hey y’all,

it’s december. a year since i moved back to north carolina after getting married to the love of my life. i haven’t been enjoying too many beverages of late, because i’m recovering from surgery and starting a new hair loss treatment. i’ve been trying minoxidil on and half for several years, and i finally took the plunge with nutrafol at the recommendation of my hairstylist, kiko. so, i’ve mostly been drinking hot ginger tea with collagen and fiber.

i’ll let you know if that makes any difference in my hairline. at the end of this year, i’m feeling…strange. i finally went through with getting a gender-affirming care procedure that i’ve been putting off for four years. my recovery has coincided with the largest scale federal attack on gender-affirming care in the country’s history. i am treating my post-surgical nausea and loss of appetite with delta 9 amidst an executive-legislative battle over how to classify marijuana under the new budget bill.

the world turns, and we continue. i will admit, this year has been extremely challenging on a personal level. this isn’t another martyrdom-flavored linkedin post to sell you consulting services. this year was challenging because i made it that way. my biggest lesson learned this year is that trying to heal trauma, be emotionally intelligent and considerate, do the right thing, confront injustice, and maintain your own material needs is extremely fucking hard.

every year of my life, i’ve planned big things for the next year. i always have benchmarks to strive for by the end of the year, from big to small. 2025’s were:

• get into an actual routine to bring some rhythm and predictability to my life

• exercise more regularly

• start ceramics and be consistent in my study

• finish a short story and submit it to some prestigious magazines

• settle back into north carolina after being away

• start EMDR therapy

• get a new job

i should feel proud to say that i achieved all of these, except for getting a new job. it should feel accomplished and satisfying. and some of it, truly, does. i went to 50 pilates classes this year! i am objectively much stronger and healthier, which i have been striving for all my life. pilates did so much for me mentally, physically, and emotionally this year. i’m really missing it while i recover from surgery.

similarly, i feel greatly accomplished by having completed a short story. it’s just over 3,000 words and it took me all year. at times, i felt frustrated by how long it was taking me, but in the end, i really appreciated letting something take the time it took. great things are often not made quickly. writing has felt hard this year, and finishing anything at all was a stretch goal. the story i ended up with, i’m extremely proud of. i can’t wait to share it when it’s published.

ceramics, too, has been deeply satisfying and restorative. i spend about four hours, three times a week, at the pottery studio. i’ve gone from barely being able to center to being discerning about what i fire based on how technically sound it is. i have so much further to go, but again, i don’t feel in a hurry. i’ve been able to tangibly see the fruits of my labor for the first time in a long time. and while that has been so important for me this year, a deeper truth emerged: the act of making is worthy of doing, regardless of the outcome.

i also have some regular, low-stakes, friendly relationships at claymakers. people that i see all the time, who i’m happy to run into and are happy to run into me. people who know what i’m currently working on in my ceramics practice, and asking me questions about my progress. people whose art i have begun to recognize on the shelves. it isn’t any deeper than that, and it has been crucial in healing my relationship with strangers. after 5 years of somewhat extreme agoraphobia and a loss of faith in humanity, having regularly, pleasant interactions with people that don’t know me very well is very important.

with all that said, you’d think i would feel more…content this december. some semblance of serenity from the accomplishment of my own goals. but, my reality since 2020 has been a slow deterioration in my faith. this time of year often brings musings about faith. i do think it’s important for human beings to have belief systems for their mental and emotional wellness. this doesn’t necessarily mean religious faith. even atheism is a belief system (chew on that philosophers).

after experiencing some pretty intense religious trauma in my adolescence from the pentecostal church, my belief system became faith in humanity. up until this year, i fiercely believed in us. all of us. i believed, deeply, that we as a species are hard-wired to care of each other. that even those most evil in our world are capable of change and care, if given enough love and resources. this is one of the core pillars of this newsletter — i wanted to show others that believing in the good of others and striving for a world where that is our default setting is not only possible, but inevitable. a better world will be, if we only dream it.

2026 will mark my 15th year in the movement for social justice. i am entering it with lost faith. this, i believe, is the root of my feelings of defeat at the end of 2025. it turns out, investing all of your mental and emotional well-being into other people being decent is not a sustainable belief system. while i’m proud of myself for getting out EMDR therapy, it is extremely fucking hard. i’m peeling back the layers and layers of tall tales i’ve been telling myself in order to survive for the last 31 years of being alive.

some of those stories just aren’t true. and i’m currently forming new protective stories in response to my circumstances that are equally not true. it’s demoralizing to discover that trauma doesn’t end in childhood, and that i am actively being traumatized by living in the U.S. and continuing to be in an abusive workplace for going on 3 years. that’s actively happening to me. and how i used to cope was future-pilling myself. that childlike hope that says “all this is temporary, one day i’ll make it, and then they’ll see.”

at a certain point in adulthood, you realize that this is all there is. there is no “one day.” one day, is right now. it’s every single day. whatever you’re doing right now is your life. you actually control very little, and very little is guaranteed. this requires you to have an internal compass that is constantly pointing you toward whatever it is you want. EMDR has shown me that my compass has been broken for a long time, and the work of my thirties will be rebuilding it.

rebuilding the essence of who you are after decades of who you’ve been is, it turns out, a tall order. progress is hard to measure. goals are hard to set. some of the work is just figuring out how to live with yourself in the day-to-day, which is a skill i don’t have. i’ve been soothing the ache of my own needs and dreams by pouring myself entirely into the needs of other through social justice and activism. the story i told myself was this gave me the moral high ground, and it didn’t matter if i was unhappy because it was in service to something larger than me, and when i finally get everyone on my page, then i can acknowledge my personhood.

i thought i worshipped at the altar of social justice. i thought that was my north star. i believe i was born with an innate sense of fairness, and identified injustice everywhere i went. and while i knew i had creative and social desires, the deep faith i had in a just world overtook me every time. i made a career out of fighting for what is right, at the expense of myself and my actual dreams because i believed that was what i was put on this earth to do.

but deeper than that, and perhaps the actual root of that, is i believed, and in fact worshipped, the belief that if i gave enough of myself, people would like me. maybe even love me. my virtuous self-sacrifice in service of something larger than me would prove everyone from my childhood wrong that i was inherently unlovable. what i discovered this year, through the deepest trauma therapy i’ve ever engaged in, is if you rely upon external validation, you will be empty all your life.

this is something i objectively knew, but did not truly internalize on a spiritual level. one of my favorite things i watched this year was rainn wilson’s episode of last meals, on mythical kitchen with josh scherer.

being in my 30s has cured me of the social contagion that is enjoyment = endorsement. i didn’t agree with everything rainn said in this episode, but it was a deeply insightful and interesting watch. he shared a lot about wounds from his childhood that disconnected him from his faith, but in his adulthood he found his way back to it with a new perspective. he has a podcast called soulboom, where his thesis statement is that the world needs a spiritual revival. that spiritual atrophy is the cause of our current circumstances.

he speaks with so much conviction. i believe him that he deeply believes what he is saying. i can see my previously deep faith in justice reflected in his conviction of his bahai faith. the first thing i said to my therapist when we began seeing each other in march was that i feel i have no belief system. have y’all seen the white lotus season 3 finale monologue from carrie coon?

media literacy and analysis aside, i saw myself in her. her lack of direction and self-worth, her gratitude at just being invited by her lifelong friends who treat her terribly, her acceptance of the bare minimum because she doesn’t know what else to ask for. i don’t know who i am or what i want anymore without my belief in other people. and truly, that is what i have lost faith in. as a social scientist, a researcher, and a statistical analyst, i am an evidence-based person.

the data i have amassed over the last 5 years does not point to people being inherently good. it points toward an overwhelming commitment to self-interest, dishonesty, and abuse. i have watched time and time again as people in our corrupt government and in our movements choose to harm each other in service of their own agenda. i have watched people not only normalize but glorify cruelty toward each other online. the fastest way to social clout is to disparage someone else, while positioning yourself as the sole truth-teller.

i feel exhausted and confused. i don’t trust anyone. i expect the worst in others all the time. i feel petulant and angry that people won’t give what i give. every act of kindness paid me feels neutral-to-hostile, because each one is a single drop in a bone-dry, empty cup. i deserve that kindness, and more. i earned it, didn’t i?

but that’s just it, you aren’t owed anything because there are no debts. you shouldn’t have to earn kindness and care, so you shouldn’t feel the deficit. i had quietly and chronically entered into a social contract with the entire world that it didn’t consent to. i want to believe in something as deeply as rainn believes in his bahai faith, and faith in general, as a cure for the cultural and spiritual rot we all currently live in. i have a sneaking suspicion that where the data ends, faith begins.

in light of that, here are my goals for 2026:

• go out a lot more. i’m going to go queer line dancing 3 times a week, and go clubbing across the street on the weekends. i need to get back into the LGBTQ+ community without the burden of expected reciprocity. just go and be.

• complete the roots and rebirth program from the brown psych (dr. nette) to get in touch with myself through a fil-am cultural lens.

• read sikodiwa by carl lorenz cervantes to deepen my study on filipino psychology and animism.

• with guidance from dr. joey liu and simone seol, begin a regular ritual of speaking to my ancestors. no matter how underserving i feel, no matter how unfamiliar it is.

• start taking voice and piano lessons from annie roncolato, at skylark music school.

if you’re prone to pattern recognition, you might see that i am looking to others for many of these goals. i think it’s important i get back into a place of learning and growing, instead of leading. truthfully, i feel i need support and guidance while i’m rebuilding my sense of self. i’ve already taken some steps to build my confidence with myself:

• i got a coach! i’m going to start working with vince tango in january and i’m very excited.

• i’m getting back into the conference circuit, starting with AWP in march! i’ll be doing their work exchange program, helping support the logistics of the event in exchange for attendance (and if you’re going too, let me know).

i feel that 2026 will be the first year since COVID changed my life forever that i will be charting the course instead of sailing through storms. i have let life sort of happen to me since being totally destabilized, and i want to start using my compass. every year since 2020 has been a constant flashing billboard that says “DANGER, GET SAFE! DANGER, REDUCE RISK! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!” 2025 was no different, but at some point i became fatigued with being afraid.

last year, my new year’s resolution was to journal every day. i was the type of kid and teen that kept a diary and a scrapbook, but i’d lost this communion with myself as i entered the workforce. i decided to use a daily prompt journal from inside then out to get me started. there were many times this year where the prompts either mildly annoyed me or fully pissed me off, but on the whole it did help me make sense of myself throughout this spiritually tumultuous year. i’m looking forward to starting the dig deeper journal in 2026, and hopefully graduating to journaling without prompts. this is extremely vulnerable, but i’d like to share some pages to close out this last newsletter of the year.

in this entry, i believed that coming home to north carolina would be the cure. i thought i’d magically get my spark back and everything would get easier. but it’s true what they say — wherever i go there i am. this next entry is from last week.

my through-line seemingly hasn’t changed. i want to enjoy my life. now, admittedly, i wrote this last entry less than 24 hours after getting surgery and was very much still marinating in the side effects of anesthesia and fentanyl. there’s something honest in how little effort i was giving to sounding smart or introspective. just raw frustration. coming out of my pharmaceutical stupor, and looking ahead to a fresh start, i feel less frustrated. i feel a tentative and fragile hope. even in the most desperate circumstances, hope is hard to kill. i have been reaching for survival and preservation for quite some time, and in 2026, i would like to try to live.

let me know what your 2026 outlook is. what are you dreaming of? what are you committed to? what are you leaving behind? what do you need to get off your chest? let my inbox be your confessional.

and if you stuck with me this year, thank you and i love you. see you on the other side.

xoxo,

kuya von