Hi friends

I very nearly didn’t write a newsletter this week. I’ve not been feeling like myself recently.

Whatever the cause of whatever it is I am experiencing, I know deep down it means I need to rest. Perhaps I have pushed myself too far again? Remember last week when I said if you catch yourself crying at nothing - mayday! Yeah, that.

Problem is, I still don’t truly believe I need rest. Or deserve it. That little toxic voice is still in my head, scolding me for not being productive. For sitting on the sofa watching TV. For staying inside.

I’ve written extensively about my history as a chronic over achiever and how it was almost akin to an addiction for me. I slid right through the grade A student turned workaholic turned burned out 30-something pipeline. The burnout I experienced nearly two years ago was most likely caused by my weird need to Always Try My Best and Possibly Be the Best Else Why Bother Living. It’s something I have been trying to rid myself of every day since.

I don’t know where this tendency comes from - I didn’t have a pushy family, the schools I attended were nothing special, but I always, always, always put too much pressure on myself. I’ve considered the part my neurodivergence plays in it, and if I’m honest, it probably plays a bigger role than I ever really acknowledged. Like I’ve argued before, I think overachieving can be a form of masking.

I think of rest, like I think of most things in my life, in black and white terms.

I also still have no real habit of identifying or considering my own needs in life.

I deserve rest.

You don’t need to do anything to qualify to deserve rest. You can simply stop what you think you are ‘meant’ to be doing and prioritise yourself.

I know writing this newsletter, and writing generally, acts as a form of rest to me. The issue then becomes: what to write about when this is playing on my mind. So I end up writing about burnout. Apologies for my tendency to be a broken record sometimes. Thank you for indulging me.

I’ve tried to be as restful as possible this week by doing the things I love, and trying to ignore that little voice that tells me this is all a waste of time.

I’ve sketched a lot of birds, which I’ve discovered is quite a peaceful thing to do. Coincidently, when I went to Manchester the other day I saw a buzzard take off outside a McDonalds, of all places. Not something you see everyday - its wingspan making the pigeons that surrounded it look like tiny flying dots. It left me speechless, it was beautiful.

I finished my first ever roll of film shot on my janky Pentax camera and sent it off to be developed. I have no idea if the camera even works - I bought it on eBay last year and just hoped for the best that I wasn’t being scammed. I’m crossing my fingers that at least one of the prints isn’t just pure grey fuzz.

I read a book. I finished reading ‘Unfollow’ by Megan Phelps-Roper, who used to belong to an extremist church and made some incredibly brave decisions to leave the only life she knew because she knew in her heart that the teachings of the church were wrong. There is something so life-affirming and so comforting about reading a book. Reading makes me feel far less alone and more connected to something.

I’m now reading ‘To the Lighthouse’ by Virginia Woolf. What’s lovely is I started reading this book two years ago and found it difficult. My solid two years of getting back into reading all kinds of books has made returning to this one so much easier. I am really enjoying it and zooming through the chapters.

Out of nowhere, I spent a few days hyperfixating on ten poems I wrote last year, typeset them and added a front cover. I sent a proof copy to print the other day. My paid supporters on Patreon received the PDF earlier this week.

Next week I’ll put a print version and PDF version on sale. So that’s very random and exciting! (I know this one truly does not sound like rest, but nothing gives me energy more than working on my creative projects and sharing them with readers).

I’ve also just slept a lot and it’s been glorious.

I’ll be back with a ‘proper’ newsletter next week. I’ve been thinking about AuDHD again and the richness of experiencing life with this kind-of brain set-up that I have. That I know a lot of you have too. Hey, if you’re still reading this and you would like to, tell me what you’re favourite thing is about being neurodivergent. I’d love to read it.

Until next time when ‘normal service’ resumes, have some bad bird sketches to peruse. My shading is getting better I think, but the scale of my birds is wrong, though I think it gives them a squished, quirky charm! Still lots to learn!

Take it easy,

PS. Check out my Patreon if you’d like to support me: