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Why am I pumping my tire?

Because I'm a man (although women can pump tires, too, I know that).

That said I use a portable tire inflator which lets me go hands-free, grunt like a gorilla and walk around with my knuckles dragging on the ground, so what of it?

Can I change a tire?

Of course I can, I just use one of those foot steppie things and then that 4-way metal X job and strain to get one lug nut off until I blow a blood vessel in my eye.

When I get a flat, I call Tire Warehouse, because someone once told me they have a warehouse full of tires.

You should, too.

But first you'll need your radial proctology exam, which is less about getting a saline enema and more about proving you've memorized your sidewall aspect ratio and wheel/rim diameter, both of which are required to prove you're worthy of getting a new tire.

Since your tire is flat again, it might surprise you that Tire Warehouse (or anyone that houses tires, for that matter) won't tow your car for you.

I agree, why the hell would they try to help you get your car-that-needs-a-tire-change to their location, just so they can change your tire? That would be an obscene amount of customer service.

_{Shame on you for asking.}

When you do call the tow truck company, you'll want to lower your voice by three octaves and prattle on about your oil viscosity and note that sometimes you weld chains with your teeth on weekends.

Because of the importance of customer service, they'll offer to send over their most under-rusted flatbed in just under six hours.

Upon arrival, the flatbed driver ('Towing Assistant' if you're into DEI) and you will stand around admiring the rock you have in your tire. He'll honestly believe you drove your 2024 electric BMW iX off-road while hunting boar and doing some light trout fishing.

He'll be so impressed, he'll hardly notice you couldn't figure out how to open the glovebox in your own car.

He has tattoos and you'll say you almost got a tattoo once.

The towing will only cost the discounted soft-con price of $350 for the twenty-minute drive, which you'll love because you're pretty sure the flatbed driver would gladly benchpress your soft-handed ass over the fence - so you throw in an extra $25 and say it's for teaching you how to use a parking brake.

Once at Tire Warehouse, the four tire technicians will synchronize like swimmers, shake their heads in unison and then croon like a barbershop quartet: "oh, you're going to need to change ALL of your tires because the treads are worn dooooowwwwn."

You ask about their theatre troupe. They kindly ask you to wait on a bench outside.

Anyway, you seem to have very rare tires, which only cost $478 each, and apparently need to be rotated and spun in pancake batter to test their grip.

But while the technicians were busy cursing about your car's German engineering, you snuck into their storage room and loaded all of their nitrous tanks into your trunk, so who's pumping the tire now, pal?

All of this to say you may feel a sense of loss when you lose a tire.

With this type of heartbreak, it's best to remember the old adage: you may have loved that wheel, but there are plenty more tires on the road.