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What is your special interest? What sets your heart on fire?

I can list all of my special interests over the years: Liverpool FC, The Sims, WWE, Victoria Wood, Scissor Sisters, The Beach Boys, 30 Rock, George Carlin, Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Wonder, Bee Gees, autism (lol).

Right now however, there is a space. Nothing is taking my fancy. Nothing appeals to me. I am willing myself to get interested in something, anything, but so far little has grabbed my attention.

Is it depression? I don’t think so. I have been burning out but I’ve been managing to do my hobbies of writing and reading books regularly. In contrast to being depressed, I keenly want to be interested in something in an all-encompassing way.

Maybe it’s tiredness? Perhaps I simply don’t have the mental energy to get 100% invested in a new band or TV show.

Whatever the reason, I feel sad. Truthfully, I feel like a piece of me is missing. I guess it is kind of like a really, really mini version of grief - at least the bit where the immediacy of the death fades away and you are left with a gap within your heart.

Of course, where there is opportunity, there is excitement. Who knows what my new special interest could be? I could suddenly become really interested in space (reading Orbital by Samantha Harvey certainly piqued my interest earlier this year). Spotify may recommend a song to me that leads me down a rabbit hole of music history and an extensive discography to listen to. Wikipedia could show me a page of the day that I spend hours reading. I have all of that to look forward to. There truly is a thrill when you experience the early days of a new special interest. So much to learn!

One thing’s for sure, the special interest is never anything useful or practical for me. It’s never exercise! It’s never learning to cook! Other people seem to have really useful special interests. My tastes definitely veer towards people or groups of people, and usually musicians.

The thing to remember in the time between special interests is to just keep engaging with everything you are interested in. The more you engage with the world, the more you read, or listen to, or experience, the more likely it is that a topic will come out of the woodwork that you will end up spending the next year getting very obsessed with.

Special interests are just that - special. Many autistic people believe engaging with special interests helps them to emotionally regulate. I agree, and I wonder whether being without a special interest has in some way contributed to the burnout I am currently going through.

Until the next time my full attention is grabbed and the strong pull of a special interest is felt, I’ll keep on reading, and writing, and listening, and experiencing the world as fully as I can.

What is your current special interest? Let me know in the comments.

Until next time,

Ren

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