(Fair warning to everyone before I begin, this is a life update type post. Regular reflections on neurodivergence will return in good time.)

Subscribe now

Hello!

Firstly, thank you for sticking with me (and by that I mean, thank you for not realising I hadn’t posted for two weeks and decided to cull me from your subscriber list, I appreciate it).

Where have I been?

It is fair to say that life really has been life-ing for me these past few months. At the start of the year my middle aged cat had a nasty flare up of a chronic illness. The illness, which I won’t go into because it’s quite icky, means that we need to keep a close eye on the cat and generally be even more of an unpaid servant to him. After a gruelling two weeks, he finally got better.

Then a few weeks ago, I caught Covid. It is no exaggeration that it absolutely knocked me for six. I have had Covid maybe four or five times now, but never like this. I have never been even moderately ill in my life, I’ve never had flu for example. So it came as a bit of a shock to find myself hallucinating. It irritated nerves in my lower back to the point where it triggered sciatica. It drained me of any energy I had. It sounds so overdramatic, but there was a point when I was considering ‘Do I get a taxi to A&E?’ It’s been about four weeks since I got sick and I still have a voice that suggests I smoke 60 a day, and a dull pain in my hip no matter what I do. I sadly lost 3 days of pay, which utterly sucks, but at least I recovered to the point where I could go back to work. I have a newfound appreciation and, I guess empathy, for people with chronic pain and fatigue.

I’ve also, as I’ve admitted previously, been wobbling over the precipice of autistic burnout yet again. I keep dragging myself back, and one of the ways bizarrely was getting sick. Getting sick meant I couldn’t work, so despite feeling like a zombie, I couldn’t stress myself out with office-related responsibilities. Swings and roundabouts.

Then, to add the cherry on the shitty cake, my cat had another flare up and has only recently recovered.

My current thinking about my newsletter

As you can imagine, I really haven’t felt like writing much these last few weeks. I’ve also been feeling really empty about writing in general. I haven’t been sure if I had very much to say. At least, I appeared to have run out of the personal essay topics that seem to interest my readers the most.

Then randomly a few days ago, I started thinking about a book that I have been reading in dribs and drabs for a while - ‘What Works for Autistic Adults’ by Dr Luke Beardon. The book itself is a revelation to me, and I promise to write a full book review once I finish, because I believe it is such an essential book for us. It has also massively inspired me. Over the past few years, at the back of my mind, has been a vague idea to apply for the MA Autism course that Dr Beardon teaches part of in Sheffield. I may or may not get round to doing this, but the idea of deep diving into autism research and writing my thoughts about it seriously appeals to me, rather than trying to mine my own experience every week and quite frankly, sometimes unavoidably come across as quite narcissistic, which isn’t who I am.

This vague plan to do more ‘serious’ writing does come with drawbacks. I won’t be able to keep the regular weekly writing schedule if I go down this route. Realistically, four articles a month may turn in to one or two max. It may also prove unpopular with my current readership, who I would be sad to lose. Yet, if I continue with my current style of posts, I am certainly going to run out of things to say.

I love the idea of writing about and critiquing autism research, and autism in the news and popular culture. I also have a severe lack of confidence in my own abilities and I’m naturally scared of trying anything new. But I started this Substack in October of last year with the exact same feeling. So who knows? Maybe I can make a success of it.

Looking ahead

Whatever I decide to do, I hope you stick with me, even out of a sense of morbid curiosity. My new vague plans will hopefully challenge me. They also may keep me engaged. I’d be lying if I said that the ADHD-induced ‘shiny new thing’ syndrome isn’t wearing off Substack for me. I need to make Neurowavy Thoughts sparkly again so that it holds my attention and I can create genuinely good pieces, rather than throwing something together last minute out of a sense of obligation.

I also still have my hope of one day writing a book, even if it’s just a tidied up collection of my best posts. Maybe that’s something people may like, or not, but either way, I want to do stuff that makes me proud.

Until next time, whenever that may be,

Ren

If you’d like to support my work but don’t want to subscribe, you can tip me here.

Ren's Tip Jar