Hello friend!

I come to you from the depths of burnout in our home with both chaos, depletion and inspiration.

*(If you too are feeling depleted and want to know how to work with me you - can skip ahead to the bottom of this email.)

One of our greatest relational skills is curiosity.

And yet the times in which it would be most supportive, it’s often least accessible.

I’m noticing this right now in my home, where we try to support our toddler who is in PDA burnout and overwhelmed by what might seem to be ‘small demands’ of daily life, but are currently an untenable load on his system.

His lessened capacity requires more of our capacity.

This is part of the balance and fluctuation of relationships. We are told (particularly when it concerns children) that they should be progressively more and more independent as time goes on.

We’re told this is a linear process, and if they could do something previously then they CAN do it again, but the problem is that they just WONT.

And often we expect the same of ourselves and the adults around us. I / they did it before, it should be possible to do again.

As if we weren’t animals living through different seasons and cycles and ages.

As if we weren’t living through a polycrisis.

As if we were endless wells of capacity and ‘productivity’ (yuck).

One of the approaches that informs my parenting (and other relationships - because parenting and caregiving for children is a relationship not a science), is ‘Low Demand’.

And there’s a phrase from low demand that I come back to again and again.

“Can’t not won’t”

It’s not that he won’t get dressed / get in the car / leave the house - it’s that he can’t.

And in these moments, that CAN’T (which is starting to look weird as I write it so many times…) is a beautiful invitation into curiosity.

Where ‘why won’t they do it’ can become…

‘what is it that means that they (I / we / whoever) can’t do it’?

AND YET -

The times where this is happening, are often requiring more capacity from us, and we may not be able to be curious.

Curiosity requires a level of ease and spaciousness that is not usually accessible in higher stress states.

I am often reacting where I’d like to be responding.

Bringing frustration when I’d love to be curious.

And then I beat myself up afterwards - “I KNOW that it’s that he can’t not he won’t. And yet I’m still being grumpy why WONT I learn?!”

(perhaps you can see where I’m going with this…)

I’ve started becoming curious whenever it becomes accessible to me.

This might be minutes, hours, days, weeks, sometimes years later.

But from that curiosity, I find possibility.

• ways that I might support my son (eg. perhaps he can’t access that because of the way I was framing it / because of the time of day / because of this sensory aspect that is present)

• ways that I might find more compassion and connection to others (eg. perhaps they aren’t engaging with the climate crisis because it feels too big or because it’s hard to step away from ‘normal discourse’)

• ways that I might find more compassion and support for myself (eg perhaps I’m not being compassionate because I’m forgetting to eat, perhaps I’m going to bed later than I think I should because I want need some quiet)

So the main message I want to share is that if you feel too stressed to be curious in the moment - that makes sense.

You would if you could!

And perhaps you can be curious later, when it becomes accessible. When you find a little more space or ease or a breather.

I’m sincerely wishing you (and for me/ all of us!) some more space in the following week.

Warmest wishes

Harriet

(she / they)

Ways to work with me

Cothù - Free programme for parents of autistic children - I’m going to be running my first cohort of this soon, if you’re interested let me know! It’s a 5 week programme to support and validate those of us who are navigating parenting autistic children (often as autistic parents / caregivers) in a world that was not designed for us. hit reply if you’re interested and I’ll add you to wait list

Join The Mycelium (monthly membership - pay what you can)

Covid Conscious Resilience Toolkit - I’m planning to schedule dates for the end of this month - let me know if you’re interested and I’ll add you to list.

Tender Toolkit for Overwhelmed Parents & Caregivers - self-paced and available now (one space remaining for someone to ‘test’ this out in exchange for feedback)

Parent Coaching - 1 space

Somatic Coaching / 1:1 Resilience Toolkit - 1 space

Who is writing this? I’m Harriet, and I work under the name ‘Tender Being with Harriet’. I am a coach, facilitator and guide who is particularly passionate about supporting neurodivergent, sensitive and deeply feeling people and families.