Hi friends,

It’s Ren Riley, formerly of Substack. If you didn’t see last week’s post, you might not know that I recently left the platform after two years. You can read more about that decision here. Nothing will change for you, you’ll still see me in your inbox most weekends, chatting about neurodiversity and whatever else we want to talk about!

As the title says, change is strange and wonderful, particularly as an autistic person with ADHD. I’ve experience both sides of that coin recently.

In the past month alone I have had two shutdowns, both in public, both triggered by an unexpected change or curveball thrown my way. After a lifetime of experiencing frequent shutdowns as a person unaware of their neurodivergence (and being known within my oblivious family simply as a ‘sulk’ or a ‘whinge bag’), my unmasking journey over the past few years led to a notable decrease in shutdowns. So the recent uptick has been concerning to say the least.

I’m aware that stress does not help me, and only serves to make my brain bees buzz louder. When you chuck in the recent repeat heatwaves we have been experiencing, and the sensory nightmare that was brought with it, I can start to see why I have had two shutdowns in a short timeframe.

Sadly, it doesn’t take away the shame I felt on both occasions. The inner critical voice was back out in force ‘What are people thinking? They must think I am a drama queen. Why do I do this? I can’t choose it but it looks like a choice. Why can’t I stop it?’

And, as ever when the reality of my autism is inescapable, my internalised ableism comes to the fore. It can’t be rationalised with, I just have to let it have its say and, in quieter moments, reaffirm to myself that this is outside of my control. This was not my fault. This was simply caused by a build up of external factors in my environment that my brain simply can’t cope with.

It’s like baking a cake in a broken oven in a freezing cold house. You’re probably not going to end up with a tasty cake.

I’ve also experienced the utter joys of positive change recently. A big change in my routine, which came about as a result of the shutdowns, was intentionally carving out a short space of time each day to journal. I’ve rediscovered how much I benefit from venting into a notebook. It’s a therapist that can’t provide the awkward silences. Unlike therapy, I don’t have the delusion that I can ‘win’ at journaling.

Telling a notebook every day for the past few weeks about my moods, my goals, my inner world, has been both soothing and eye-opening.

It brings me back to that age old Joan Didion quote I love: “I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”

My newsletter is sort of like that too, except I spare you the weirdness of a private journal. I know right, can you believe I edit these Wavy Thoughts newsletters before pressing send? What are the first drafts like?

The change from Substack has been one filled with fear of what I would miss. It’s been a week since I left the platform and the urge to log on to my old account is subsiding. My main fear is losing subscribers, but I know logically that if people enjoy my content, they will stick with me. If it’s no longer for you, that’s absolutely fine. But for those continuing with Wavy Thoughts, thank you - I’m excited for what’s to come.

Just a short one from me after multiple-shutdown-gate. I’m still resting and recovering, but I also wanted to say hello and let you know where I live online now that I have moved away from Substack.

Where to find me:

• My website: www.renriley.co.uk

• My Etsy shop, if you would like to purchase a zine or scribble: https://renswavystore.etsy.com

• My Patreon, if you would like to support this newsletter and my work as a writer: https://www.patreon.com/cw/RenRiley

• My entire newsletter archive is now also hosted on Buttondown, which is the website I am using to send newsletters: https://buttondown.com/RenRiley

  (If you would like a nerdy deep dive into why I chose Buttondown over other newsletter providers, sign up to Patreon, it will be available to the ‘Wavy Thinker’ tier soon).

Thank you for your support as I embark on this next chapter with Wavy Thoughts. There are lots of plans afoot!

Take it easy,

Ren

PS - you can reply direct to this email if you’d like. I would love to hear from you!

PPS - If you were forwarded this email by a friend or someone you just about tolerate, and you liked what I wrote, please consider subscribing!