Q: Who's the best guitarist to lead a youth prayer group?
A: Neil Young

There's a realization which we all come to at some point. (Don't shame my epiphany kink.) Perhaps you can remember the moment when it hit you; I don't recall when exactly it was for me - maybe college? (yes, my sense of time is so bad that a four year span counts as relatively exact)(or exactingly relative)("that doesn't even make sense" "well, relatively") - but there's a certain point in your life when you realize that nobody knows what they're doing and everyone's just making it up as they go along and doing their best (or worst if they're trying to ruin the lives of immigrants or trans people for having the temerity to exist; please go vote against those candidates no later than Tuesday if you haven't already).

Prior to that point (whenever it arrived for you), I think most of us had the sense that older folks have it generally figured out. From being a little kid asking a thousand questions of your parents who know everything, to being in kindergarten and seeing the older kids running around, to being in elementary school and being envious of those cool highschool students, and somehow at least for me, I was still looking up to college students while I was touring colleges.

But it was roundabouts college where I once again became a part of the group I had previously presumed had it all figured out and realized it's turtles all the way down. (Turtles may have it all figured out: Don't let the world rush you and always be ready to go inside when things get rough.)(those're the lessons they tortoise.) Older people don't magically have it figured out, and I was never going to get to that next step and suddenly know everything. Turns out we're all just making it up as we go along.

Although I do not have children myself, I'm reasonably confident in saying that many of you who have had children and had to try to figure out how the heck to raise them would never have imagined in your youth that parenting could be such a "hope this works" endeavor. I just presumed my parents had everything under control. So much for our all-knowing elders!

WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING?

If not the old folks, maybe the youths? (youths with truths!)("yoots") Or the Buddha? Why not both? In my younger years, my even younger (like 5 years old? or 8? I don't know, it's relatively exact)(or exacting relatives)(that works much better when it's about an actual relative)(relatively better)(thanks for the obvious joke, Einstein) sibling had somehow (probably my fault) picked up the idea that the Buddha was a source of enlightenment, and proudly declared, "I am Butah, Butah know everything, ask me a question." (If you meet the Buddha in the road, kill him, but if you meet the Buddha on a boat, just ask some questions.) And so, after a few warm-up school-age questions, I naturally asked about the secret to happiness.

To the best of my recollection, their response was something along the lines of, "Be happy is easy, just do what you like. I don't want to hit myself, I hit myself, I'm stupid." One of the rare times that "stop hitting yourself" is actually sage advice and not just bullying. It's amazing how much we keep hitting ourselves metaphorically sometimes.

WHEN I WORE A YOUNGER MAN'S CLOTHES

In addition to turning to my younger siblings for happiness advice, I also turn to younger me. Was just recalling to a friend last week that a decade or two ago I had decided that a good week for me that made me happy generally contained four key things:
1) A nice walk
2) Creative output
3) Time spent with friends
4) Some gaming

This may seem excessive when City Slickers taught us the secret of happiness was just one thing, but I think four pillars seem like a good amount to support a happy life (for weight distribution, if nothing else). I suspect that most of you will have different key things for numbers 1, 4, and possibly 2 (how one-four-two-itious), but sometimes it's useful to remember, "Hey, I'm generally happier when my weeks contain these four things, maybe I should arrange my life to more frequently contain them."

Some time after that I think I landed on the current "Secret of Happiness" emblazoned atop my website (frequently eating food you like in the company of people you like), but really it all comes down to some degree of reminding yourself how you prefer to spend your time, and then doing that instead of scrolling Facebook for an hour like I did thisafternoon again dammit.

SPOOOOOOOOOOOKY EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

Happy Halloween! I finally wrote you another fun column that's not political or about current events at all!

Halloween Costume Corner - Needlez & Spikez

(NOTE: After the Halloween Stampede of 2024, Halloween Costume Corner has cut ties with Harry's Halloween Horse Rentals. We apologize to those injured, both human and equine, and now realize that our community just wasn't large enough for so many costumes incorporating live horses. Too much neigh in the neighborhood. Our readers should know that safety is one of our top few dozen priorities, and that no matter who our advertisers are, we are committed to providing reliable costume advice safe for the whole family. We hope you'll enjoy this year's guide, sponsored by Needlez & Spikez.)

Trick or Treat? We've got a treat for you today: It's a new edition of Halloween Costume Corner! As always, we're bringing you a curated list of fun and unique costume ideas, because there's only so many Disney princesses and Spiders-Man that people can see before they yawn themselves to death. Need a less obvious idea? Why not try one of these:

* Start with a sand-colored protective padded suit, and then cover yourself in a variety of beautiful cacti, currently 20% off at the Lenox location of Needlez & Spikez. This can serve as the basis for a variety of costumes:
- If you have a convenient fish store nearby, pick up a goby to tape to your forehead, and you can go as the Goby Desert.
- Alternatively you can print out a contact sheet for comedian Hari Kondabolu and hold a phone - we promise nobody else is going as the Call-a-Hari Desert.
- And for Sex and the City fans, just add your best Carrie Bradshaw dress, and you'll delight everyone as Sahara Jessica Parker.

(If anyone points out that some of these deserts don't actually have cacti, you can point out that Halloween is about pretending. If they still continue to complain, give them a big friendly hug -- they'll get the point!)

* Get a classic Bruce Lee yellow tracksuit, some heavy duty cord, and a few dozen steel railroad spikes, conveniently available for bulk purchase at the Needlez & Spikez online store. Use the cord to tie two of the spikes together into a pair of nunchucks, and attach the remainder directly to your tracksuit on the arms, legs, and chest. You'll know you did the right thing when you show off your Spike Lee costume.

Fun fact: This is actually my fourth Halloween Costume Corner column over the years, the first one sponsored by Crazy Eddie's Canine and Wicker Emporium, and each subsequent one disavowing the disasters of the previous sponsor before introducing a new sponsor. It's a fun little easter egg for anyone who has been reading my columns regularly for years, or it's completely self indulgent because it makes me smile. (or just as mad, and he does both.)

HALLOWED HAPPINESS

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I still don't know what I'm doing, but I know what I like and I figure that's an excellent start. I know I'm relatively happier if I can have regular dinners with my partner, maybe the occasional food with a friend, and the very occasional cup of tea with a visiting relative. And that's my theory of relative-tea. (the main thing I have in common with Einstein is the hairstyle.)

That wraps up this week's newsletter. As always, I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and hope you enjoy a Halloween of masked ghouls and zombies terrorizing the neighborhood. But we don't want that shit after Halloween so don't forget to vote.

Happy Halloween,
(can I use that as a valediction?)(it's a hallowdiction!)("putting the poor in poortmanteau for over 40 years")
Seth