I’m about to drive to Toronto to give my apartment keys to the cleaning crew I hired. They’ll start tmrw and be there for the next few days. I’m hoping everything goes smoothly.

My chest and throat are still hurting from inhaling all that cement dust. I went to see the doctor on Sunday, and she said my lungs sound clear but that she’d like me to use a puffer for the next week. I’ve never used one before. It has a strange aftertaste.

My days still feel strange. I miss Muskoka so much. I still can’t believe he’s gone. My routine is all over the place. I’m going to bed much later (K is a night owl) and getting up later too. He lives in a basement, so I feel like I’m in a dark cave most of the time, which is great for sleeping, but I need more light! Also, the people upstairs have the AC running full blast all day long regardless of the weather, so I’m bundled up like a winter’s night even though it's melt-your-face-off hot outside. The contrast is jarring.

I feel like I’m at the precipice of two different paths. On my solo walks, I ask myself: do I start a new life in the country here with K, or do I look for a new place in Toronto? I’ve been applying to jobs in both places, seeing where the universe might want to nudge me. Paying close attention to sparks of intuition that will lead me in the right direction.

I do love it here in the country. My walks are so quiet apart from bird songs and the occasional lawn mower. K has been so supportive and loving over this past month. I don’t know what I would do without him. I love our country drives, small market explorations, dinner with his parents, a slower pace of life.

🐦‍⬛

heart-ons

• I’m collecting women role models who are talking about perimenopause, embracing their gray hair, and allowing themselves to be their age without trying to look younger. Women who are focusing more on how things make them feel as opposed to how they look. This interview with Stacy London was a delight.

• How to stay awake to your own life by Maja feels like a potent reminder for me right now, esp in this in-between life era I’m currently navigating.

• Sonali Menezes made a zine about apartment life hardships while living in Hamilton. This inspires me to make more art around present feelings, esp if it helps others navigate similar circumstances. Maybe a zine around pet grief, or a mini zine around navigating apartment disasters and sharing resources. It feels good to focus on creative ideas.