If you look through Bluesky, and probably some other social platforms, you will find many US-based captives of Fox Network’s FIFA deal complaining about the coverage. And I’m with them.  

This time around, they’ve upped the ante by including just an atrocious line up of commentators beyond the usual (irritating) suspects of Alexi Lalas and Carli Lloyd. I believe it’s what people refer to as a “nightmare blunt rotation.”

Also, as someone who is not a fan of the US men’s team aka USMNT, the debatably reasonable level of coverage of them, over the other 47 teams, is a little exhausting if you don’t care. I don’t hate them or anything, I might even wish them well, I just truly do not care.

So I was already planning on flexing my VPN muscles to watch the Spanish coverage by RTVE, but then I got a message at 4am from a friend in the UK, who we’ll call Dennis to protect his identity. Dennis asked me, like any dear friend would, “Do you have access to the World Cup games? I can [redacted method of sailing the internet high seas].”

And you know what, first of all, what a pal. No sarcasm here, I’m touched. Dennis is a real one.

What proceeded after this, however, was a good 4 hour battle where we learned so many new things. Like, did you know, even if your Google account appears to be in the UK, you cannot download UK apps without a UK-based address and payment card? I didn’t. I do now.

Dennis and I should have walked away so many times, but unfortunately both of us have the type of brain that once we start a project like that, we either triumph, or perish in defeat. We would not give up, for better or worse. I will now be able to watch World Cup matches on BBC and ITV, in addition to Spain’s RTVE and Fox and Telemundo in the US.

All of that to say, I will be watching the World Cup this year from three locations: Spain, England, and the US. For legal reasons, I will be flying between all these locations and legally accessing all the coverage and will not be violating any Terms of Service.

On one hand, I’m pretty used to these three countries’s coverage of the sport. I watch all the Spanish national teams matches on RTVE. I love those teams too much to listen to anyone who does not love those teams cover their matches. I pay £40 a year to get the radio coverage of Stoke City FC’s men’s games. And then, I watch a lot of the sport on the US airwaves. But I have only ever previously watched World Cups on US television.

So this is new! And exciting! What will be different? Will I get annoyed hearing “Football’s Coming Home”? Will I start accidentally speaking with a British accent or in rapid fire Spanish? Who knows!

I am interested to hear different styles of commentary, especially when it comes to neutral matches for RTVE and UK broadcasters.

I have a pretty robust community of sports friends, some who are internet-based, some I know in the flesh, but one thing that seems universal is that no one agrees on what “good” commentary is. Some people hate the filler, others hate dead air. Some people want the player stories, some just want the stats.  

Personally, I have a pretty high tolerance for commentary, at least compared to other people I talk to. I know I couldn’t do it. String mildly coherent sentences together for two 45 minute halves without swearing or umming or just losing my mind? I could never. I would embarrass myself, my family, my ancestors. I would bring shame upon my whole family.

I do have my limits though.

My biggest pet peeve is the overuse of clichés. The commentary world suffers from a cliché addiction, which I understand, to some extent. They have to fill the air, that’s literally part of the job. They don’t have time to think of the perfect phrase, to use filler “ums,” they just have to say words that almost make sense, even if the words are trite. And so we get clichés. Where I start to lose my patience is when, in a single game, the same cliché gets repeated endlessly, until it becomes something of a verbal tic.  

Conversely, one of my favorite commentators ever is Ray Hudson, a polarizing voice who recently retired, and was known for making some of the most absurd metaphors the footballing world has ever heard. You can’t accuse the man of using clichés, that’s for sure.

Speaking of polarizing, there are some commentators who inspire a lot of discussion. In the women’s sport, both in the US and UK, there’s a huge amount of hate for Lianne Sanderson, though personally, I’m neutral on her. In the US, Carli Lloyd and Alexi Lalas are notorious. I can’t speak to other countries, but I’m sure having a sports commentator that inspires ire is universal.

Alexi Lalas and Carli Lloyd stand out to me for a few reasons. First of all, they both have an affinity for white men in red hats, if you know what I mean. There’s a lot to be said about them beyond that though. Both of them are very active on Xitter, particularly responding to haters, of which they have many. There is some pretty solid evidence that Lloyd in particular searches for her name to attack people who criticize her.

Beyond that, neither of them bring any particularly valuable insight. During the 2023 Women’s World Cup, Carli Lloyd didn’t talk about tactics or game play, but about the USWNT not “wanting it” enough, criticizing them for checks notes smiling and having fun at what may be the pinnacle of their career. The same happens with Lalas.

And look, again, I couldn’t do their jobs. For all I love the sport, I’m actually terrible at tactical analysis. Most of my analysis centers on vibes and storylines. But it is literally their job and both of them, ostensibly, are savvy and experienced footballers who SHOULD be able to speak to tactics and performance beyond the vibes. Just as I would expect an active player to know how to run with the ball, or pass it to a teammate, something I also can’t do, I expect the retired-player commentators to be able to contribute more than vibe-based analysis.

So here we are, the World Cup has began, and I have access to three countries’s worth of analysis. In particular, three countries which speak a language I understand. I could probably access some other countries where I don’t understand the language, but I won’t be doing that…probably. I’m going to make an effort to switch between the analysis so I can speak to the different styles between the coverage, even to subject myself to Fox from time to time. Here’s what I have access to, for the record:

• BBC (UK)
• ITV (UK)
• RTVE (Spain)
• Fox (US)
• Telemundo (US)

Here are some observations after watching the entirety of the coverage* on IVT, Fox, Telemundo, and RTVE of the Mexico vs South Africa match.  

*I had a lot of time to kill between the end of the first match at 5pm and the start of the second match at 10pm.

In no particular order:

• I expected Fox to be all USMNT, all the time, but their obsession has exceeded expectations. By comparison, ITV and RTVE didn’t talk about the England and Spain teams respectively at all during the match, and both had only a short segment on their teams in the post game coverage.
• Fox had excessive in-match commercials, including fully cutting away during the hydration breaks, and missing a little live play. No one else did this. Bluesky posters were apoplectic about it.
• It could be my device or the VPN, but Telemundo had the best picture quality of the lot for me personally. I imagine that’s a me thing though.
• Telemundo is in an interesting spot of serving Spanish speakers from many countries and heritages, and therefore are nearly the opposite of Fox, not hyping up any one country’s team.  
• As far as Spanish-language coverage, I’m partial to RTVE, but they do have relatively similar styles anyway. RTVE is a little less bombastic, which I prefer.
• ITV clearly knows what they’re doing and are confident in their delivery. There’s nothing inordinately flashy, no attempts to con an uninterested audience into watching. They know that their audience was either going to watch the World Cup regardless, or doesn’t care regardless, and they aren’t trying to change that. I respect it.
• The UK-based betting apps are almost all running ads making fun of the US and, even as a sworn sports-betting hater, I also respect the hell out of that. My favorite so far is Paddy Power.

All of this to say, if you are US-based and not adept in internet backroads, the vibes are better on Telemundo, even if you don’t speak Spanish. Fox is hardly tolerable at this point, even if you are unfamiliar with the mores of broadcasting the World Cup.  

One note of caution: Today (June 12) there are also only two matches. But starting tomorrow, we have two weeks straight with a minimum of 4 games a day.

One of my favorite World Cup traditions is late in the group stage when the commentators start to get delirious and punchy. With so many games in this group stage, we are sure to get some good moments.

And if you are partaking, be sure to pace yourself and drink lots of water.