Goodbye, Meow
In Theory - Episode 99
You’re a cat. In space. When you sit on the couch and look out the window, you see planets, moons, stars. Perhaps the streaks of subspace. Inside your quarters, things are much more down to Earth. Your person, an android named Data, is getting dumped. And all you can do is watch from the next room as Lieutenant Jenna D’Sora breaks his sweet li’l positronic net.
In response to season 4, episode 25 “In Theory” I wrote a play about cats and breakups. But before we dive in you should take a moment to enjoy a picture of a cat. Here’s one:
Gosh, that’s a good cat.
Ok, here’s the play! It’s called:
Goodbye, Meow
Characters:
Abby - Late 20s to Early 30s. A PhD candidate at the local university. She’s dressed cozily for a night in on the couch: leggings, a baggy sweater, hair in a frazzled ponytail, New York Yankees ballcap.
Thumper - 5 to 7 years old. Orange tabby cat. Thumper wears a jogging suit or matching exercise outfit. No tail, ears, whiskers, fur, or makeup. Could have a faint hint of a New York accent. It’s totally cool if you occasionally forget Thumper is a cat.
Lights up on the living and kitchen area of a shabby, downtown apartment: couch, coffee table, kitchen cabinet, not much else onstage. Thumper enters from USL, quietly, looking over his shoulder as though he just put a baby down for naptime. He stretches, and spends several moments getting comfy on the couch. As soon as he settles he is startled by a loud KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. He jumps off the couch, races to the front door USR, checks the peep hole, and opens the door.
Thumper: Oh, hey Abby! Long time no see! Come in, come in. Meow are you? Sorry about the mess.
Abby: Hello, good boy! (she puts her bag down on the couch and turns to Thumper, scratches his ears.) Ben honey, I’m here! Tonight’s the night!
Thumper: Tonight? You’ve got to be kitten me. Why a Friday?
Abby: Who knows? So we can spend all weekend celebrating or self-destructing, I guess. Be-en!
Thumper: Shhhhh hey hey hey it’s late! Thin apartment walls. Think of the neighbors.
Abby: (whispering) Sorry! (normal volume) I would’ve been here ages ago but there was a show or something at Rupp that was getting out - trying to get to this side of downtown was impossible. (She crosses to her bag and unpacks her laptop, notebooks, and other grad student paraphernalia.)
Thumper: You really think it’ll be tonight?
Abby: (reciting) “Per guidelines established by the College of Arts & Sciences and published in the Department of History handbook, all decisions regarding the bestowal of doctoral degrees on PhD candidates during the current academic year will be communicated in writing and transmitted via electronic mail by midnight, Friday the 18th of this month.”
Thumper: Wow, you know it by heart.
Abby: I’ve been in college for 9 years. I know everything by heart. Just think, in a few more months I’ll be teaching in the pacific northwest, or maybe one of those tiny New England college towns, comfortably overworked and underpaid as a non-tenure track full-time “instructor”, teaching Western Culture 101 to doe-eyed freshmen, dreaming of the day a colleague dies and I become a real professor. Doctor Abigail Webb Martin, PhD.
Thumper: That’s the dream?
Abby: That’s the dream.
Thumper: What time is it?
Abby: 11:54
Thumper: Cutting it close, aren’t they?
Abby: Yeah, well, in academia “due by midnight” means “submitted at 11:59:59” True for students, true for teachers.
Thumper: So in the next five minutes or so-
Abby: I’ll be a doctor. Or…Where’s Ben? He better not be smoking.
Thumper: No, no he’s definitely not smoking. It’s been months.
Abby: So where is he?
Thumper: Nowhere.
Abby: He can’t be nowhere.
Thumper: He’s in the bedroom.
Abby: Well go get him! He’ll want to be here for this!
Thumper: You’re right, he totally would.
Abby: “Would”?
Thumper: He knows how huge this is for you, he’s been talking about it constantly. It’s just…
Abby: Spit it out.
Thumper: He’s asleep.
Abby: Really? He knew I was coming over. I know I’m late but we made plans days ago. (checking her phone) He didn’t text me or anything.
(overlapping)
Thumper: For sure, he did, I think, you know, it was just a tough week at work and he needed to um…rest his eyes.
Abby: Rest his eyes?
Thumper: Exactly.
Abby: Thumper, what’s going on here?
Thumper: Nothing! Why, what’s going on with you? Besides the whole doctor thing. You look strong, have you been working out?
Abby: (flattered) Really? I thought I looked pretty ratty but actually I have been using these resistance bands lately and they really give me a good HEY, nice try, Thumper! I want to talk to Ben.
Thumper: No you don’t.
Abby: I don’t?
Thumper: You don’t. You can’t.
Abby: I can’t? Watch me. (crosses to bedroom door)
Thumper: No! Wait! You can’t go in. He’s sick!
Abby: Sick?
Thumper: Sick. You know how his stomach is. Always acting up. Especially when he’s stressed.
Abby: Maybe you’re right. He has been complaining a lot lately.
Thumper: About his stomach?
Abby: About everything. I’m just going to pop in for a sec.
Thumper: (Desperate) Well I am going to tear up your hat! (Thumper runs across the stage and holds Abby’s ballcap high above his head, claws bared.)
Abby: No! Thumper! Bad boy! Ben gave me that!
Thumper: Better come stop me!
(Abby crosses towards Thumper and it’s only when she’s all the way to the couch that he drops the hat and runs back to his post in front of the bedroom door USL.)
Abby: What’s got into you?! I’ve never seen you this worked up before. (digging through her very large bag.) You know I think I have exactly what you need. (She pulls out a cat toy, a colorful, jangly ball.)
Thumper: I don’t need anything!
Abby: Then let me into the bedroom.
Thumper: I cannot do that.
Abby: Oh? How about now? (She shakes the jangly ball, trying to get Thumper’s attention, before she throws it into the opposite corner. Thumper doesn’t budge.)
Thumper: Not a chance.
(Abby goes back to her bag, she pulls out a ribbon wand cat toy. She moves closer to Thumper, waving the wand all around her, trying everything to distract him.)
Abby: (sing-songy) Loook at the pre-etty ribbon, Thumper!
Thumper: (Following the toy with his eyes, using all his focus to speak.) You’ve clearly mistaken me…for some kind of dog. Only a drooling, mangy, flea-ridden mutt would fall for these asinine tricks.
Abby: Tricks don’t work? What about treats? (Again from her bag she retrieves a large box of cat treats. She shakes the box at Thumper before removing one treat and throwing it in the middle of the room.)
Thumper: TREAT! (Thumper rushes for the treat, but when Abby makes her move for the bedroom door he slides back at the last minute.)
Abby: OK Thumper. I can see I’ve underestimated you. Just promise me Ben is OK.
Thumper: He has everything he needs. And I’ve been checking on him! You know how he gets. Hey, what time is it?
Abby: What a great question. Why don’t I just reach into my pocket and pull out my phone to check and a-HA! (Instead of a phone she pulls out a laser pointer.)
Thumper: Abby. Is that a…
Abby: Oh this thing? Are you asking about this thing?
Thumper: Be reasonable. Please. I’m begging.
Abby: You don’t sound like you’re begging.
Thumper: You know this isn’t fair.
Abby: (She points the laser at the couch, making the red dot dance on the middle cushion) Thumper! What’s that on the couch?
Thumper: What is it?
Abby: Is it a juicy red dot?
Thumper: Yeah. Yeah it is.
Abby: You better get it.
Thumper: I wanna get it.
Abby: You better get it!
Thumper: I’m gonna get it! (He pounces on the couch, but the dot is too fast.)
Abby: Uh oh! Where’d it go?
Thumper: Abby PLEASE stop. I know what you’re doing.
(As the play continues Abby zips the dot across the room, and each time Thumper chases after it.)
Abby: Yeah? What am I doing? (zip) Am I playing with the best boy in the world?
Thumper: …yes.
Abby: (zip) Who’s the best boy in the world?
Thumper: I am.
Abby: (zip) Who’s the good boy?
Thumper: It’s me. I’m the good boy.
Abby: (zip) And you know what good boys do?
Thumper: Get their ears scratched?
Abby: (approaching Thumper) Good boy cats listen to their humans.
Thumper: Whoa, lady. Pump the breaks. You aren’t my human.
Abby: Well…not like, in the eyes of the law, per se, but come on! I’m dating your human.
Thumper: Are you?
Abby: What’s that supposed to mean?
Thumper: It’s just been a while since I’ve seen you over here is all.
With a frustrated huff Abby turns the laser back on and uses it to make Thumper run back and forth across the stage several times. Eventually, Abby leads Thumper into the DS right corner and counters towards the bedroom door. She turns to the door. Thumper realizes too late he’s been duped.
Thumper: Abby! No!
DING - a loud alert from Abby’s laptop. She stops in her tracks, moves quickly to the computer and reads from the screen.
Abby: “The faculty and staff of the Department of History, having conferred blah blah blah, your dissertation satisfies or exceeds blah blah blah Congratulations on your achievement DOCTOR MARTIN!”
Abby is ecstatic. Thumper is swept up in her energy and joins the celebration. They hug, jump up and down, and share a celebratory kiss. It turns into something almost romantic. They separate and look into each other’s eyes.
Abby: Oh my god. (pause) Whhhyyyy did I kiss a cat on the mouth?? What does he feed you, toenails??
Abby races through the apartment looking for something, anything, to take the taste (and hair!) out of her mouth. She empties her bag on the coffee table, searching for gum or candy. Eventually she starts opening kitchen cabinets, looking for a cup, a bottle of water, anything. Before Thumper can stop her she opens the last cabinet and discovers a large, mostly empty bottle of bourbon.
Abby: Oh, Ben. Oh no. Oh baby. He told me - months ago. I begged him.
Thumper: I know. I was there.
Abby: When you said he was sick.
Thumper: I meant it.
Abby: (holding the bottle) He didn’t even hide it. He lied to me, and then didn’t even hide it. Just put it away like normal. What happened?
Thumper: Nothing.
Abby: I mean what happened to -
Thumper: Nothing. He just came home from work like usual and had it with him. He opened it before he even took off his coat.
Abby: Oh Thumper.
Thumper: No, I’m ok. We sat together for a long time before he needed to lie down. He has everything he needs. Water, a waste basket.
Abby: You?
Thumper: Yeah. Me too.
Abby: And me.
Thumper: I don’t think so.
Abby: No, I don’t think so either. (She puts the bottle back and closes the cabinet.) Thumper. I need to see Ben.
Thumper has run out of excuses and cannot respond. He can only move out of Abby’s way. She walks offstage into Ben’s bedroom. While she is gone, Thumper begins to pack Abby’s things, including the cat toys and treats. After a few moments Abby returns, shaken.
Abby: He looks so calm. I - I said his name. A few times. And I touched his shoulder. I shouldn’t have touched him but I did, I shook him a little. He didn’t move. Just steady, hot breath. Dead to the world. Peaceful. (pause) Will you try to tell him?
Thumper: He’ll understand. Eventually. He’ll be happy for you.
Abby: Eventually. Will he be ok?
Thumper: When he was still up in New York, after grad school, Ben didn’t have two dimes to rub together. (referring to the shabby apartment) He still doesn’t. But he took me in off the streets of Brooklyn. Almost six years we’ve been together, and thanks to Ben I still have all nine lives. We’ve seen a lot. But we’re both still here.
Abby: Will you give him this? (Abby removes her Yankees cap, and hands it to Thumper.)
Thumper: I will.
Abby: You’re a good boy.
Thumper: Congratulations.
Abby: Goodbye, meow.
Abby leaves through the USR door. Thumper follows to make sure the door is shut. He crosses, listens to the bedroom door. Satisfied that Ben is ok, Thumper stretches, and spends several moments getting comfy on the couch.
Lights fade to black.
End of Play
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