I Helped You When You Were A Baby
In college my weekend job was a kitchen assistant in a gastropub in the next village. Most of my job was chopping potatoes: wedges, discs and cubes. Nothing beats a sharp knife sliding through starch. But then the Summer waned and I needed to pack it in to go to uni.
From the kitchen, the daily activities of the owner were a complete mystery. When he'd come through the sliding doors, the staff (all men) would try to keep up their normal banter but wound up quietly reverential. The spell would dissipate shortly after his departure and they'd resume whipping each other with tea towels - or proudly displaying tea towel welts on their upper thigh. Occasionally when I was starting my shift I'd see him through the bay window, reading a newspaper at the bar.
"What are you studying?"
He didn't have an office. To talk privately we were in the larder. Behind him at head-height was a bulky clear package of pearl barley. I dodged the question.
"I've had a great time here. Everyone's been great. But I've got A Levels soon and then I'm off to Uni so I won't be able to do it for much longer."
"You know I helped you when you were a baby, don't you?"
When I was a baby I crawled out onto the street. The front door had been propped open to accommodate the loading of 5 white lightweight stackable monobloc plastic chairs on loan from my aunt. We were preparing for a barbecue. Everyone except me. I'd only recently become mobile and I dreamed of one day becoming a car. My mom was careful never to let me see a gun, but no one could stop me seeing a car. Our front door went directly onto a thin river of pavement which I traversed effortlessly, slid my round form over the lip of the curb and began shuffling cautiously over the frictive grasp of the bitumen. Moments after I was hoisted into the sky and brought back inside and lowered behind the safety of a baby gate.
"OK - so what?"
"What do you mean 'so what'? If I didn't rescue you that day we wouldn't be having this conversation. I saved your life. You owe me."
"I don't owe you anything. You can't hold a karmic debt over a baby!"
I flinched. I fucked it. I fell right into his trap. The owner suppressed a smile. "But you're not a baby now, are you?"
The Independent Comedy Festival For Change
Leicester (having a) Comedy Festival is back! I don't know if you've followed the upending of the largest comedy festivals in the world - but now you don't need to because its replacement is here. I'm massively impressed by the work done by Colin and Alex to conjure this thing into life so quickly and now it's legitimately here. And also, Backchannel is part of the bill.
No Nottingham
Sorry to all East Midlands morlheads but due to some unforeseen conflicts I'm not going to be able to be a part of Wormhole Weekend on the 8th November. You must forgive me and you must still attend. It remains an absolutely stacked line-up which I thoroughly recommend.
Normal Game
I have been truly in the mines working on the latest version of normal game and I'm delighted to say it's survived its first playtest with actual people and I can now say with added confidence: it's good stuff. It's going to be big.
Live Dates
BIRMINGHAM - Normal Game - Nov 19
MANCHESTER - Normal Game - Dec 06
SHEFFIELD - Normal Game - Dec 11
LONDON - Weekend At Dad's at Backyard Comedy Club - Dec 15th
LEICESTER - Backchannel - Feb 8th
More stuff to be announced soon. Stay cool and please god stay subscribed.
