Archive (Page 9) • Sameach • Buttondown

Sam was always late for classes. The three phones and two alarm clocks he kept near his bed were of no help; he simply could not open his eyes in the...

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service. Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would...

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me...

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side.Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't...

Vote for Change Results & Today's Joke

Thank you to all the subscribers who voted for change to Sameach email frequency. Most of the respondents voted to keep the emails coming daily. There will...

A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.He asked...

One night Mrs. Eisenberg stumbled into her local Brooklyn police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to...

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading...

A boy and his dad are walking through the streetsBoy: "What does the word drunk mean?"Dad: "Well, for example, do you see those two policemen over there? If...

Henry Kissinger was having a discussion with Golda Meir, and he said, "I should have you know that when it comes to me, first I’m Secretary of State, then...

It was close to curfew in Soviet Russia, and two policemen see a man running. One of the policemen shoots the running man dead."Why did you do that? It isn't...

Two policemen call the station on their radio."Hello. Is this the Sarge?""Yes?""We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on...

A mummy was found in Egypt.The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet adviser offered his help.The mummy was delivered to the Soviet...

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador. During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting."Last...

Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he...

A British soldier parachutes down from his plane and he's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war...

Pilot over intercom: We’re all gonna die!Passengers start freaking outPilot: All of us will one day, no one knows when!Passengers sigh with reliefPilot: But...

An Arab enters a taxi.After he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home,...

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and...

I asked my dad why he became a pilot. He said, "to conquer my greatest fear.""The fear of flying?" I asked."No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."Today's...

Esther Fishbein's husband, Morty, had a few good seasons at work and finally the Fishbeins moved to a fancy shmancy neighborhood. Being just a butcher's...

A pessimist is sitting next to an optimist.The pessimist sighs loudly. “Things couldn’t get any worse,” says the pessimist.“Sure they could!” says the...

Two hunters are crawling through the underbrush when one of them suddenly falls to the ground.The other guy checks for a heartbeat and finds none so he calls...

NAn Arab guy needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.Because the gentleman had...

A German spy infiltrated a British navy ship. The captain, unknowingly, strikes up a conversation with the chap at dinner.Captain: "These Germans think...

A man saw a friend on the other side of the road. He ran over and said: “Mr. Sofer! I’m so glad to see you!”Then he said: “What a change! You used to have a...

Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with a kippah and tzitzis. He doesn’t have to be...

A man is standing in a bread line in Soviet Russia. He is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame."Two policemen walking around hear...

Yechiel was standing over his new son’s crib, staring intently.He didn’t know that his wife, Sarah, was standing in the doorway watching him. She saw a...

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he...

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to...

President Biden just returned from China. While he was there the premier of China gave him a gift of a beautiful bolt of cloth. When President Biden...

It’s the yahrtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum’s death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave and place a...

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write G-d a letter requesting the $100.When the postal...

An old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so...

A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, "I’m arresting you for going through three red lights.""Yeah, well, I’m color blind," said the motorist."In...

Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...“When I was a lad, Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I’d come back with five...

A Jew is in Germany. He stops a local and asks “Tell me, do you like Jews?”The local says, “Of course I like Jews!”The Jew says thank you and walks on. He...

A man had front row, 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No,”...

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”The Russian says, “I’m tired and...

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”“Throw out an...

A police officer pulls over a woman for speeding.Officer: License and registration, please.Driver: It must be in here somewhere… (rummaging in her...

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found...

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.If any mischief...

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, Georgia, a well attired middle-aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kippah.She called the...

Special Purim Joke (In Honor of our Subscribers in Yerushalayim)

Memo from Director General to Manager:Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two...

Special Purim Joke

A memo from El Al to JetBlue employees:Subject: Unique aspects of a flight to IsraelDear JetBlue employees:Welcome to the El Al family – or as we say in...

Mexico had a really bad earthquake and 2 million Mexicans died. Many countries sent over support. France sent over people to help rebuild the cities. Spain...

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the...