01/08/26

everything is so soft

i continually recalibrate

it’s August now

i’m telling him about how i’m trying to decide what the project is really about, is it really just about sharing these memories or is it about the language that could be used to pretend these memories are more beautiful and sexy than they really are. he’s distracted and he lets me know and I feel that hurt feeling that makes me want to shut down from the inside out and crawl away and never speak out loud again.

i often feel that i bore people when i talk about my work

do other people need to care as much as i do

no

i promise myself that i will write it all out however i want to and however it happened and then i can consider whether i want to share it. but even when i show it to no one i still feel that someone is watching.

i say i want something and then i get it but i don’t recognise it because it’s like a stranger to me so i feel afraid and reject it. by the time i remember that it was something i asked for it’s too late.

why can’t i be like her

or her

or her

or her

or her

or her

or her

or her

he says that when we get home i can show him the new things I’ve written, i tell him there isn’t really anything new, at home we sleep for a while, he rubs my stomach, his body is very warm, it’s the afternoon.