see and communicate with spirits. He says the protection around my energy is very thin, so I’m emotional because I’m feeling everyone else’s feelings. He said one of his practices is to “stimulate” the energy of everyone around him to spread good vibes, but he noticed he had to be cautious with me and stimulate my energy less, because he could see its sensitivity and didn’t want me to get attached to the good energy he puts out each day. (I have been VERY drawn to this person and his energy from day 1 last April; although I had/have a million more questions, the bit he shared was incredibly validating—to hear his experience of me energetically. Having been raised in a religious but spiritually-void family and this culture where it’s not talked about, knowing one person who acknowledges energy as fact was powerful.

That evening I’m so activated from our conversation that I have trouble sleeping. I’m also so drained from feeling, plus the isolation from not being able to go to social things or explain the nuances/complexities around my actions/choices for mundane things. 

On my spotty phone service, I search things like “highly sensitive spiritual gifts” and “how to heal a sensitive nervous system” in a desperate call for help, and in the despair, discovered two gems:

1. The term empath!

2. Catherine Liggett’s podcast “Tender Revolution” and her teachings on “Insight Timer” 

Somehow I got on a LinkedIn article about Empaths, and was surprised to see so many qualities that applied to me, deeper than casual personality traits. Energy was here, the inability to be around any violent content, digestive disorder (had IBS for a decade in late teens/20s—healed now), near-death experience, energy often drained, physically unable to be inauthentic, and so forth. Growing up, I’d always associated the word “empath” with someone who was empathetic, aka could understand where others were coming from, caring, nurturing. I hadn’t known anyone who identified as such, and had no idea it was associated with all these other characteristics.

So, while I’m wary of using labels, because we’re all so complex and fluid, knowing the term exists is very hopeful, and I have new books on their way, new resources to explore. I’ll continue working on grounding my energy and putting up protective shields.

Catherine’s audio gave me a huge a-ha in why my pain cycle gets triggered when it does. She taught of the Mother Wound, which usually doesn’t appear until mid-30s or 40s, and this feels like it could help explain what’s been happening in my body. (Had never been able to identify a “core wound” to this point, in all the spiritual explorations over the years). Her episode on codependency also gave me lots to consider; a new lens through which I’m looking back at all past relationships.

I still have many questions: How much of my current feeling is mine? When I feel the flip switch, is that someone else’s energy? Or is it something else? If I’m able to heal my nervous system to a sustainable amount of feeling each day, will I lose my spiritual gifts/be less able to hear those energies? The days I get nauseous in the evening, how does that relate to all of this? (Does it even?) Don’t we all adjust depending on who we’re talking with? How much adjustment is “healthy” as opposed to codependent? Etc. etc.

I’m looking forward to how these ponderings will change, how my story will continue to meld and flow as I experience.