Howdy folks — I’m in the process of cleaning out my Substack drafts and came across this absolute doozy of a post I wrote almost two years ago.

I’m in a different headspace and financial situation now (thank god lol), but it still feels super relevant in the times we’re in right now. I guess it felt too “real” to publish in the moment, but I wanted to share it as a way of releasing where I was, and in hopes that it offers some sort of support to you now.

xoxox Andrea

I talk a lot about work and compassion. Honoring rhythms and choosing aligned work. I’ve been told my content makes people feel good, feel seen, feel more like themselves in a system that wasn’t designed for them.

I am so grateful to be a source of solace for folks in that way. In my work and writing, I try to focus on what the collective “we” (either business owners or individual contributors) can control, even if it feels insignificant. To focus on hopeful small action.

But I’ve personally found there can be a lot of release and resonance when the uncontrollable is named, when I can acknowledge that hope feels less accessible than usual.

So, content warning: This post is being written from the shadows.

Growing up, I heard the phrases “follow your passion and the money will come,” or “there’s more to life than money.” Stay true to yourself. Don’t sell out. Follow your heart.

I did everything “right” according to the capitalist American dream. Went to college. Grad school. Worked my way up whoever-the-fuck’s ladder, stress and imposter syndrome rising with every promotion or salary increase. I lived with my parents for two years to save money before getting my own place, building better financial habits and savings along the way. Gave up living on my own to cut expenses after getting laid off.

95% of my therapy sessions over the past five years have been almost completely work-related, because work has consumed a good portion of my adult life, even though it’s always felt like the least fulfilling part of it.

The truth is, I made way more money ignoring my passions and interests than I ever have following them. I feel the most aligned with my career now than I ever have been and I’ve never been more financially insecure. Fortunately, I don’t have anything work-related to talk to a therapist about because I can’t afford to see a therapist anyway.

I named all of this in a sacred “venting” container filled with people I trust to witness these feelings of scarcity and frustration. It doesn’t always feel safe to express these “negative” feelings in the choose gratitude, abundance mindset, manifest-that-shit self-help spiral I often find myself in.

I realize there are currencies beyond money. And it does help me to focus on the things I do have, which is a lot! I have an abundance of time, flexibility, spaciousness, and freedom.

And, it feels like I cannot afford to live in this economy without selling my soul to the capitalist devil. At this point, I’m not even sure the capitalist devil would read my application.

The reason I’m choosing to write about this publicly is because there was resounding resonance amongst the private group I shared with. There is struggle going largely undiscussed because — for many complex reasons — it’s difficult to express beyond internal dialogue, closed-door whispers, and dark-humored TikToks.

I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet. If I thought it was impossible to meet my human and financial needs, I’d probably give up on Type C altogether.

But damn, is it hard out here.

Depending on your algorithm, it’s possible you only see people winning. Booking. Spending. Basking in the glow of abundance mindset. And it’s okay if you’re not there mentally right now. You aren’t alone if you’re not there mentally right now.

Because, damn, it’s hard out here.