ten songs to get you hype for c sharp minor summer
You know how Pantone announces the Color of the Year every December? And we’re all just like, “Sure, Pantone, whatever you say,” and then immediately forget...
i am not drinking a ruby red kölsch this summer and you can't make me
If you’re reading this and we do not have the city of [REDACTED] in common, just know that there is a local seasonal delicacy called the Ruby Red Kölsch — a...
if i were a heterosexual blonde pop star, this is who i would date
If I were a heterosexual blonde pop star currently touring my entire discography, and I’d just gotten out of a long-term relationship, here are some of the...
dear reader, by the time you see this, succession will have ended. this is how i think it's gonna happen
Roman will shoot Kendall, then Kendall will shoot Roman, then Connor will enter and get shot by Roman. Then Shiv will come in and get shot by Connor, Roman,...
okay marvel, now it's personal
Sometimes the Walt Disney Company emails me. This is very creepy of them and something that I actively discourage, but am unsure if I can prevent. I know...
everything that has ever happened to you is an orb
I wanted to recap a movie this week, because it’s fun. But since I don’t have a blue TV anymore, I needed a new gimmick. So I found a movie that kind of...
the review
HELLO It’s me, Your Jonas Brothers Friend. Some background for the uninitiated: I cannot be neutral about these fucking guys. During their prime, I hated...
public service announcement: PANTS
I spent the weekend in the Chicago area, and my top priority was seeing THE PANTS. Oh sure, there are other fun things you can do — get hissed at by geese,...
guys in '80s movies could just be named anything
I mean it. Your fun romp around Chicago is led by Ferris Bueller. One of the murdered jocks in Heathers is named Ram Sweeney, and he is buried in his...
an obitblueary
I am deeply saddened to report that everyone’s favorite character from this blog, the blue TV, is no longer with us. I mean, it’s sitting right next to me,...
lately i've been conceptualizing my brain as an egg
Why? Because it’s just so much more intriguing to say that your brain is “[X] like an egg”, instead of that you’re sad or whatever. Here’s a glossary. Try it...
everybody go watch paganini horror (1989) on tubi right now or i swear to god
Okay, originally I had this big, long, sanctimonious intro written out about how no, I haven’t seen XYZ Prestige Television Program, because I have Tubi at...
there are no good songs called "invisible"
^The hill I’ve decided to die on this week. I mean, can you think of any? No? Exactly. Actually, I’d like to argue that it’s impossible to compose a good...
absentmindedly ranking the entire disney animated canon while enjoying some hummus from my favorite lebanese restaurant
I’ll be upfront: I’ve been super busy all week, and I could write this kind of thing in my sleep. One of the things I was busy doing was attending a bridal...
the 13 craziest things that happened to stacey from the baby-sitters club
My fellow scholars of The Baby-Sitters Club have noted that Mallory, out of the ten sitters, was disproportionately predisposed to misfortune. Mallory was...
let's write some ocd-worsening atlantic headlines
Disclaimer: This article is intended as a parody, and I do not wish to accuse The Atlantic — a publication for which I have tremendous respect — of...
how to roast a cauliflower
Since every corner of the internet became hostile to straightforward information, I’ve dreamed of sharing a basic recipe preceded by hundreds of words of...
cutting off toxic people and the fingers on your violin hand
As we reach the three-year anniversary of COVID lockdowns in the United States, a time when (if you were not an essential worker) there was little to do but...
the lesbian love story i have extrapolated from the killers' sam's town
Hot Fuss, the debut album by Las Vegas-based glamorous indie rock & roll band The KIllers, has three distinct themes: murder, being gay, and COMING OUT OF...
a major hot take
No one should ever write about music. Including me. Especially me. But I am going to write about music many times, probably this one time because I think I...