Ever receive an email that rubbed you the wrong way?

Maybe the tone seemed dismissive or unnecessarily critical. You feel a flash of anger and start composing a heated reply in your head. Or worse, you fire off a nastygram, perhaps hitting the dreaded Reply All.

My sister has a great saying: “Write hot, send cold.” Before sending, give yourself a chance to notice what's happening. I'm feeling angry. And defensive. Simply naming those feelings might take a little of the edge off.

And after you've settled a bit, perhaps you recognize something else: Actually, I'm feeling hurt. Maybe even unappreciated. The email hasn't changed, but now you have more room to choose your response.

The surprising power of naming

Psychologists call this affect labeling — putting feelings and emotions into words. UCLA research by Matthew Lieberman and colleagues found that naming emotions can reduce emotional distress. Surprisingly, even after experiencing the benefit, participants predicted that labeling their feelings would make them feel worse!

Psychiatrist and bestselling author Dan Siegel popularized the phrase “Name it to tame it,” later favoring “Name it to frame it.” The point isn't to suppress emotions, but to understand them and change how we relate to them.

There's a longer-term benefit, too. As we become better at distinguishing frustration from disappointment, loneliness from sadness, or guilt from shame, we develop greater emotional granularity — a more precise understanding of what we're feeling. Research links this ability to better emotional regulation, more effective coping with stress, and greater psychological well-being. The better we understand what we're feeling, the better equipped we are to recognize what we need and choose how to respond.

Try this

The next time you notice yourself getting emotionally activated:

1. Pause and notice. What's happening inside you?
2. Name it. I'm feeling frustrated. Anxious. Embarrassed. Whatever fits.
3. Look closer. Is another feeling present? Can you find a more precise word?
4. Notice what changes. Does naming the feeling shift your experience, even slightly?

If you're too worked up to find the words, give yourself time to settle and try again.

Want to expand your emotional vocabulary? The free How We Feel app can help you identify and distinguish emotions.

Remember

You don't have to change what you're feeling to change what you do next. Sometimes naming an emotion is the first step toward a wiser, more constructive response — and one we won't later regret!