Happy

Tomorrow is my brother’s 15th wedding anniversary.

I mentioned that technically I was with my ex-husband for 16 years, but half that time we were separated; my mother laughed.

15 years. With one person!

I haven’t been with anyone for longer than 8 years. I haven’t worked at a job for more than 8 years. I haven’t lived at the same address for more than four years.

I don’t understand staying in one place. I get itchy. I need the new. Novelty.

And yet…

Grounding

I crave stability. I’ve always dreamed of having a big ‘ole Victorian house with a ton of bedrooms so friends can stay there if they need a place. There would be a huge wrap-around porch, partially screened, with rocking chairs and tables for morning coffee or nightly firefly watching. Lots of hidden little places to get lost in. A library, but truly the whole house would be one. A large kitchen and a dining room big enough for potlucks and D&D. A living room with a fireplace. A backyard and pool.

I’d love a place where I can plant some roots, but have it feel new and ever-changing.

I want the same thing in a partner.

Flight

I’m good at being uncomfortable, so I can’t stop changing all of the time¹.

I’m getting better at being uncomfortable. I wasn’t that good at it. But I’m choosing, now, the harder path. Sex is easy; conversation is hard. So conversation it is. Not writing is easy; making time to write is hard. So making time it is.

Being vulnerable is hard. I can tell strangers my life story, but that doesn’t mean they know me. Ask me anything, and I’ll give you the truth. But that doesn’t mean I’ve let you in.

There are layers. Like an onion. Once the skin is peeled away, it’s all the same; it just matters how much you cut away. I don’t like comparing myself to an onion tho. I need to find another metaphor².

And Again

I’m here.

I’m in the middle.

Knowing neither the end nor the beginning.