Hi friends

A shorter one from me this week as I’m travelling home to see my family. As I’m putting this together on the go, please excuse any typos or bizarre turns of phrase. I didn’t want to miss this week and I’m going to compromise on quality to do it!

I’m writing this with my Loops in, sat amongst the chaos of the train station on a Friday evening. Hundreds of folks snaking around the station with their wheelie suitcases, with their polite conversation, with their kids babbling. Noise, movement, unpredictability, lots of stimulation. Not exactly my cup of tea.

In the bad old days, I wouldn’t have recognised there was a problem. Maybe at a push I would have thought ‘Hmm, I feel sad, how very curious, I wonder why?’ (The joys of alexithymia). Then I’d kick off at someone and ruin their day. I’d feel like a terrible person and think ‘Why am I like this? Why am I like this? Why am I like this?’

An avalanche of shame.

The more I educated myself on autism, the more I opened my eyes to how much overstimulation affects me. And yet, I would still try to push on through.

It happened this week. I realised I had hit my limit and burst into tears thinking ‘I don’t want to be like this. Why can’t I do the things I used to be able to do?’

Conveniently forgetting that I have never been able to function in overstimulating environments. That idea of myself being able to swan through life breezily, that person never existed.

Ren, hun, it’s called ‘masking’, remember? You did it for years? You sometimes still do it? You write a weekly newsletter to 900 people about it?

My mental health has resembled a jelly this week. Very wobbly, poke it and you’ll wreck it.

So I’ve gone back to basics. Yesterday I made the decision to sleep for as long as I needed. Then I journaled (including filling out my reading journal), and read a book (I’ve started Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami).

Recognising burn out. Making positive decisions to regulate myself again. It felt really good to do that and manage the guilt I feel. Because the guilt is still huge. The comparisons I make to others and their productivity. I still make them and I know it’s bad for me.

I’m never going to be how I used to be, and that’s a good thing! I was never meant to be that person. That person was really sad and unwell. Their light was dimmed.

I’m not perfect, but I manage better than I ever did because I understand myself more. I give myself grace, make accommodations, stand up for what I need. I try to be the person I needed when I was younger, confused and upset at my own unexplainable reactions to seemingly normal things.

Now I’m sat in the noisy train station. No one cares I’m wearing Loops, and even if they did, I wouldn’t care what they think. I’ve bought a muffin and a fizzy drink from Greggs, even though, shock horror, it isn’t meal time. I did it because they make me feel better when I’m overwhelmed. Safe foods and drinks for the win.

I’m travelling a route I’ve travelled a thousand times and tonight I’ll be safe in an environment I grew up in. That’s good timing after such a brain-jellified week.

I plan to write poetry. I plan to go charity shopping with my Mum. I plan to rest.

I hope you have a lovely, restorative weekend too.

Take it easy and see you next week,

Ren

PS - here’s some things you might like:

I changed my bio on Substack to say ‘Poet’

Imposter syndrome be gone! You can find my zines on my Etsy shop. The next few orders will receive a separate custom scribble as a token of my gratitude.

Question - are you interested in poetry? Let me know in the comments if you think it’s a good or bad idea for me to share more poetry on this newsletter.

New Series on Patreon

I’m starting a new series for my £6 a month Patreon subscribers, which is called ‘Ren’s Notebook’. In it I’m going to share my ideas, plans and scribbles for projects I’m working on, and give more insight into my own creative process as a poet, scribbler, beige food critic or whatever it is I do. I have lots of projects planned for the rest of the year! You can check out the first Ren’s Notebook entry here. (There’s options to support this newsletter for £1 a month, £3 a month, or a one-off £3 tip too.)

The support of my Patrons means I can continue dedicating time to writing the main newsletter, thank you!