Hello friend!

Following my previous email (I’m too stressed to be curious) the response I received showed that CAPACITY is something that’s helpful for us to explore.

I’ve decided to make one of my resources on The Portal available for free which explores ‘The Window of Capacity’.

This is a concept that I find hugely helpful both personally and professionally and I hope you find the resource supportive!

The difference between capability & capacity

I once learned about a way to describe the difference between capability & capacity that has always stuck with me*.

We might imagine that capability is like a big porcelain jug - if we’re technically ‘capable’ of doing something (for example it might be the capability to remember birthdays - I naturally tend to have a great memory for birthdays and important dates, or for a child it might be something like getting themselves dressed).

We assume that because there is a big jug, it has a bit capacity inside - even though we can’t see the available space inside.

And capacity changes - perhaps there’s other stuff taking up space that might normally / previously have been there.

In terms of the ‘Window of Capacity’ - we talk about this shrinking or growing. Our capacity naturally fluctuates.

For example, since becoming unwell (long covid & POTS) and then becoming a parent to a neurodivergent toddler with sleep apnea, my capacity has shrunk a LOT.

I’m now not able to remember birthdays without lots of reminders. I forget appointments. I berate myself for this time and again.

I think that I have the capability - so I say to myself (in an unkind tone I really only reserve for talking to myself at times of stress) “WHY can’t I just remember?”

I don’t have the capacity for that right now.

My brain and body are tired. My mental capacity is smaller and is filled up with hypervigilance around transitions, demands, planning, pacing.

There’s not enough room in my jug for birthdays.

I share this as what is hopefully a reminder for me, for you, for anyone who needs it and might come across this, that we can only use the capacity we have.

There’s only so much space in your jug right now.

And we see this for others in our lives - perhaps a friend who previously would have been quicker in responding to messages, or a child who can usually remember their bag and keeps forgetting.

You’re doing the best you can. They’re doing the best they can.

Society tells us that when we aren’t doing the things that we are ‘capable’ of (big emphasis on the air quotes there…) that we need toughness and grit to push through.

We should never ‘lower our standards’ or change our expectations of ourselves or others (of course deeply ableist, childist and just generally ridiculous when you stop to think about it…)

Also, those of us who experience chronic illness and/or dynamic disability know that often the size of the jug itself changes regularly - let alone the capacity inside.

Capacity reminds us that pushing doesnt change the space we have.

If anything it’s just like putting another scoop of inaccessibility/ impossibility and pressure into our limited space.

Instead leaning into compassion, care and understanding - although counter to almost all messages we receive, is actually much more likely to free up at least a little bit of space by taking the pressure OFF.

(*when I remember who shared this I will share their name with you! appropriately I can’t remember it right now...)

I hope that this resource and these reflections might inspire just a little bit of space and softness for you today.

Please know I’m wishing you all the compassion, care and tenderness as you navigate what you’re in right now.

Warmest wishes

Harriet

(she / they)

Ways to work with me

AVAILABLE NOW:

(Tender You)

‘Window of Capacity’ FREE resource

Somatic Coaching / 1:1 Resilience Toolkit - 1 space

Join The Mycelium (monthly membership - pay what you can)

(Tender Little Beings)

Tender Toolkit for Overwhelmed Parents & Caregivers - self-paced and available now

Parent Coaching - 2 spaces

JOIN THE WAITLISTS:

Reply to this email to join the list

(Tender You)

Covid Conscious Resilience Toolkit (likely mid November)

(Tender Little Beings)

Cothù - Free programme of autistc-designed and led parent support (likely Late November)

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Any questions about any of these?

book a free chat with me

Who is writing this? I’m Harriet, and I work under the name ‘Tender Being with Harriet’. I am a coach, facilitator and guide who is particularly passionate about supporting neurodivergent, sensitive and deeply feeling people and families.