maintaining conviction without sacrificing humility
they're more like yin and yang than oil and water
hey y’all,
it was my birthday week last week, and i’ll have a whole separate newsletter about that once i’ve digested it all. i have a complicated relationship with my birthday (just like i do with almost everything else), and this one felt particularly special in many ways.
while i’m percolating on that, i have to tell you about the gorgeous red that i enjoyed at angus barn. i go out to a fancy dinner three times a year - my birthday, valentine’s day, and my wedding anniversary. i literally count down the days to each one every year. it is one of my favorite activities, and it is a luxury that i was not afforded until very recently in my life. i’m determined not to take it for granted.
angus barn is a beautiful amalgamation of kitsch country decor, sprawling dining rooms, and high-quality beef that is unmatched by anyone else in the triangle. if you haven’t been, especially during the winter holidays, it is a must-see. our reservation was on the meat packer patio, and it must have been a smidge too cold for most people because we had it all to ourselves. i savored this house cabernet with an espresso-crusted filet mignon over bleu cheese mashed potatoes and a balsamic reduction. it was magical.
what sold me on this bottle was the description of angus barn’s wine program in their menu. there were, i’m not kidding, seven pages of wine, beer, spirits, and cocktails. they have created competition with themselves within their own establishment, and still came out on top (at least at my table). this got me thinking about messaging. in truth, i’ve been thinking about messaging a lot recently. there’s an art and a science to messaging. in order to be effective with messaging we need three essential components:
a clear point we are making
an understanding of our audience
the right access and resources to deliver our point to our target audience
without these three things, we will not get our point across to the people who need to hear it most. the algorithm-based age of the internet we’re in now means that we are largely talking to ourselves and the people who already agree with us. it’s easy to feel like you’re doing something to make the world better by resharing infographics to your story, but the material impact of that depends on a lot of factors.
is your account public or private? who follows you? who do you follow? where did you get the infographic from? what are the original creator’s movitations? what is their reputation?
when we post online, we aren’t speaking to the masses the way we might think we are. we’re speaking to our in-group most of the time, unless you pay to promote. a lot of organizers, independent publishers, and academics are fleeing social media platforms in droves. i truly understand that inclination. i hate posting online, like so incredibly much. but what happens if we don’t?
our digital advocacy movement must move beyond screaming into a room full of people who already agree with us as they scream the same talking points right back. this is why we are constantly infighting. this is why we keep feeling like we’re the only ones on earth who knows anything. this is why we begin to abandon our humility.
no one gets their message across with facts alone. you can even use yourself as an example interrogation - has anyone ever 100% convinced you of something purely based on what is true? if you said yes, please write me back and tell me about it, i’m truly dying to know. because for most people, changing our minds requires both trust and personal impact.
the reality is, there is no universal truth. there is nothing in this world that anyone can say is 100% factual. the nature of science is that it evolves. we will always learn something new. the only true certainty any of us can create is inside of us. this is why it is crucial to act from your values, first and foremost. in order to do that, you must know what your values are.
i think most people think they know their values, but in my 10+ years of doing values work with nonprofit and business leaders around the world i have found that what most people call their values are just personality traits. i hear a lot of “leading with kindness” type of language. your values are your guideposts for your life. they underscore every decision you make, every relationship you have, every emotional response you elicit.
have you heard of this writing exercise?
resume vs. eulogy values
i do this exercise with most of my executive leader clients, and i’d love it if you tried it. as you do, try to release yourself from any shame you might feel while writing. this is for authentic discovery, i promise not to judge you for your answers as long as you don’t judge yourself.
resume values are beliefs that you hold to get you ahead in your career (or whatever ambition you have). they’re the qualities you bring to a job interview to establish your “value” in the “market”. they are often rooted in individual success, which is rooted in colonization.
eulogy values are a bit harder to identify for most people. these are the things that you want people to say about you at your funeral. they’re the things you want to be known for.
here’s the exercise. you will need:
a scratch piece of paper
a black pen or pencil
two different colored pens or highlighters
set a timer for 3 minutes and write your eulogy. it does not have to be perfectly polished. write from your gut - what do you want to be said about you at your funeral? when the timer goes off, go through and underline the aspects of your eulogy that are resume values in one color. then do the same with your eulogy values with another color.
reflection:
did you have more eulogy or resume values?
do your relationships reflect what you’ve written?
are you currently living your life in a way that will lead to this eulogy?
when i first did this exercise, i came away with a lot of resume values and not that many eulogy values. i was at a crossroads in my career, my romantic life, and my social identity. i was feeling really lost, because i was not taking daily action rooted in my core beliefs. i was just trying to get ahead. i’ve done this exercise dozens of times over the years, and here are my eulogy values:
empathy - i hope to extend grace and understanding to every living thing, and to truly feel in my body what it is like to live another’s life.
integrity - i hope to make honest choices, rooted in my values, with no ulterior motives to leave the world better than i found it.
accountability - i hope to be able to identify and openly name harm committed by myself and others, and allow myself and others to truly repair.
humility - i hope to stay open to what i might not know, and to help others see that uncertainty is the price of being human. it is not a moral failure.
it is through these 4 pillars that i hope to get my message across. it is why i end almost all of my newsletters with “i don’t have all the answers.” in fact, i think if someone claims that they do they are probably lacking in integrity. it is through these 4 pillars that i maintain the conviction of my central message:
liberation is all our responsibility, and together we will achieve it.
it is these 4 pillars that draw me to my indigenous spiritual beliefs. it is these 4 pillars that inform my writing practice and my pottery. it is these 4 pillars that guide my marriage and my friendships. when i feel like i’m treading water in an endless ocean of despair and subjugation, i find respite at these 4 life preservers that i’ve built.
you don’t have to have the same eulogy values as me to make a difference, but what i will encourage you to do is find at least one pillar that allows you to reach out your hand toward others. if we can see the world through the eyes of someone else, even if they are different from us in every way, we can deliver the message of true liberation.
we have to go where people are and learn to communicate with each other across difference. we will not be free if we are only interested in being right and getting ahead. if you’d like to help me get through to the people who need to hear it most, you can start with my latest zine.
the thing is, even those who seek to eradicate other human beings have unmet needs and unhealed wounds. even those who use their wealth and power to kill people deserve to have food, shelter, water, and healthcare. these things are still true, even when they steal the basic needs from others all over the world. i can’t objectively prove it, but i believe in one universal truth:
all human beings deserve to live healthy, free, dignified lives where their basic needs are met.
i will keep moving forward toward this truth, until someday someone at my funeral tells people about it.
xoxo,
kuya von
i showed you my gooey center, please respond 👉👈
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