a venture north
this one is really leaning into the beverage of it all
hey y’all,
i spent a week in portland maine with my love to celebrate our one-year marriage anniversary, and it brought me back to myself in many ways. this is our third year visiting in the last week of october, and i count down the days every year. the breeze is chilled, but the sun is warm. the black ice of the casco bay gently bobs the lobster traps along its surface, and the air smells like balsam and brine. it’s one of the most magical places in the country to me.
plus, it has the best coffee scene save for maybe brooklyn. my coffee order, most of the time, is a cold brew with chocolate and half & half. i do not like iced espresso. i think it destroys the depth and emphasizes the acridness. further, espresso, for me, is nothing without the crema. that make portland perfect for my pallet, as i’m only there during the time of year when i actually want a hot drink.
some of my tried and true favs are tandem, smalls, and bard, but this time we stayed one block over from the ugly duckling. we’d never tried it, and we ended up going twice. they make their own english muffins in-house, and their salted honey mocha was one of the best lattes i’ve ever had. and their mugs were made by hand! it’s a delight to be able to tell.
on our way back, we stopped into philly to see my tattoo artist who has been the only person to decorate me since 2018. i got a sweet little bunny prince on shin, and finished up the piece on my right bicep that we started last fall. we also popped by otto’s old employer, which happens to have my favorite cold brew in the city. after i enjoyed that, i decided to grab their seasonal latte to-go. it’s called “the buzz” which is a cardamon cappuccino with blackstrap molasses. it was thick, spicy, and rich and gone way too fast. menagerie just started roasting their own beans and i’m convinced that there’s nothing that april, the owner, can’t do.
i came home from the trip with a lot of clarity, closure, and alignment. i thought that i might feel the familiar pang of nostalgia visiting philly. it’s been less than a year since i left. i was surprised to find that i felt utterly neutral. it’s a lovely place to visit, there’s people i love and miss who live there, but there was a sense of relief that i would get to go home after. in the last year that i lived there, i constantly felt like i was waiting to feel relief.
every time i logged off from my abusive job, every time i came home from a draining errand, every time i walked in the door from my most-beloved spin class, i waited to exhale and settle into my home for the night. upon leaving and coming back, it dawned on me that i was white knuckling it for a long time. i realize now, in hindsight, just how hard i was slamming my roundness into the squareness that was philadelphia.
i did not belong there. it was deteriorating me. it’s not all her fault, though, and it’s not anything inherently awful about the city itself. what i discovered was that my body was still holding onto all the awful things i experienced while living here. even though i have finally been able to take a breath and heal after being back in north carolina for the last 10 months, physically being in philly made my body remember.
it wasn’t until i left and came back that i realized how much trauma i had been carrying. another frame is this: i did not realize how much better i’m doing now until i went to the place where i was at my lowest. i was so afraid of moving back to north carolina. i was worried i was regressing, or running from success, or seeking comfort and familiarity instead of getting out of my comfort zone.
being away from philly helped me recognize all the things i love about it, and has allowed me to truly enjoy them. while lying on the scratchy sheets of my 3rd floor walk-up airbnb in chinatown, i was able to release myself of the shame of coming home. i had not been defeated — i had ventured out, explored, and matured. through the maturation, i was able to acknowledge that my heart is in north carolina.
it is not shameful to come home. it is not a moral failing to seek comfort in times of crisis. you don’t have to struggle in a place that’s not right for to earn your success. i might not be down here forever, but this is absolutely where i am meant to be right now. i can tell when i walk through the door of my 4th-floor apartment and immediately exhale. i hope wherever you are allows you to do the same.
xoxo,
kuya von
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“don't you remember how we used to split a drink? it never mattered what it was. i think our hands were just that close. the sweetness never lasts, you know.”
jet pack blues, fall out boy
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