120 carly rae jepsen songs ranked from fine to great
I’M BACK. I’m back to laud the people’s blonde pop star, the queen of everything she does, the dedicated swordswoman who just met you, and this is crazy…...
all 18 surprise song duos from the final leg of the eras tour ranked
This is it, gang. The Eras Tour is donezo for real. It exists only in our memories, and on Disney Plus of all places. Truly, the end of an… eon. And thank...
LOOK AROUND. LEAVES ARE BROWN.
(Originally published November 2023.) Trying to pick a favorite Simon & Garfunkel song is like trying to pick a favorite vegetable. They’re all good,...
all 48 surprise song duos from the european leg of the eras tour ranked
I said I thought The Tortured Poets Department was going to suck, and I was correct to an extent that I’m not used to being correct. Because all signs...
it's been ten years since studio ghibli grandmazoned us
I need you all to do me a favor and watch this trailer. Now. To the best of your ability, describe the relationship between these characters. If you find...
in defense of troy bolton's gaydar
Okay, remember this scene from High School Musical 2? We all love to clown on this, right? Like, “Haha look, this lunkhead basketball man is too stupid to...
I FORGOT PINK PONY CLUB
HI. Brief addendum to my previous post - I fucking forgot “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan. I wrote the whole list going, “Man, I wish there was some E♭...
i'm calling it early. welcome to e flat minor summer
It’s that time of year again! I’m going to randomly assign a key signature to the season, with only vibes to guide me, and you the reader are gonna be like,...
why is it so hard(in) to craft a pseudonym for harry styles?
My old foe has been dormant since he stole Beyoncé’s Album of the Year Grammy last year, but that doesn’t mean I’ve entirely given up on examining his...
28 things to do on the day before your 28th birthday
(Instead of joining the 27 Club, like the intrusive thoughts want — nay expect you to.) #1: Put on a good outfit, in case you do accidentally die Weather be...
my favorite oscars performance of all time
For reasons I'm afraid to interrogate, I love awards shows. I love every unbearable minute of the Oscars, the Emilys, the Grandmothers, and the Anthonys. I...
all 17 surprise song duos from the asian-australian leg of the eras tour ranked
I’m tired of Taylor Swift. You’re tired of Taylor Swift. Let’s be tired of Taylor Swift together. What sucks especially about this leg of the Eras Tour is...
just a good park
Hi. The world is bad. I am not optimistic about a single, solitary thing right now. This is the park where I go for walks on days when it is warm enough to...
every movie i watched for the first time in 2023 ranked
A lot of them are horror movies. I often watch horror movies, trying in vain to find that one will scare me. It almost never happens. Almost. So I tried to...
haunting a new house
Hi everyone! Thank you so much for following me here from that other site. I'm still getting used to Buttondown's interface and redirecting approximately ten...
why are so many christmas songs in f?
When I was a churchgoing fifth grader, I signed up to be in the Christmas Eve service choir of angels. Signed up, not auditioned, because they just took...
bastard guacamole
I am here once again to impart a quick and easy recipe that you can both read and make in under five minutes! That’s how simple it is! I do it all the time!...
treasure planet is old enough to drink
You know what would’ve made way more sense than a retrospective on a 21-year-old movie? A retrospective on a 20-year-old movie! You know what that would’ve...
all 13 surprise song duos from the latin american leg of the eras tour ranked
Oh hi! Let’s do this again, now that Taylor Swift has graciously performed a magnanimous thirteen shows in three entire Latin American countries (out of...
evaluating some dead guy you've never heard of's key signature interpretations
His name was Christian Friedrich Daniel Schubart, and he was this eighteenth-century German writer and organist who had the same brain disease that I do when...
i wrote the gay f.r.i.e.n.d.s thinkpiece the internet was missing
INTRODUCTION I’ve been thinking a lot about Friends lately. For some reason. I used to be obsessed with Friends, but it was a hateful obsession — one where...
quiz: do you have the gift of one-liners or the curse of curves?
Remember when the COVID vaccine dropped, and all your essential worker friends got it, and were like, “Oh my god, I feel like shit. I feel like I actually...
attempting to learn all of the five nights at freddy's lore before the movie comes out
Eight games. Six spin-offs. Three tie-in novels, each with a graphic novel adaptation. Twenty anthologies of short stories, à la Scary Stories to Tell in the...
13 scary classical pieces to play on halloween so trick-or-treaters will know you're incredibly cultured
Consider this a companion piece. I’ve always tended to get more freaked out by classical music than by “HAUNTED HOUSE AMBIENCE (8 HOURS) SPOOKY HALLOWEEN...
my pastel pumpkin existential crisis
Okay, I’m inclined to tread lightly here, because I remember when I started seeing those teal pumpkins at every craft store, and I was like, “What the fuck...
quiz: how many of these classic halloween songs actually mention halloween?
As we all know, there are like a thousand Christmas songs, but the average Halloween playlist clocks in at around 25 minutes. You can pad it out with some...
spirit halloween animatronic pitches
You know how every Spirit Halloween has a bunch of six-foot, $300 animatronics set up just inside the front door? Ostensibly they are available for purchase,...
ten years later, blurred lines is still the worst song of all time
This article very nearly did not happen. It didn’t occur to me to do a “Blurred Lines” retrospective for the song’s actual tenth birthday, (in March) or the...
all star is a great meme. it's an even better song
You know why we’re here. The tragic passing of Smash Mouth singer Steve Harwell is likely to result in a flood of “All Star” retrospectives, and (wishful...
every jimmy stewart performance in an alfred hitchcock movie, ranked by how much i wish he would just. stop.
Full disclosure: when I started this, I thought there were a lot more Alfred Hitchcock films with Jimmy Stewart in them. I also spent most of my life under...
what a shame the poor groom's bride is: 100 unfunny punchlines
A house in New Orleans they call the Rising SunGonna be May…Right behind me, isn’t she?Frozen in there, and we’re out hereProblematicBlueA metaphorOf...
who said it: lady gaga or tom wambsgans?
Love it when you call me legs. In the morning, buy me Gregs. No preamble. Below are 25 phrases — either lyrics to Lady Gaga songs, or quotes from...
all 53 eras tour surprise song duos ranked
I did not go to the Eras Tour because I DIDN’T WANT TO! I mean, I did want to. But not badly enough to actually try getting tickets. That’s kind of my whole...
it brings me no joy to report that the jonas brothers have a metaverse
Hey, remember the Jonas Brothers? Remember that time I performed the thankless task of reviewing their newest album, The Album, which necessitated listening...
i don't know what i thought of the barbie movie
This piece was written during the 2023 WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes. Without the labor of the writers and actors currently striking, the films covered in this...
ranking all of the waterfalls i saw on my big time road trip
Two weeks ago I did the funniest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and encountered twelve waterfalls along the way. That’s about nine more waterfalls than I...
i went to 4 big time rush concerts in 6 days
PART ONE: ALREADY YOU HAVE QUESTIONS Question One: Why? So, in 2020, two of my friends and I started a podcast about both the show Big Time Rush and the band...
can good omens make me experience an emotion? (results)
Previously on this blog… As soon as I finished writing the preamble, I watched the first episode of Good Omens. The next day I watched the second episode of...
can good omens make me experience an emotion? (preamble)
Well. Okay. Not just any emotion. The Emotion that this one other cursed, haunted television program elicited in my sixteen-year-old self. The bad, lethal,...
we have to rescue jax from 2012
Update: I have now seen Jax live twice, and I think we did it, guys. Twice in my life now I’ve noticed that whenever a Democrat president succeeds a...
ten songs to get you hype for c sharp minor summer
You know how Pantone announces the Color of the Year every December? And we’re all just like, “Sure, Pantone, whatever you say,” and then immediately forget...
i am not drinking a ruby red kölsch this summer and you can't make me
If you’re reading this and we do not have the city of [REDACTED] in common, just know that there is a local seasonal delicacy called the Ruby Red Kölsch — a...
if i were a heterosexual blonde pop star, this is who i would date
If I were a heterosexual blonde pop star currently touring my entire discography, and I’d just gotten out of a long-term relationship, here are some of the...
dear reader, by the time you see this, succession will have ended. this is how i think it's gonna happen
Roman will shoot Kendall, then Kendall will shoot Roman, then Connor will enter and get shot by Roman. Then Shiv will come in and get shot by Connor, Roman,...
okay marvel, now it's personal
Sometimes the Walt Disney Company emails me. This is very creepy of them and something that I actively discourage, but am unsure if I can prevent. I know...
everything that has ever happened to you is an orb
I wanted to recap a movie this week, because it’s fun. But since I don’t have a blue TV anymore, I needed a new gimmick. So I found a movie that kind of...
the review
HELLO It’s me, Your Jonas Brothers Friend. Some background for the uninitiated: I cannot be neutral about these fucking guys. During their prime, I hated...
public service announcement: PANTS
I spent the weekend in the Chicago area, and my top priority was seeing THE PANTS. Oh sure, there are other fun things you can do — get hissed at by geese,...
guys in '80s movies could just be named anything
I mean it. Your fun romp around Chicago is led by Ferris Bueller. One of the murdered jocks in Heathers is named Ram Sweeney, and he is buried in his...
an obitblueary
I am deeply saddened to report that everyone’s favorite character from this blog, the blue TV, is no longer with us. I mean, it’s sitting right next to me,...