This Little Life. This Big Dream.
Hey Gorgeous,
If there’s one thing my father drilled into me growing up, it’s punctuality. I’ve always loved being early. But lately I find myself arriving late to one out of every two commitments. My days stack like teetering Jenga towers. One slight tug and the whole week crashes. And I worry sometimes that my inability to gauge my own limits might just be my undoing.
Am I biting off more than I can chew? Probably.
But even in the overwhelm, I’m grateful to steal a moment with you to slow down, gather my thoughts, and connect.
Because... FESTIVALS - WE’RE COMING FOR YOU!
Welcome to the written edition of On Musings: a quarterly space where I share reflections, updates from my music journey, and whatever else is stirring in the season. Think of it as a letter from me to you, an opportunity to catch up.
In this issue:
I did a 6-week contemporary dance course
Still thinking about “A Little Life” by Hanya Yanagihara
Is The Civil Wars back? Who is The Favors?
A friendly visit from London (and shibari?)
So long, grandma
20-hour trip to Penang with Jameson Distilled Sounds
Festivals, festivals, festivals!!
New release: RUNAWAY (Sunrise Version)
Sometime in April, I decided to sign up for a beginner’s contemporary dance course with a few friends and it was glorious. I’ve always loved dancing and movement. I think if I weren’t busy being a songwriter in this life, I might have been a dancer. But maybe it’s not too late after all? I don’t aspire to be a world-class ballerina, but a limb-flailing and soul-releasing one? I think I can manage.
Have you ever been through a long reading slump, and then finally you find a book you want to cling to every second of the day? I have.
Hanya Yanagihara, ma’am… I don’t know what spell you sprinkle into your work, but I’ve been thinking about “A Little Life” so very often and it’s been three months since I finished it. I used to be scared of fiction just by the sheer page count, but those 500+ pages flew by. I think about Jude and Willem all the time. I mean, every waking moment. I am quite literally obsessed and consumed by the thoughts of them. One day I’m gonna visit Lispenard Street in New York and feel what Jude felt.
Please don’t pick up this book if your mental load is already full. I love this book and want to share that love, but read “A Little Life” only when you’re ready to be emotionally tortured (you know, those days). Because it will stay with you for a while.
There was a surprise drop from The Civil Wars: If I Didn’t Know Better (From The Vault). They’ve been on hiatus for more than a decade and for a moment I thought they were returning. Alas, it was all but a beautiful dream. The song was lovely, but... it’s lost its charm. Side note: I don’t think John Paul White or Joy Williams ever captured that je ne sais quoi in their solo projects. I’m saying this with full bias. Please don’t police me.
On the same vein of duo bands, Finneas and Ashe (both songwriters I deeply admire) announced their new project: The Favors. And I’m here for it. I loved how Ashe explained that the band was born out of pure, platonic friendship. I think that’s incredible. I’m really looking forward to their album later this year.
Fact: I’m listening to The Hudson while typing this very newsletter.
In early June, I got a surprise visit from a friend I made back in my Lush days in Cardiff. Gorgeous Haz is now a cabin crew based in London with British Airways and was on one of the renewed KL routes. Being the friendly local Malaysian that I am, I took him out to play tourist.
There’s something about reconnecting with someone who knew you in a very specific chapter of your life, now stepping into this new one. Funny story: I brought Haz to GMBB, where there was an exhibition on one of the floors. We went in and were greeted by a girl who said she “helps out” at the gallery. I saw a piece and said to Haz, “this reminds me of shibari.” She overheard and got very excited that I knew about it (I don’t, aside from that one time I saw FKA Twigs do a shibari-inspired MV of the song Pendulum).
Haz and I, being too polite, stayed while she started dropping words like omegaverse, BDSM, poly, hetero-relational dynamics. Our people-pleasing instincts were at an all-time high. She thought we were a couple (we’re not), then quickly realised she’d been rambling (thank god). Who knows what we would’ve agreed to with our inability to excuse ourselves from conversations we don't want to be in.
I love telling this story though. I saw her eyes light up when she thought she made a connection. That part, I love. But I just don’t feel comfortable talking about my kinks with a stranger I met 30 seconds ago. I have boundaries now.
The day Haz flew back to London, I went to my paternal grandma’s funeral. This was the second funeral I’ve experienced up close. In some ways, that’s a blessing. It means most of my close family is still around.
Grandma died of complications from her second stroke. She had her first while I was in Cardiff (2021? 2022?). Since then, she couldn’t move half her body and was bedridden. She was conscious, though, even if she couldn’t speak. It’s interesting how communication adapts. We learned to read her face: the big laughs, the micro-frowns. I wish I’d asked more. Tried harder. But now it’s too late.
After the second stroke in April, she never regained consciousness. The only thing keeping her alive was her body. It makes me wonder about grace and mercy. Is it still living if the mind is gone? The body always fights to survive, and that’s beautiful. But also cruel. Like trying to fix a home when no one’s there anymore.
People asked if my dad was sad. Of course he was. I don’t think anyone doesn’t cry when their mother dies. I’m sad too. Maybe less than I expected. That might sound cruel, but in some ways, it’s a relief. Her suffering is over. She’s found her release. That’s the circle of life, right? I hope she’s happy, wherever she’s arrived.
In the middle of all this, I had a show in Penang with Jameson Distilled Sounds. I was there for literally 20 hours (no thanks to AirAsia, whose entire personality seems to be delaying flights). I flew in, had Penang laksa, and soundchecked by the sea. Surprised to see Jimmy from Prasasti there. It’s always lovely to see familiar faces in new cities. Finally met the TY:DEL boys in real life too. Grabbed some hawker food with the team, played my set, then hopped on a flight back to KL. Thank you, daddy Jameson, for covering my flights and accommodation for this trip. It’s a dream.
When I started working on my album WHERE THE SUN CAN’T FIND US, I kept imagining myself playing barefoot at festivals with my boys. And I think… I’m finally living that?
This year so far we’ve played Music Lane Festival (JP) and Cincai Festival (MY). And now: Yayasan Sime Darby Arts Festival (MY) and AXEAN Festival (IN) are on the way.
It still hasn’t sunk in. I haven’t had a moment to fully sit with the nerves, let alone the joy. To share a lineup with the likes of Zee Avi, Kyoto Protocol, Anna Chong… and incredible international artists like Turtle Island, Tosh, RIS-707, Shye? I’m honestly in disbelief.
Thank you to the producers and promoters who saw me. Who believed in this music. Who made space. I’m not where I want to be yet, but this - this is fuel for me for a longer journey ahead.
(Also: To the guy who once told me my music won’t make the cut, you can go suck it.)
Upcoming Shows Summary:
Aug 1: Jameson Distilled Sounds @ Zer Bar, Johor Bahru
Aug 9: Yayasan Sime Darby Arts Festival @ Elmina Lakeside Mall, Shah Alam
Aug 24: Wicked & Blue (with Blue Nanyoung) @ Jaotim, Kuala Lumpur
Sep 13-14: AXEAN Festival @ Jimbaran Hub, Bali
Before we part ways, I have two offerings for you as a thank-you for reading my newsletter to the end:
First, I have recently released another remix of my album track, RUNAWAY (Sunrise Version). This is a labour of love with one of my super-talented musician friends, Jesslyn Tong. Go have a listen and show us some love. There is also a Ghost Town Version you sometimes hear me playing in shows.
Second, I have made a promise to myself that I would start documenting my life better. So here’s my May & June vlogs for your enjoyment.
Can’t wait to share my experience at AXEAN Festival with you in my next issue! Wishing you another meaningful quarter ahead. May it be filled with softness and wicked mischief 🖤
Your cult leader from wickedland,
S.
