33 lessons I've learned in 33 years as an Autistic and ADHD mess
I am here to impart my limited wisdom
Hello!
Welcome to Wavy Thoughts, a newsletter I have been writing for nearly a whole year about my experience as a late-discovered autistic and ADHD person.
I turn 33 this week, so to prevent myself from spiralling into existential dread, I thought I could distract myself by writing 33 pieces of unsolicited advice, random observations and other nonsense.
Disclaimer, I am not:
A medical professional
A therapist
A day time TV presenter from the 90s giving away free cars in exchange for trauma porn and a book club
A podcast grifter selling you ‘vitamins’ made of whale juice.
You’re reading the ill-thought-out ramblings of a humanities graduate who writes a newsletter about themself and has the audacity to send it to hundreds of strangers every week.
I am not a qualified person, in any respect. Don’t listen to me!
Enjoy!
(Some of the below has been written sarcastically! If it sounds ludicrous, chances are I don’t really mean it! I know, I’m a menace.)
Ren’s Random List of 33 Things They Have ‘Learned’
Number one, above all else, take it easy and stop doing as much. You’re not a superhero and you don’t have infinite amounts of energy. What are you trying to prove and to whom? You are enough as you are.
It is basically the law for autistic and ADHD people who discover their neurodivergence later in life to have mega amounts of self-doubt and imposter syndrome about it. Don’t let anyone gaslight you - if you are scoring high on the self-ID tests, and even if you just feel aligned to the criteria for autism or ADHD then maybe there’s something to it! Self-ID is valid.
It’s pretty much mandatory that you bring a dissertation-length essay with you to your autism assessment outlining every example of autism you’ve ever experienced in your life ever ever ever. You’ll do this with pure intentions - you want to make sure the clinician gets the whole story as accurately as possible.
In actual fact the clinician will probably no more than glance at it, then take a look at you while you’re simultaneously staring at the ceiling and monotonously monologuing about your passion for sea creatures, then draw a big thumbs-up on your report.
The good news is one day you can break that massive essay down into a number of newsletters for Substack. I know this from experience.
Capitalism is rubbish but if we have to comply, then it’s very cool to have a job that aligns with either a special interest or a skill you are really good at. Big caveat - I am old and I appreciate that the world was very different to when I left uni (Pre-Brexit! Pre-Trump! Pre-Love Island!). In the real world, I mostly write for a living, and it stops me from totally losing it. I’m not talking about monetising your hobbies (good Lord, keep something for yourself), but if you have a skill that you enjoy, it might be an idea to use that as the basis of your career, if that is possible.
Advocate for yourself. Get comfortable and confident in understanding your own needs and asking for reasonable accommodations from other people. This applies to every environment you find yourself in. Also accommodate yourself. Wear the loops. Wear sunglasses indoors. Use the tangle toy. If it makes your life smoother, do the thing.
Don’t assume the neurotypical people in your life know what autism or ADHD actually are. Their ideas might be clouded by old crusty myths based on a Dustin Hoffman film and Bart Simpson. Tell people what you need specifically (i.e ‘I need to be in a quiet place now’). You’re not their teacher, you’re not there to educate them about what all of this really is. So many of us end up being unpaid consultants on autism and ADHD.
Visiting friends as a neurodivergent person can be tricky, especially when you live far from one another. Planning your visits around doing an activity makes the pressure of socialising so much easier. Bonus points if you can unmask around your friend.
Long term romantic relationships take work, but when you find your person it is the best thing in the world. More bonus points if your person is also wavy in their thoughts, or understands your own brand of waviness.
Everyone’s experience of autism and ADHD are different. Asking a bunch of autistic and ADHD people for their views will elicit the same variety of responses as asking a bunch of neurotypical people.
You are going to meet some other autistic and/or ADHD people that you just don’t vibe with, and that’s ok. Neurodivergence gives us commonality, but it doesn’t mean we’re going to be automatically best mates with everyone we meet. Some neurodivergent people are dickheads, just like some neurotypical people are dickheads. That’s just life.
Trust your instincts and go with your gut. If something feels off to you, don’t dismiss that feeling. Explore it and see why you’re thinking that way. So many of us were told that our feelings didn’t matter when we were younger. They do.
You are allowed to like what you like, because you don’t need anyone’s permission. Stop apologising for buying LEGO as an adult. Talk about your obsession with WWE. Eat the ketchup sandwich. Flap your hands off and jump on the spot. Experience joy unapologetically and with gusto.
Screw traditional life milestones. If you don’t want to get married or have kids, good for you. Do what you want to do. Your life doesn’t need to look like everyone else’s.
The world is a hellscape, but try your best to be soft. Relentless bad news can make you hardened and detached from the world around you. Be kind, be gentle.
Humans made up the concept of gender and it turns out there are literally no rules to gender expression. Buy and wear the clothes you want to wear. Have your hair any length or colour. Get tattoos and piercings or not. Sit, stand, walk, talk any which way you want to.
Own your mistakes and try to cultivate self-reflection. I floated through life without ever critiquing myself until someone pointedly told me that my attitude was the common denominator in a lot of my problems. This doesn’t mean that your situation and the world around you isn’t to blame either, but don’t absolve yourself completely when there is stuff you could improve.
There are so many small things around you that need to be appreciated. There’s dahlias growing in my back garden that I planted as bulbs! Amazing! I’m drinking a can of Rubicon Mango and it’s delicious! My cat just purred at me! Lovely! This is the stuff that can ground you and provide calm.
That musician you like? Probably neurodivergent.
That person you really vibe with at work? Probably neurodivergent.
Like attracts like. You will find your people if you look for them.
Please, for the love of god, have a rest. If you want to create something, create it (though the admin side of creation, like checking your subscriber list of your newsletter…that is work. I’m directing this at myself because I am prone to telling people that I’m ‘resting by creating’ then find myself doing admin work on this newsletter!)
Try to look out for those around you who need someone to look out for them.
Sing loudly and sing often. The more out of tune the better.
Stop saying sorry for things that you weren’t expected to know or things that are outside of your control.
Stop saying yes to every request you receive.
Rest! Sit down! Play a game! Stop working for a bit! Stop feeling guilty!
Touch grass on the regular. Fresh air and nature help make your brain feel good.
The Venn diagram of autistic women, trans and non-binary folks and people who own lizards, is one big circle.
Nothing is ever perfect nor static. We never stop growing and changing as people. Maxing out and completing our wants or needs in life is impossible. If you do, you’re a Sim. That’s the only reasonable explanation (or you’re a billionaire, which is less reasonable). You never stop learning, that is one of the many beautiful things about being alive - see also: you’ve yet to meet everyone who will ever love you, you’ve yet to visit all the places you will enjoy visiting, there is so much to look forward to and be hopeful about.
As good as your parents may have been to you growing up, there may come a point where you will need to parent yourself. Picture yourself as kid in your mind’s eye and think about how you could make things better for them. Whatever it is, do that.
Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the world. It’s all so silly.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to live as your authentic self. You get one go on this blue and green rock hurtling through time and space while you piss around in your meat suit thinking your wavy thoughts. Go for it and screw what anyone else thinks.
REMEMBER TO HAVE A REST!!!!
If you got this far down, I appreciate the dedication!
Here’s to my 34th year on this planet. Hope it’s a good one.
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Take it easy,
Ren
If you liked this, you might like:
The Importance of Being Selfish - by Ren Riley
Recovery from autistic burnout means something has got to give.
On Frivolity - by Ren Riley - Wavy Thoughts
Being a silly sausage in a cold world
Tomboy - by Ren Riley - Wavy Thoughts
The joy of realising that who you are is not who they say you are.
I keep finding grey hairs - by Ren Riley - Wavy Thoughts
And it brings me joy
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