A Fully Objective Ranking of the Stadia on my Trip
I visited 9 different stadia on my trip, and this gives me a unique opportunity to do a little middle school level compare and contrast, in which I promise to be objective and not simply rank Stoke City as the best of them all in every category.
Normally if I said that, I would mean it facetiously, but I’m serious, I promise to be as objective as possible. You will know I really did it, because I neither ranked Stoke first in any category, but I also ranked some of the men’s matches about the women’s.
First, to refresh your memory, I went to the following stadia, with the relevant match-newsletter linked:
Elland Road, home of Leeds United
Emirates Stadium, home of Arsenal FC and WFC
Joie Stadium, home of Manchester City WFC
Kingsmeadow Park, home of Chelsea WFC
Molineux Stadium, home of Wolverhampton Wanderers
Old Trafford, home of Manchester United
Stamford Bridge, home of Chelsea FC and WFC
The Lamex Stadium, home of Stevenage FC aka Boro
Seating
Without a shadow of doubt, the best seating of the trip was Emirates Stadium. The general seats were lightly padded and shockingly capacious. I don’t think the space would have been as impressive if I had not happened to sit next to so many very tall men on my trip. I didn’t feel like the British men were on average that much taller than men in the States, but according to Google, they are on average one inch taller. Regardless, at almost every match, I ended up seated next to at least one person who was about six feet in height, and to a man, they had to fold into the seats to fit and I found myself ceding leg space that I didn’t really need so that they could hold their legs in a marginally comfortable arrangement.
I will note that if I had one of those tall people in front of me at the Emirates, part of my vision would have been obscured because that capacious seating is made at the expense of some grade between rows, it appeared.
In the middle of the pack, the vast majority of the seats were nearly identical in width and depth. I would rank them top to bottom as such: Joie Stadium and Lamex Stadium were the same, I’d wager, with just a little more leg space than the rest. Stamford Bridge, Molineux Stadium, Bet365 Stadium, and Old Trafford were likewise all about the same, but with slightly less leg room.
Elland Road was about the same as well, but because I didn’t sit for the first half, and had the row to myself for the second half–this was the match Stoke City lost by six goals–it’s hard to rank it, so it goes unranked here.
At Kingsmeadow Park I had an unreserved standing ticket, so no seats to rank. But I will note that for 16 pounds, I was standing about five feet from the pitch, and ten feet from the players’ bench, so I have nothing bad to say about it.
Concessions
Emirates Stadium wins again. I didn’t even really like sausage rolls, but must concede that theirs was the best of the bunch. And they had a variety of non-alcoholic cold beverages beyond just Coke products, which was great because this match was the hottest match I attended, a little too hot for hot tea.
The middle of the pack was a wash, with almost everyone having the same items of comparable or identical quality. The only differences were in the alcoholic beverages, of which I did not partake.
The Lamex Stadium loses because by the time I got through the queue, they were sold out of everything but hot chocolate and fries/chips. Unsalted fried potatoes and hot chocolate, I learned, are a very odd pairing.
Ticketing Ease
I’m going from worst to best on this one. To begin: Molineux Stadium gets a failing grade here. It was the only EPL match I attended, so maybe this is normal, but in the buying process, half the seats it showed as available were not actually available once I got to the checkout section. It took a lot of clicking back and forth to figure out which seat I could actually purchase.
Then, not only was jumping through the hoops to get the ticket a little weird, it had to be printed “with a high-quality printer.” This was concerning enough because my printer is a jolly old fellow, but 19 years old and not really pushing out “high-quality” product these days. I will note that they were the only stadium that wouldn’t allow some form of phone-based tickets.
I could have figured it out easily if not for the fact that Wolves didn’t make the PDF of my ticket available until two days prior to the match, at which point I was already in England. So now I have to figure out how to get something printed in another country. Alternatively, I could pay an extra 5 pounds at the ticketing office on game day, which also would have meant finding the ticketing office and waiting in line on game day, which would likely be a pain. Luckily, after exploring multiple options, including going to my friend’s sister’s house to print it, I got one of my hotels to print it for me.
Chelsea is second worst. For both Kingsmeadow and Stamford Bridge, they did let me use my phone, but it was just a PDF of a ticket, which would make more sense to print, if it had been delivered in time to use my jolly old fellow. I was able to make it work by taking screenshots of different parts of the PDF: the QR code to get in, and a separate one of the text for the entrance and the seat assignment.
Elland Road was an interesting process, because I bought it as an away fan with Stoke City, which meant I actually bought it from Stoke’s system for Bet365. I guess I could say that they lost points too, because I had to pick up a paper ticket from the Stoke ticket office, and that would have been very difficult if I were only planning to go to Leeds, but since I went to a match in Stoke first, it was easy enough. Also, that’s just, from what I gathered, how Things Are Done for away fans. And they didn’t charge me to print it like Molineux would have.
In the middle, most of the stadiums used a similar ticketing system. Old Trafford loses points for the fact that every time I looked at the available tickets, over a 30-minute period, it always showed five available seats, but they were always different seats. At first I thought it was because it was selling out, but sometimes the same seats, after showing as available, then went unavailable, then available again. Old Trafford also made me download the Manchester United app, and access my ticket through that app, which was unique. And a little annoying/stressful because it kept showing and then disappearing the day of the match, when I was already sleep deprived and delirious. Or I imagined it.
In the mix here, but slightly better, is also Bet365 Stadium and Emirates Stadium, which had very similar systems. Both were easy to navigate, and the tickets went to my Google Wallet for easy QR code access. Joie Stadium was also pretty simple, but with a somewhat unique, arguably “Americanized” ticketing system, not adhering to the normal customs of English football.
Dark horse here, but The Lamex Stadium wins. Super easy purchasing process, delivered straight to my Google Wallet, and used NFC for entry. No QR code required, no worrying about screen brightness or awkwardly holding the phone to find the right angle. I really need all the rest of the teams to sit and think about what they’ve done. They all got beat by a mid-table League One team that has never finished higher than the mid-table of League One, with a tiny stadium thirty miles outside of London. Do better, everyone else.
Queues
The Lamex Stadium also had the most organized queues, followed closely by Joie Stadium. They were the only truly obvious queues that were adhered to, full of Brits more than happy to participate in two national pastimes at once: watching football and queueing
Bet365 Stadium, Emirates Stadium and Old Trafford are in a tight pack all together. They all had queues that were well labeled, but only marginally adhered to.
Molineux Stadium had an absolutely wild queue for the team shop. It seemed as if, instead of using a counter to count capacity and let people in as others left, they opted instead to let full capacity in, wait for it to empty out, then let full capacity in again. That meant that the line would suddenly move an enormous, hope-giving amount, and then not move at all for a long time.
I was picking up an online order and thought more than once about just calling it a loss, convinced I’d never get in. The line was so massive, easily several hundred people. I heard multiple locals comment that it was very unusual, and it was unclear why it was happening. Maybe others, like myself, had been wooed by the late-season sales. Luckily once I got inside, I was able to grab my order and run right out again…once I found the exit, which was different from the entrance.
Elland Road had queues, nominally, but they all cut through crowds, which made it difficult to determine if you were in a queue or just standing behind a group of people drinking.
Stamford Bridge queues were absurd. At one point, I was in a long, spiraling queue to get into the stadium. Suddenly, it broke apart, with part of the spiral briefly turning into a full circle, and another part cutting everyone to become its own queue.
I didn’t have any queueing experience at Kingsmeadow Park, so they’re disqualified here.
Security Theatre
I wore about the same thing–jacket, jeans, and maybe a team scarf–to all matches, and brought my fanny pack with my wallet, passport, sunglasses, snacks, and little pillbox of Aleve. This gives me a uniform person to be searched and securitised at every match. And security theatre is hilarious.
The Lamex Stadium wins by virtue of having no security theatre. Or maybe they’re disqualified. I had at this point attended seven matches, at all of which my bag was “searched” to some extent. I therefore prepared by opening my bag for search, only confusing the poor lad at the gate with my open bag. I think he thought I was offering him my snacks.
Elland Road had the most thorough security, presumably because I was part of the away supporters. They actually looked in all the pockets of my bag, questioned me about the Aleve, and gave me a thorough patdown and beepy wanding thing. They also labeled my bag as searched, which some other places did, but this label had “Stoke City” printed on it, which indicates that they spend the money to print unique labels for every match.
Bet365 Stadium was inconsistent, sometimes using the wand, sometimes doing the pat down, and sometimes looking in bags. Bonus points for clearly just making things up.
Old Trafford searched my bag and tagged it as searched, and told me if the pills were fun pills that I couldn’t take them during the match. They lose points for the fact that I witnessed one young man sneak three open beer bottles into the stadium in his waistband. Or maybe gain points. I can’t tell how I’m scoring this.
Stamford Bridge didn’t really do much. I think he got confused about whether he was doing the beepy wand or a patdown, because he didn’t use the beepy wand, but also didn’t actually pat me down. Just kind of waved his hands like he was attempting to magically sense weapons on me.
Joie Stadium had beepy wands, bag searches, and a metal detector. Seemed like overkill. But also, considering how much the vibes sucked, I’d expect nothing less.
Kingsmeadow Park asked me to open my bag, but didn’t actually look inside. Great work team.
Emirates Stadium searched my bag at three different checkpoints, which begs the question: what could I have acquired between those points?
Molineux Stadium I actually can’t remember, so they win? Or lose? This section’s scoring rubric is maybe a little borked.
Vibes
The Lamex Stadium wins. Hands down. Best vibes. And I’m not just saying that because of Jack and Ollie. They were fantastic, the supporters group across the way were fantastic, the away fans were good too. Also, pre-match, they had some kids from the youth team on the pitch for recognition, and they had the kids try to hype up the supporters section which was the most adorable thing I’ve seen. The kids played it like they were Kylian Mbappe and Harry Kane, and the crowd responded in kind. Perfection.
Old Trafford was electric, because the game was electric. It is possible I will never experience something like that in person again in my life. I could go to a hundred games all around the world and still not get that kind of experience. So it’s kind of unfair here, but…second place to the Europa League, behind the League One team.
Elland Road was amazing. My team got absolutely clobbered. I heard some really colorful insults in both directions. I learned some new vulgar gestures. And at the end, supporters from the other team ironically and unironically congratulated me for sticking with it.
Considering how poor Stoke performed in this and other recent seasons, the build up before and energy during both matches I attended at Bet365 Stadium were great. The people around me were fun and friendly, and generally the vibes were good. Even in the frustrating loss where Stoke was never really threatening, the supporters remained vocal and excited, working hard to lift the team.
Molineux Stadium’s vibes were good but I have to comment on the halftime entertainment: it involved having two civilians attempt to kick a ball into one of the upper corners of the net, with the rest of it blocked. From the hype man’s commentary, and the prize pool, I gathered that they’d been doing this all season and no one had succeeded. This is reasonable, because anyone who could do that would likely be a professional footballer. One contestant did manage to clip the crossbar, but nowhere near the right spot. The other didn’t even get the ball off the ground. Mitch, my seatmate, commented afterwards “Another thrilling halftime performance.” Vibes? Fine. Comedy? Peak.
The vibes at Kingsmeadow Park were okay, but because the space is so open, the sound escaped out and didn’t reflect as much. That said, Kingsmeadow is Basil Goode’s instrument. He uses that whole space as his tool for creating vibes, and that I can only applaud.
I found myself irritated with the vibes at Stamford Bridge because, as I mentioned, there were Barcelona fans sprinkled everywhere. The team’s play was frustrating, or maybe better to say frustrated, and you could hear the crowd's energy drop at Chelsea dropped further and further behind. But I have to give credit: when Chelsea scored in the final minutes of the match and were still behind by 6 goals, the crowd exploded and there was a true sense of belief that Chelsea could pull it off, even though that would have been one of the most remarkable comebacks in the history of the sport.
Emirates Stadium was okay, but as the team’s performance continued to be flat, the vibes fell off sharply. You lose points for not being willing to do your job as supporters and try to lift the team. If the supporters are flatter than the team, the vibes are failing.
Joie Stadium sucked. 0/10 or maybe -100/10. Just awful vibes.
There you have it, a definitive and objective analysis of all the stadia from my trip.
I have no idea how this is going to generate in an email but here’s the table:
| Seating | Concessions | Ticketing Ease | Queues | Security Theatre | Vibes |
1 | Emirates Stadium | Emirates Stadium | The Lamex Stadium | The Lamex Stadium | The Lamex Stadium | The Lamex Stadium |
2 | Joie Stadium | Stamford Bridge | Joie Stadium | Joie Stadium | Elland Road | Old Trafford |
3 | The Lamex Stadium | Molineux Stadium | Bet365 Stadium | Bet365 Stadium | Bet365 Stadium | Elland Road |
4 | Stamford Bridge | Old Trafford | Elland Road | Kingsmeadow Park | Old Trafford | Bet365 Stadium |
5 | Molineux Stadium | Joie Stadium | Emirates Stadium | Molineux Stadium | Stamford Bridge | Molineux Stadium |
6 | Bet365 Stadium | Kingsmeadow Park | Old Trafford | Emirates Stadium | Joie Stadium | Stamford Bridge |
7 | Old Trafford | Elland Road | Kingsmeadow Park | Old Trafford | Kingsmeadow Park | Kingsmeadow Park |
8 | Elland Road | Bet365 Stadium | Stamford Bridge | Elland Road | Emirates Stadium | Emirates Stadium |
9 | Kingsmeadow Park | The Lamex Stadium | Molineux Stadium | Stamford Bridge | Molineux Stadium | Joie Stadium |