Welcome to ‘Wavy Thoughts’, my weekly newsletter about how I’m reframing my entire life following my discovery that I am AuDHD (autistic and ADHD). If you enjoy my writing, please consider subscribing for free, or becoming a paid subscriber.

I’m currently writing my first ever novel, using the software Scrivener, which costs about £55. That’s my little symbolic target for the year, so if you can help me reach it, that’d be so appreciated. If you’d like to support my work but don’t want to subscribe, you can tip me here.

Ren's Tip Jar

Subscribe now

After a packed day involving lots of socialising, I often say that my head is full of bees.

All the different words people have said, the sounds I have heard, the things I have done, the things I have not done, the requests I have misunderstood, they swarm around my mind, each with their own buzz, droning and whirring away. It’s nauseating and can sometimes be the straw that broke the (autistic) camel’s back, flinging me into a shutdown.

I’m old enough and far enough along in my neurodivergence discovery journey that I know the signs of early onset bees. I feel a ringing in my ears, I can barely concentrate on what someone is saying, and my energy drains away. It can produce the kind of tiredness that has a bizarre tendency to make you feel more confident, or maybe less inhibited, and spurs you on to say or do stuff you may not usually say or do. Sometimes it can feel akin to drunkenness, or at least, what I remember drunkenness to feel like. It’s a strange sensation, like you are teetering on the cliff edge of losing your self-control.

To prevent bees, to reduce the number of shutdowns I experience, and to generally feel better about existence, I’ve come to realise that being alone is key for my wellbeing. It’s basically the cornerstone, alongside a good night’s sleep.

Even back in the days before my autism discovery, when I thought I was ‘just a bit weird’, I have known I have a strong preference for regular time alone. Don’t misunderstand, I truly love and adore the people in my life, but my ‘required social time to alone time’ ratio skews heavily towards solitude.

Solitude provides quiet. I am hyper sensitive to noise, and too much chatter can put me in a tailspin. Wearing Loops in my daily life can only achieve so much. Being by myself, in a quiet environment, can provide calm like nothing else.

Being alone brings clarity of thought. Granted, when you have ADHD, the thoughts can whizz past at a mile a minute, and any kind of peace you were hoping for can be immediately shoved aside by anxious rumination and catastrophising. But on a good day, one of those rare days when I’m not thinking about an embarrassing moment from 2013, being by myself for a bit can bring me some kind of peace.

Being alone for regular periods of time has become a necessity for me. It is non-negotiable. This, naturally, leads to massive feelings of guilt. For not spending enough time with loved ones, for not getting out there and experiencing life the way society tells you to. But the thing is, if I don’t have regular periods of being on my own, if I don’t shut the world out for a bit every day, there will not be a ‘real me’ to spend time with. I’d just be a wreck with a head full of bees.

Even if you cannot manage a big block of time alone, shorter breaks are just as beneficial. It is an act of self care. It is an act of putting yourself and your needs first - a completely foreign concept to many of us late-discovered neurodivergent folks. My time on my own in the past year has led me to rediscover my love of books and writing. It has brought me so much joy, I can’t even begin to tell you. This newsletter would not exist without it!

Subscribe now

Thank you for reading! If you enjoy my writing, please consider subscribing or buying me a coffee. See you next week!

P.S. For those of you who have made it this far down, thank you! I’m curious to know what kind of topics you would like me to write about more. Here is a little poll, if you wouldn’t mind voting for the topic you’d most like to see, I’d really appreciate it!