dear kindred friends,

after two weeks of writing everyday about world-building, this week I watched as my mind slowed down into the consistency of mushy vegetables. (hello, luteal phase.)

I woke up some days and felt like an empty lake; totally dry of inspiration, creative spark, or motivation. it was a lot of effort to do one task per day.

past versions of me would've felt super guilty, and berated myself for this. but recently, I've been thinkinga about the vital importance of low tide days / fermentation days / mushy mind days.

Dear wilderness friends,

I'm not sure where January went. I feel like I spent most of it thinking about work -- like living in a locked room with flying keys as questions (like in Harry Potter) -- and I've emerged into February a little groggy and sleepy. Work always feels like a puzzle, half-solved. I'm channeling the feeling of ease.

also, the weather is a tempermental trickster. in Istanbul, winter means brief moments of blinding sun, alternating with drizzling rain, and clouds so moody you think the sky will fall. (and repeat). today, my card pull was The Fool.

this week, I wrote down my dreams for a more nourishing internet, and how we can build it via a daily practice. I made a few visual process maps: web world as water, and a creative digestion flow.

dear wayfaring friends,

hello there. how is your new year unfolding?

I took a little long winter break, where I traveled, over-socialized with friends, and spent (an awkward length of) time with my family. now I'm back in my istanbul life, comfortably hermiting.

since sending my last artist digest, I've been thinking about the form of a digital letter. this season, I'll be playing around and experimenting. I'm always open to suggestions, so please don't write me back anytime, and let me know what you think.

hello friends,

it's been a little while since I sent you my last digest. I know I tend to procrastinate/hermit from groups of people, so from now on, I'll just imagine that this letter is only you and me, here.

where's here, for you? what's going on in your world, this winter?

here's postcard from mine:

dear worldly friends,

this week, I've found myself in an sticky, melancholic mood, accompanied by a hum of anxiety. I know that when my mind wants to control and tighten; when it feels isolated and lonely in the world, when it demands reassurance of the future -- that I'm living from a stuck place.

in moments like this, it feels as though I have no fuel for my fire, no water for my garden, no generative powers -- only a dust storm, rattling in my head. I feel like I will never feel inspired again.

of course, I know this is not true.

dear friends of the creative wild,

this sunday I'll turn thirty-two. this week, I've found myself in a trancelike, Scorpionic work flow -- living a rigorous daily rhythm of creative practices and project sprints, such that I feel like I'm deep sea diving everyday, collecting treasures of the creative psychic world.

I intersperse this with half days of rest: I'm calling it land days, where I do light tending work, or lay in a (metaphorical) hammock, napping, reading, walking, or watching mystery crime dramas. a lesson that I come back to, again and again, is: intense rest is what make intense work sustainable.

dear wanderer friends,

today I woke up to an rainy istanbul ten degrees colder than yesterday. after last week's amnesia, this week I stretched out the days like a piece of taffy candy -- staying up till 1am, waking up before 7am, working a little too intensely, too haphazardly, running towards a list of ambitious daily deadlines.

sometimes, I feel like the act of creation is really just being a plumber of my psyche. all I'm doing is unclogging the flow, giving it form, allowing it to be seen. the alternative is -- a suffocating creative constipation, a slow building anxiety, my ideas, imaginations, and dreams dying a painful un-death...

I create -- in order to feel like a lush garden inside; in order to feel alive.

dear starburst friends,

I played tour guide again last week, roaming Istanbul with a dear old friend I've known for 14 years. we adventured and feasted everyday -- eating so much food that we never wanted to eat again.

then, after she left, I woke up on Monday with a terrible grogginess, like I had forgotten...everything:

dear spirit friends,

last night I came home from a few days in Adana, an ancient Mediterranean city on the far eastern side of Turkey, close to Syria -- famous for its kebabs and being a super macho place, where, (it is said) on the hottest days of the summer, the men take out their guns and shoot at the sun...

I spent my days with my 8-months pregnant friend, living with her Turkish family, walking amongst the pomegranate and citrus trees, and towering cactus shrubs, like this:

dear kindred friends,

I'm writing you a day late, savoring a gentle end to a bad week -- that is, I spent Monday-Wednesday walking through a "dark tunnel of the mind-emotional-prison-abyss," (aka, pms week...) and experienced a mini, scorpionic death and rebirth.

from 3 years ago:

the dark tunnel room — kening zhu

the state of the day

dear friends of the web,

I took this week off to spend time with my partner, who just returned from six months of Turkish military service. since stepping away from work, I've been watching movies, napping, cooking, and thinking about what to cook: maybe, a layered chocolate cake, slow-cooked lamb in the oven, and pickled Korean-style side vegetables.

despite how much I'm enjoying the week, the act of NOT working is actually very hard, and feels a little unnatural. when work is such a part of my sense of self and way of relating/connecting to the world, not working feels like... being an leisurely-astronaut floating in space. I'm feeling groggy, not in a bad way.

dear creative friends,

I write to you from the first day of autumn rain in Istanbul. last Thursday I didn't write, because an old friend visited, and, in stark contrast to my summer hermit life, we spent 12-hour days outside, everyday (see below), and talked so much and for so long, such that by the end of the day, I could not lift a finger to write even a sentence...

dear earthly friends,

sending you a brief note this week, from the middle of a migraine -- and a week of too much world. an old friend I knew from many lives ago arrived and I've been showing her around Istanbul, which can often feel like wandering inside a marvelous headache...

inspiration log this week

dear gentle friends,

last night I dreamed that I was inside a website. I was going in circles and ended up on the homepage, again and again. the structure of a website is very conducive to a dream. and vice versa. (if I can dream about a website, then I can make a website like a dream). all this too say -- I've been so busy with world-building work, I haven't had time to finish my own.

this week, I talked to my partner about the future and realized that I'm at the age where I feel the urge to plan a little -- not in terms of days or weeks, but years -- marriage, children, travel, house -- that list of things that normal people do. those rites of passages that I think I'll want -- at least, my own version of them.

but, thinking in terms of years felt scary -- and suddenly, counting the years (2023, 2024, 2025, 2026...) I wondered: what year will it be when I die? at first, that thought was difficult to hold -- and then it was somehow... liberating.

hello wilderness friends,

this week I had strange, vivid dreams, and woke up before sunrise everyday to write and draw. it felt comforting to return to those practices -- like drinking soul water, eating soul food.

I've been a bit too consumed by client work lately, and I made this pie chart to capture how I felt, and clarify how I wanted to feel in my distribution of creative energy:

a pie chart of creative work energy — kening zhu

reflecting on how i spend my energy these days

dear creative friends,

I'm really trying to break the habit of writing these letters at 1am Thursday (my Friday) mornings, but for whatever reason, I tend to play with pressure and promises (deadlines) with a strange pleasure. (maybe this is like finding the edge of pleasure/pain, in work?)

last week I didn't write you because I was playing host/tour guide/translator to the kind of friend that takes up 99% of my brainspace -- and I felt tired and (unfortunately) psychically malnourished for days.

thus, for this week's letter, I'll share some nourishing things I've been ingesting lately.

dear ocean friends,

this is guide.notes 17, a weekly letter on building internet universes to nourish the soul.

I started redesigning my website today, after what has been a very, very, long constipation/delay. you can see the ongoing (secret) homepage here - this is how far I got this afternoon:

dear web spirit friends,

~this is guide.notes 16, a letter on tending your magical ecosystem on the internet~

this week, I started drawing two pages of what I intend to be a digital book about summer -- "too hot to hug" and "a single day without watermelon is a wasted day"

summer means it's too hot to hug — kening zhu

we do one finger hugs instead

dear gentle friends of the void,

~this is guide.notes 15, a weekly letter on the labor of love of sustaining a rich creative life in the pixelated world~

this week I fell off a steep cliff (in terms of energy levels / motivation) -- and spent many mornings succumbing to the urge to close my curtains and take a nap, until mid-afternoon. here's how it felt:

end of the cycle mood (the zombie float)

dear wayfinding friends,

~this is guide.notes 14, where I obsess over the process of growing fruit-bearing, shade-giving orchards in a concrete jungle internet.~

today is my 1 year anniversary with Luna (like, I picked her up exactly a year ago from a cafe, and drew the story here) and tomorrow, I'll probably make a 1 year video of all the photos I hoarded over the year. I will share it with you next week.

last week, I wrote a movie review, and two distillations of k-dramas... but this week, I've resumed nerding out on creative systems and processes, and I experienced what you might call... a breakthrough.