One time, me and mum were driving into town, and I asked her about how people manage to keep racing pigeons (we’re from Lancashire). They use pigeon lofts, it turns out.

“It must be noisy having birds in the attic,” I said.

“What?”

“The pigeons. In the loft.”

“Pigeons aren’t kept in the actual loft, you loon.”

I take an awful lot of life at face value. When I was taught at secondary school to ‘read between the lines’ in English class, it took a minute for me to realise they didn’t mean for us to literally read between the lines (‘Where are the words?’ I thought).

This is how I automatically respond. Like a manual car, I need to make a conscious effort to switch gear. I have to check myself when I hear other people speak. I try my best to quickly remember other similar conversations, and take a stab at whether this person has said one thing, and meant another, like the person before them, and so on. As I’ve grown older and acquired more experiences, the easier it has become for me to spot the patterns and join the dots in a decent amount of time. Sometimes I’m right, other times I’m very wrong, but often with hilarious consequences.

One of those consequences, when I was younger especially, was people who thought I was doing this on purpose. I won people over by unintentionally making them laugh. I’ve spoken on here about my naiveté, but people have definitely misconstrued it for a dry humour that I don’t fully possess.

Although I also remember other people getting wound up or even offended at my obliviousness. Sometimes it still happens. I state things very plainly, so I’ve been told. I can be blunt, to the point of appearing rude.

Often I ask other people to read my draft emails before I send them to make sure I’m not coming across like a horrible person (and I’ve worked in offices for years, yet still this insecurity hovers around me). I tread very carefully when I speak, and I suppose this is a form of masking. The checking other people’s speech thing is also a form of masking.

Recently I’ve realised I still mask in both these ways. Maybe I’ll never be truly shot of masking. Because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anyone’s feelings, ever. But unmasked me can be perceived as a curt bull-in-a-china-shop who espouses home truths without a care in the world. My bluntness has definitely hurt people in the past. Just imagine how I used to be when I drank.

As someone who has very few friends, it plays on my mind. For all my bravado on this newsletter, I do often wonder what people think of me, even now. I care a lot less than I used to, but at what cost? Who has ghosted me because they’re sick of the way I am? That’s a sad thought to think, one I shouldn’t think at all, but do.

Neurotypical people, particularly those who are unaware that you’re of the autistic variety, can definitely misunderstand what you’re saying and where you’re coming from. Even when they know that you’re autistic, you can still sense that gap in understanding sometimes.

Not receiving the grace desperately needed in order to unmask, means for a lot of us unmasking does, unfortunately, lead to being perceived as rude.

But then, with that understanding, should I keep making the effort to walk on eggshells and police what I say at all times? Even when it drains the life out of me?

It’s an odd one isn’t it? I don’t want to ever upset anyone, but masking makes me want to backflip into a bin. So I’ve ended up with this scrappy halfway house where I do check myself a fair bit, but when the energy runs out, it runs out, and the masking ends. Fortunately the people around me know who I am, they broadly know I’m not a complete shithouse, and I’m just speaking as I find, or hearing as I find.

It’s definitely a part of my neurodivergence where I experience an element of grief. Finding out about my AuDHD was like someone had suddenly turned off a tap from which my mask poured out.

I find it so very difficult to do these days, when before I just kept going and going, wondering why I was depressed as anything, whilst trying to be someone I wasn’t. I can’t do that anymore, but the last dregs of my mask is this filtering system I’ve learned from years and years of faux pas. It’s a wikipedia of social politeness. Sometimes I wish I could download it somewhere then turn it off in my own head because it does weigh me down.

I’d love to just exist without the constant self-policing and still have friends. Perhaps I’ve just not met the right people yet. I’m optimistic - I’m going to places and events for people with interests similar to mine. Making friends in your 30s is hard enough already, never mind having to do it with a mind and nervous system that doesn’t do what others typically do. But that’s ok. I’m looking forward to finding out if I can make this unmasking thing work in the context of making new friends.

Wavy News & Links

Paid Membership

I want to thank the new people who have recently joined my Patreon as paid members!

Paid members on the Wavy Thinker £6 a month tier get access to exclusive bonus newsletters about my creative projects which are sent directly from my Patreon, free digital zines when they come out, plus I’m considering what else to offer and am currently running a poll with suggestions, including a video series, a podcast, and other ideas.

You can explore my Patreon here. The support means I can focus more on developing my writing. It has supported the creation of my zines and given me creative confidence like nothing else. Thank you so much!

Poetry Zines

I’m preparing a new poetry zine! My two other zines are still available and I’ll be doing a mail out this week (I might even throw in a free sticker with your order!). I’m now at six five-star reviews on my Etsy shop which I’m so proud of.

Here are the links to both poetry zines:

• Through the Window

• Your Flowers

I realise I often advertise my poetry zines, but if you’re not on Patreon, or you don’t follow me on Substack Notes, you might have never seen one of my poems. So here’s one of my favourites:

Custom Scribble?

You can buy a custom scribble from me now for half price. That’s £2 plus shipping. I’ll draw anything as long as it isn’t hateful or rude!

Wavy Mail Club

Did you know I have a mailclub? My next Wavy Mail Club shipment will be sent in August. It’ll include the upcoming new poetry zine, as well as a new sticker and a print of a new scribbly illustration (It actually works out cheaper to be a mailclub member than buy each new zine individually, if you subscribe for a year). You can find out more here.

If you received May’s Wavy Mail shipment, please do give me feedback, I’d love to know what you thought.

Take it easy, and thanks as ever for all your support,

Ren