I know this is late, apologies. Paid members: your newsletter is coming tomorrow <3

I have some more health stuff going on. It's more of an unknown probably-nothing-but-maybe-something thing. With my other symptoms it's almost definitely nothing, and certainly nothing I can do about it right now, I'm waiting for some more tests.

This is where an old pattern and a new one are clashing.

The old pattern is teenage me, who found her resilience in anxiety. If I was anxious, then I was prepared. I fell into magical thinking where if I wasn't anxious, then clearly anything that went wrong was because I'd taken my eye off the ball for a second and allowed myself not to be anxious.

I still sometimes feel anxious about not having things to be anxious about. Like, what am I forgetting to be anxious about in this moment? If I forget to be anxious about something will go wrong, then things will definitely go wrong.

This is false, but it's I learned to cope with a tumultuous and chaotic home life.

Now, I'm moving into trusting myself and people around me to cope with when things happen. I am resilient without anxiety, without overly planning every outcome.

If I'm not careful, not checking in with myself and reflecting on this, it feels like burying my head in the sand, which leads to increased anxiety. There's a tension between soothing but moving on and pushing my anxiety away and being dismissive. It's an interesting one to be aware of, and requires some balance.

I've spent a few days feeling entirely stuck, held down by the weight of these two conflicting patterns. I need to give my anxiety time, to hear it out, but not follow it into a spiral.

This becomes difficult when I have things that do cause anxiety. The line (for me) between 'this situation is understandably anxiety inducing' and 'this is me leaning into an old pattern' is one I'm still learning to navigate. It does make sense that I'm anxious about another health thing, and that I'm generally a little stressed about end of term/graduation/placement stuff. It doesn't mean I need to spiral into over planning everything and assuming the worst of everything. That way lies exhaustion and a freeze mode that makes me feel even worse.

Slowing down, progress but not pushing myself, and remembering to breathe is the way to go.