i wrote the gay f.r.i.e.n.d.s thinkpiece the internet was missing
INTRODUCTION I’ve been thinking a lot about Friends lately. For some reason. I used to be obsessed with Friends, but it was a hateful obsession — one where...
quiz: do you have the gift of one-liners or the curse of curves?
Remember when the COVID vaccine dropped, and all your essential worker friends got it, and were like, “Oh my god, I feel like shit. I feel like I actually...
attempting to learn all of the five nights at freddy's lore before the movie comes out
Eight games. Six spin-offs. Three tie-in novels, each with a graphic novel adaptation. Twenty anthologies of short stories, à la Scary Stories to Tell in the...
13 scary classical pieces to play on halloween so trick-or-treaters will know you're incredibly cultured
Consider this a companion piece. I’ve always tended to get more freaked out by classical music than by “HAUNTED HOUSE AMBIENCE (8 HOURS) SPOOKY HALLOWEEN...
my pastel pumpkin existential crisis
Okay, I’m inclined to tread lightly here, because I remember when I started seeing those teal pumpkins at every craft store, and I was like, “What the fuck...
quiz: how many of these classic halloween songs actually mention halloween?
As we all know, there are like a thousand Christmas songs, but the average Halloween playlist clocks in at around 25 minutes. You can pad it out with some...
spirit halloween animatronic pitches
You know how every Spirit Halloween has a bunch of six-foot, $300 animatronics set up just inside the front door? Ostensibly they are available for purchase,...
ten years later, blurred lines is still the worst song of all time
This article very nearly did not happen. It didn’t occur to me to do a “Blurred Lines” retrospective for the song’s actual tenth birthday, (in March) or the...
all star is a great meme. it's an even better song
You know why we’re here. The tragic passing of Smash Mouth singer Steve Harwell is likely to result in a flood of “All Star” retrospectives, and (wishful...
every jimmy stewart performance in an alfred hitchcock movie, ranked by how much i wish he would just. stop.
Full disclosure: when I started this, I thought there were a lot more Alfred Hitchcock films with Jimmy Stewart in them. I also spent most of my life under...
what a shame the poor groom's bride is: 100 unfunny punchlines
A house in New Orleans they call the Rising SunGonna be May…Right behind me, isn’t she?Frozen in there, and we’re out hereProblematicBlueA metaphorOf...
who said it: lady gaga or tom wambsgans?
Love it when you call me legs. In the morning, buy me Gregs. No preamble. Below are 25 phrases — either lyrics to Lady Gaga songs, or quotes from...
all 53 eras tour surprise song duos ranked
I did not go to the Eras Tour because I DIDN’T WANT TO! I mean, I did want to. But not badly enough to actually try getting tickets. That’s kind of my whole...
it brings me no joy to report that the jonas brothers have a metaverse
Hey, remember the Jonas Brothers? Remember that time I performed the thankless task of reviewing their newest album, The Album, which necessitated listening...
i don't know what i thought of the barbie movie
This piece was written during the 2023 WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes. Without the labor of the writers and actors currently striking, the films covered in this...
ranking all of the waterfalls i saw on my big time road trip
Two weeks ago I did the funniest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and encountered twelve waterfalls along the way. That’s about nine more waterfalls than I...
i went to 4 big time rush concerts in 6 days
PART ONE: ALREADY YOU HAVE QUESTIONS Question One: Why? So, in 2020, two of my friends and I started a podcast about both the show Big Time Rush and the band...
can good omens make me experience an emotion? (results)
Previously on this blog… As soon as I finished writing the preamble, I watched the first episode of Good Omens. The next day I watched the second episode of...
can good omens make me experience an emotion? (preamble)
Well. Okay. Not just any emotion. The Emotion that this one other cursed, haunted television program elicited in my sixteen-year-old self. The bad, lethal,...
we have to rescue jax from 2012
Update: I have now seen Jax live twice, and I think we did it, guys. Twice in my life now I’ve noticed that whenever a Democrat president succeeds a...