Autistic Me and ADHD Me are Not Friends
The dichotomy of AuDHD
Hello friends
I recently posted what I thought was a slightly unhinged take, but at the time of writing it has received 275 likes on Substack Notes which I think is the equivalent of 500ish likes in ‘old money’ aka pre-X Twitter (RIP).
I posted:
“This sounds unhinged but my fellow AuDHDers will understand. If my autism and ADHD were two separate people, Autistic me would have reported ADHD me to the headteacher, and ADHD me would never have invited Autistic me to parties, you know what I mean?”
When I try to describe how it feels being autistic and also having ADHD, I inevitably receive a few raised eyebrows.
“How can you be both though? They sound like polar opposites.”
The only way I can think to describe it is that sometimes it feels like there is literally a tug of war going on in my brain.
On the one side, we have Autistic Ren. The ‘Head Girl’ Energy. The chronic people-pleaser. The little professor. The person who will not let that mistake go, they need to correct you on it.
Autistic Me is best personified as me in high school; baffled by social cues, risk-averse for fear of getting into trouble, and totally comforted by losing myself in my special interests.
Overachieving is a form of masking - by Ren Riley
Head girl energy is literally just autism
On the other side, we have ADHD Ren. The rule-breaker. The whirlwind. The bringer of chaos. Opens their mouth without considering the consequences. Behaves impulsively to try and fit in.
It’s me in my 20s when I hadn’t internalised the slogan they now use for gambling addiction in the UK - when the fun stops, stop. Instead of a gambling problem, I had your classic neurodivergent binge-drinking-as-a-solution-to-social-anxiety problem.
The Liquid Scaffolding - by Ren Riley - Wavy Thoughts
Alcohol and I don’t mix
How does Autistic Me and ADHD Me coexist in my brain? Simple.
They don’t.
They are not friends. At best they are room mates who leave passive aggressive notes around the flat (ADHD me plays their music far too loud, Autistic Me meticulously labels the food that belongs to them in the fridge).
A good example is what happens when I shop online for something. I often fall into hyper-focus, taking hours to research options to select the most optimal item. I inevitably grow excruciatingly bored all of a sudden and impulse purchase something random and rubbish.
It is the same scenario when I’m writing my newsletter - I concentrate on it for hours up to a point, then quickly grow tired and want to move onto the next thing, so I click send and miss a massive typo. Every time.
It’s the ADHD need for novelty butting heads with the autistic need for routine and consistency.
I will do the same morning routine for months on end then one day think ‘This is really boring’ and do something totally different, which ends up knocking me off kilter because I haven’t followed my old routine. Make it make sense!
That being said, there is also a fair bit of overlap between the two when you think about it. This Venn diagram by @tfw-adhd is useful to help you visualise the overlap.
My criticism of this diagram is that it is very negative and doesn’t talk about strengths. I believe being both autistic and ADHD does give me plenty of strengths (though let’s swerve the ‘autism is a superpower’ ick shall we? We’re autistic, we’re not the Avengers).
I refer to ADHD as the ‘motor that keeps my life moving’. Without ADHD, I don’t believe I would have had the drive to climb a career ladder and push myself into situations that made me feel socially uncomfortable, which ultimately led me to grow in confidence (although it did lead me to mega burnout, so there’s a lesson to be learned there).
Similarly without being autistic, I don’t think I would have had the focus and diligence that I have in my work, and perhaps I wouldn’t be as organised as I am (organised chaos, but it works for me).
Also - and this is a post all on its own that I need to write - autism and ADHD are not inherently disabling. It’s the environments around us that pose challenges. We’re back to Dr Luke Beardon’s fantastic equation of ‘autism + environment = outcome’. Read his books, they are excellent.
I’m a proud Triple-A Battery (autism, ADHD and anxiety) and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Thank you for reading!
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Take it easy,
Ren
PS. Perhaps you would also like:
I unmasked and no longer knew who I was - by Ren Riley
Taking off the mask as an autistic person to find no one there is frightening
"Look at me when I'm talking to you." - by Ren Riley
I don't do eye contact.
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