i have been thinking about death cab for cutie. i think because i have been thinking about being 17. when i was in LA this august surrounded by the majesty of palm tree lined highways and sunsets so pink its rose i experienced the 10 year anniversary of the original sin. of the pomegranate. and i am thinking about being 17 because of the cornell story.

i am 22. i am in a moving car, natalie’s driving, its her birthday. we’re upstate in a forest of some kind and its covered in snow. it’s freezing. i’m considering jumping out of the moving car. i’m considering running as fast i can and far and away. i’d take another name. id live another life. id work in a grocery. my name tag would read something forgettable. i’m 22. i don’t move. im looking out the window. i want to see eagles. in this park, you’re supposed to be able to see them. according to the signs. i’m 17. 

i am thinking about shame. i am thinking about jane doe at cornell. i’m thinking about how she tried to manage what had happened to her. im thinking she tried to save herself from drowning. from jumping out of a moving car. i’m thinking about her conversation with her rapist in the days after. i’m thinking ab the ghost in my doorway, arms crossed, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I’m thinking about how this is how he stands in my dreams. I’m thinking about being 17. “we’re okay. this never happened.” it did. i am 27. i’m 28 in 18 days. i’m thinking about grief. 

im 17. I’m thinking about running over the bridge that used to split in the middle and im thinking about the light that blinds you at the peak and im thinking about being 17 after everything has changed. 

i’m thinking about persephone. im thinking about the seasons. i’m thinking about how it’s fall. i’m thinking about how it always happens in the fall. i’m thinking pomegranates, back to school. im thinking about demeter. i’m thinking about persephone. 

i’m thinking about jane doe. i’m thinking about theft. i’m thinking about jane doe. may she know strength. may she know solidarity. may she know hope. 

thank you to all who came out this week. we’re playing next on 10/30, the halloween extravaganza. more details on that, and more, soon.