I did the math this morning and realized I have felt ill for 33 of the past 41 days. Meaning, in the past 41 days of my life, I’ve felt capable and healthy for EIGHT of them.

I was thinking this morning about how I feel like a broken record to everyone around me, including myself. How many times can I pull the “I’m sick” card, even if it’s true?

Truthfully, I haven’t been feeling super productive lately, and I’ve started to develop a ‘not-enough’ complex.

So, because I like data, I decided to pull some from the various tracking systems I use for my health and productivity (mainly: Google Cal, TickTick, Toggl, Aavia, and Oura). Here’s what I found…

In the last 41 days, I:

• went to the doctor four times (twice virtually, twice in-person).

• took three rounds of antibiotics.

• have gotten an average of 6.5 hours of sleep a night, which is an hour to 1.5 hours less than I usually get/need.

• have felt fatigued more days than not (average 50-85% of the time over the last 5 phases of my cycle).

In the last 41 days, I also:

• attended 40 work meetings, most of which I led.

• cancelled 8 work meetings because I wasn’t feeling well.

• took zero full weekdays off work, including national holidays, and have worked 30-40 hours/week across all internal projects and clients.

• wrote seven Substack posts.

• completed hundreds of tasks, including content for my first brand partnership and a grant application.

• have had immeasurable guilt over missed and rescheduled due dates.

I didn’t have the desire to go back and count the amount of emails I’ve sent over the past 41 days but I imagine it’s somewhere in the hundreds.

As I look back at these numbers, I feel a sense of sadness. That despite everything I’ve been dealing with physically, I still managed to get a lot done — and that still doesn’t feel like enough to me.

I feel sad that despite owning my own business, and taking on all the risks of entrepreneurship on the chin, I can’t seem to escape capitalism. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid. And I can’t afford not to get paid.

I feel sad that there are so many people in this country living with chronic illness who may have been conditioned to fight against the rest their bodies need in order to make a living.

I feel sad that I have, objectively, not effectively rested over the past 41 days but still feel like I’ve taken too much time to slow down.

Earlier this week, I saw a Trixie Mattel video pop up in my Youtube feed. Trixie, who is one of the most booked and busy drag queens in the entire world, announced she’s taking a 3-month sabbatical — no social media, no gigs, no drag whatsoever.

If you have 15 minutes to spare, I highly recommend watching it! I found it so interesting that Trixie (whose “real name” is Brian) has all the money and privilege I could dream of and still has a hard time with rest. In the video, Brian reflected on what it was like growing up poor, how that experience still impacts him today, and how it contributes to his inability to say no to opportunities despite it negatively impacting his physical and mental health.

What now?

I don’t have a grand lesson or practical advice for you at the moment, I’m just thinking out loud. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. Well, Houston…

I do think this is a wonderful opportunity for me to reflect on my boundaries, commitments, and routines. If I find a meaningful way of doing that, I’ll share it with you. If there’s a trick you use in times like this, I’d love to hear it! Feel free to comment or send me an email: hello@typec-creative.com

I think I’m going to take a nap now?

Peace, love and workflows,

Andrea