Three statisticians go hunting. The first one shoots at a deer but misses 10 feet to the left. The second one shoots and misses 10 feet to the right. The third one yells, "Hooray, we got him!"

A classic joke and not my own (I have written zero classic jokes)(but some terrible jokes on classics)("Hey Polyphemus, who do you have a crush on?" "Nobody..."), but after our discussion a few months back of how many books the average American reads, it's time for us to loop back to the average American.

A BRIEF THINK

Here’s your think brief: I'd like you to take a few seconds now and think of the average American, not specifically their reading habits, but just get a good picture of them in your mind. And do that now, before finishing this sentence too late it's finished (well okay I'll keep it going a little longer but this is hard work because I’m out of commas since they've all been requisitioned by the commassariat).

Okay, (yes, I knocked him out to steal back the commas, now he's commatose) you've pictured the average American. What gender are they? Roughly 50% of America is female, give or take half a percent, but if you're male, odds are good that you pictured a man. That's the Sue Storm problem.

SURPRISE GLORIA STEINEM

A dozen years ago, Gloria Steinem came to speak at the local college, and after her speech I had the chance to briefly speak with her. I squandered that chance by asking an arguably stupid question (are any of my questions not arguably stupid?) which I suspect she had heard frequently, given the speed and clarity with which she offered an answer.

As someone whose guiding moral principle remains "People are People", I'm a big fan of humanism and the idea that all people have value and need human rights and freedom and equality and so forth. Although I'm likewise a fan of feminism (since women are people and thus have value and need human rights and freedom and equality and so forth), I primarily described myself as humanist since I figured that includes feminism. So I asked why she felt it was so important to describe oneself as a feminist specifically.

She answered that if you don't name women specifically, they become invisible. That you can't just say "everybody deserves equal rights" because then men will build a world for an "everybody" that forgets to include women. (Forgetting may be accidental or intentional; consult your local listings for details.)

It was a good answer (as you might expect from someone for whom the topic is basically her life’s work). I was instantly convinced (convinstant?)(that is portmanterrible.) I'm glad I went to the speech, not least of which because it inspired what I'd consider my favorite column of all time:
Gloria Steinem - Anagram Augury

BACK TO THE PRESENT

Today's column is far less cool, and only half of the jokes in it are funny. To make up for that, instead of the usual excerpt, I'm giving you the entire thing:

The Pun Also Rises:
"Bar Jokes"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me 10 beers." The bartender says, "Guinness?" The man says, "No, just going for a personal best."

A woman walks into a bar, after researching it ahead of time to make sure it's a relatively safe place. As soon as she enters she begins scanning the room to take note of anyone who seems likely to cause a problem, as well as anyone who might serve as a potential ally if need arises. She has a pair of shoes in which she could move fast if necessary, and has already sent her location to a safety contact with plans to check in later in the evening. She's ready for a fun night out.

A man walks into a bar holding a dog, and the bartender says, "Hey man, we don't allow dogs in here." The dog says, "Rough."

A woman walks into a bar for a drink but turns down the drink handed to her by a stranger because it wasn't freshly served. She knows never to leave her drink unattended. There are products available, anti-spike drink covers and color-changing spiked drink detectors, although she has bought neither because she feels her constant vigilance is price enough to pay. In an better world, she thinks, society would deal with this problem rather than making it her responsibility. Perhaps a world where school shootings are met with gun control regulations and systemic change, rather than children needing active shooter drills and bulletproof backpacks. But this world makes the problem hers.

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We're giving a free shot of Jack Daniels to anyone who can carve a wooden shotglass and do an Elmer Fudd impression." The man says, "Sounds a whittle whiskey."

A woman walks into a bar alertly watching her surroundings for danger, staying alert for any unusual dizziness after drinking, alertly walking to her car staying in well-lit areas of the parking lot, always aware with the thousand precautions that some men deride as overblown or unnecessary because they discount women's experiences. She knows that women's reports of sexual assault are so rarely believed that dozens of them presented barely a speedbump for our current president, who remains in office, again, in spite of the Epstein Files, filling his administration with other men also accused of sexual assault.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a brink." The bartender says, "Do you mean a drink?" The man says, "No, I just need something to take the edge off."

A woman walks into a bar knowing that when 7 college men allegedly drugged and raped a woman at a frat house in a case recently in the news, some people suggested the victim was to blame for visiting a frat house. She wonders if people think frat houses inevitably result in rape, why frat houses continue to exist. If the purpose of a system is what it does, our system has been set up to normalize unthinkable things happening with regularity. She wonders if we will see systemic change any time soon. She recalls that just after the Cornell 7 case was in the news, the Trump administration rolled back sexual assault and harassment protections under Title IX. She says, "Bartender, I need a drink."

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says "You want the usual?" And the man says, "No, let's try something good for a change."
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PREPARING FOR THE FALL

Autumn or societal collapse? (why not both.gif) As always, the world continues being overwhelming in various ways, making it more essential than ever to get away from the constant infuriating news cycle. I love fall in New England and have been trying to get out to appreciate the leaves, even if I haven't caught a falling one yet this year.

Anyway, as always I thank you for reading, will be back in two weeks with another column, and if you need a break from terrible news I highly recommend getting outside to look at the trees. And then get outside to look at the trees again.

That's the best way to find releaf.

Your Commarade in Arms, (or even Elms),
Seth